Finding Calm Within The Storms Of Life

Posted on July 30, 2023 by Mario Spano, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

This is a post that can help anyone, but I am writing it through the lense of my struggles with mental health as a man.

Life is chaos. Well, according to Jordan Peterson, it’s a constant be and flow between chaos and order. If that’s true, then half your life will be spent within that chaos. That’s a lot of time spent in a loud, chaotic, confusing world, or moment, or entire phase of your life.

I am a very calm man and, as such, there are many times that I feel overwhelmed by this debilitatingly loud world. Whether its my loud Italian family, unsettling music, or my own thoughts, I can easily feel overwhelmed. The real crux is when that overwhelm becomes too much and I don’t have the tools, the experience, or the support to manage it. Those are the times where the storm throws golf-ball-sized hail and can cause some real damage. At its lightest, these times can lead to a real shitty day, where you don’t get done what you planned. At its heaviest, it can lead to the slippery slope of depression and even suicide, as we are seeing happen more and more with men these days; especially young men.

What is helpful for these times, you ask? I will be speaking from personal experience here, since I’ve struggled with mental health, crippling anxiety, major depressive episodes, and thoughts that this world would be better off without me in it, even with the gift of a perfect 3 year old son by my side.

Tip #1: Find A Calm Place Within The Storm

The first and most important tip is to find calm within the storm. Find a calm, quiet space that is safe and private. Find your place where you can go to get a few moments of peace by yourself. If you work too much and are married with kids, put your phone on silent and sit in your car after work for 10-15 minutes. If you have the support of those you live with or live alone, find a cushion or chair to sit on before work and tune in with your breath. Just breathe. The goal here is to find shelter from the storm and connect with your deeper self. Many fear this, but your true self, your deeper self, is actually is full of peace, quiet, and bliss. You just have to get away from the storm long enough to find it.

I won’t go too deep into meditative practices here, but the goal of tuning in with yourself is to get away from exterior noise, connect with yourself, and get above it all. Meditation helps shift the perspective through which you see your own reality. And when you think your reality is difficult, its good to get a break from it. Meditation helps you shift from thinking that you are stuck in this life and a victim to your thoughts, to coming home to the truth that you are peace, whole, and divine at all times. Once you learn to meditate and simply observe your thoughts, you can move your perspective outside of your own head and get some reprieve from the storm.

I personally started by watching my thoughts long enough to realize that I am NOT my thoughts. I am something so much more. Then I moved my perspective to the corner of the room, or back of the car, and watched myself living my life from a peaceful, objective place. Some may even call this a Godly or spiritual perspective. Then I moved this perspective 100 feet above my body and viewed the bright sun, or moody clouds and rain. Whatever was around me, I simply observed it from this open, loving perspective. After several weeks of this, I was able to move my perspective all the way to outer space. As I float out there in complete silence, all my problems of daily life seem a lot smaller and I can literally feel the stress melt away from my physical body to release itself through my outbreath. I am free. I am whole. I am home.

Studies show that getting to that place works wonders for the chemicals in your brain and stress hormones in both your body and mind. This is good medicine! And its free.

So, finding a quiet place is number one. Give yourself that time on a daily basis to connect with yourself. You don’t have to float in outerspace like me. But one of the most beneficial things you can do for your mental health, especially in a chaotic world, is take a break. And meditation has been proven as the best thing to do during those breaks.

Learn about meditation on your own. Practice it and develop what works best for you. Extroverts seem to struggle more with sitting in complete silence, so if that’s you, then find a 15-minute guided meditation on youtube to listen to in your happy, safe place. Feel into what works best for you. As you will see, the more you connect with yourself, the easier it will be to learn what works best for you. You are a completely unique being and only you know what you body needs.

If you can, the most beneficial place to find solitude is in nature. At the very least, sit on a park bench or on the grass and meditate or do some breathwork. Look out at the trees and watch the leaves blow gently in the wind. Have you noticed how strong and steady trees stand during storms? Take note, as Mother Nature has infinite little bits of wisdom.

At the very most, go camping with friends or schedule a weeklong backpacking trip! If you are as intense as me and want more serious self-connection, go backpacking for a week by yourself without any service! We came from nature, so returning here helps tremendously with connecting with yourself. At times when I’ve felt most down, I’ve gone into nature and felt so loved and supported. Its no wonder why the Native Americans called it Mother Earth. It really is a safe space. And when I’ve felt most confused and lost on my path, I’ve found the best guidance there. Many find it hard to get away from daily life long enough to connect with nature. Let me tell you that it’s the best thing you can ever do with your time! Make it a priority. Make yourself a priority. Face the heavy winds of your stormy life to give yourself the peace and clarity you often don’t even realize you so desperately need.

Tip #2: Learn To Manage Your Emotions And Find A Healthy Outlet For Your Anger

Tip number two is to find a healthy and productive outlet for your anger. Storms are frustrating. Life is frustrating. Life is hard and learning the valuable lessons we are meant to learn can be upsetting. Men in particular are especially hardwired to have an immense amount of anger. Not too long ago we were fighting to the death in the colosseum, slaying each other with swords on the battlefield and upholding incredible empires as we ran our savage patriarchal societies. I believe that energy is still within us, but many men haven’t been taught how to handle all this rage because their fathers weren’t taught how to manage theirs in an appropriate way that fit into the energy of today’s modern society.

So, what does that mean for us now? It means that it’s time to take matters into our own hands and teach ourselves. It is up to our generation to learn how to do better, to learn how to reparent ourselves where our parents fell short. We experience real rage, anger and resentment right now, TODAY. So what do we do with it? Exercise is a good start. I’ve spent many gym sessions thinking about what’s pissed me off and I put that energy into lifting heavy weights or pushing myself to run harder. It’s not pretty. There’s grunting, enraged facial expressions, and even tears streaming down my face as I’m sprinting on the treadmill or crying about how hurt or sad I feel. But I am releasing it and simultaneously improving my health, as opposed to lashing out on those around me.

Another way I release my anger in a productive way is to go break things in nature. The gentler, do-no-harm nature-conservationists don’t like this one and many women haven’t liked to witness me doing this, but I’ll go into the woods and break dead tree limbs over rocks and other things to get the rage out. I yell and scream and cuss and get it all out! A buddy of mine told me he likes to go to the beach and pound the bloody hell out of the sand. Do what’s best for you, as long as you aren’t unleashing your rage on other humans or hurting yourself.

Another way to harness the immense energy that comes with anger and rage is to put it into creating something beautiful. I am a carpenter and I have developed a habit of doing this with different projects. When I am upset and feeling a lot of anger, I put that energy into the project I’m working on that day. I hustle the hardest on those days and end the day feeling a bit lighter. Releasing and harnessing this incredibly powerful energy that comes from our anger is crucial so that we don’t hurt those we love most, who are often the closest in proximity to us.

Something else we must do is teach ourselves about managing emotions so that we can improve our character. This requires a desire to learn and grow as a person. Do you want to become a better version of yourself or not? If not, then you’re not ready for this and that’s ok too. If you are ready, then get to reading! Read books, articles, blogs, search on youtube about topics on managing emotions or keeping calm during arguments. Many men resonate with stoicism. If that feels good to you then go with that. Stoicism, The Art of Happiness, by Brian Sandler is a good high level overview of the topic. The Mountain Is You, by Brianna West, is a good book on self-sabotage, which is something many men fall into (myself included). 12 Rules For Life, by Jordan Peterson is a good one for men looking for some solid ground rules on how to conduct yourself as a respectable person.

Learn about yourself, how the mind works, how emotions work, and what tools you can use to manage them better. You will be a happier, stronger, more confident person once you become better at this very important skill. Also, bite the bullet and find a good therapist or life coach. You are not weak for seeking support, talking about what you struggle with and getting help. It is, in fact, a very intelligent, humble, and important part of everyone’s path. All the most successful people in the world have one key thing in common: a mentor, guide, or coach. Emotions are such a difficult task, especially for men, so it’s important to get some feedback and guidance along the way. In fact, finding a mentor is one of the most important steps in the timeless Hero’s Journey, which chronicles the archetypical path that all men take in life.

Releasing your anger in a healthy way and managing your emotions is very important to finding calm within the storm of your own mind. Your mind is where it all starts and where it all ends. The better you get at managing your own internal storm, the stronger you will be at withstanding the external storms. This is an incredibly difficult mountain to climb, so be easy on yourself as you traverse the trail. Our current generations are more conscious than ever, and we are realizing that it’s up to us to turn this massive, generational ship in a better direction. We have hundreds of years of trauma and bad habits that we are looking at overturning here. Don’t underestimate the weight of this task and this mission, but also realize its value in creating the happy, fulfilling life that you deserve. Once you start, there’s no going back, so buckle up. Please know that the neural pathways that have developed in your mind from your old habits run deep, so it’s only normal to slip up and relapse along the way as you rewrite the script of the person you are becoming. Forgive yourself when this happens, pick yourself up and keep moving. You got this. We got this!

Tip #3: Work On Your Foundation In Preparation For The Next Storm

Lastly, its important for every home to have a sturdy foundation to withstand the heavy winds of a brutal storm. The same goes for us. But our foundation is our WHY. It’s important to know who you are and where you are going. Otherwise, the storms of life will easily blow you off your path. In the famous words of the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

Look into yourself with curiosity, wonder, and with the mission of steering your own ship towards your own truth. What do you care about? What is important to you? What are your values? Write these down. Repeat them daily. Align your life with what’s important to you. Don’t take life lying down. Envision the best version of yourself in the future and develop daily habits that will get you there. Draw a picture of something that reminds you of this and put it on your bathroom mirror, get a tattoo of it somewhere discrete so every once in a while you get a reminder of who you are and where you are going. Develop some god damn resilience and some weight in your foundation because you will need it when the storms come!

To summarize, we live in a chaotic world and that can really knock us down at times, so its important to take action and prepare yourself. We do this by finding solace from the storm so we can gather ourselves. We do this by learning about ourselves, by building a sturdy, resilient foundation to prepare for the next one before it comes. We do this by reparenting ourselves. And we make sure to lift ourselves up along the way with heavy doses of grace and forgiveness. No more “man up!” or “don’t be a pussy!” We are past that. How about “You got this!” or “I am growing!” It will take some time, but people are already starting to realize that its ok to get help along the way, especially when you are buried in the trenches and are struggling to breathe, let along dig yourself out. Be good to yourself. Give yourself what you need. Support yourself like you do for those around you.

I’m sending you strength and love on your journey, brother. You’re right where you are supposed to be. Keep pushing. Keep growing. You got this.

To all the spouses, parents, siblings, and friends of any men who may be struggling next to you, keep learning how to support them. It takes an informed, loving community to lift others up and create the balanced, healed, healthy world we want to live in. Our team at Speak Your Mind is walking this journey right alongside you and we think you’re doing great!