We Talkin’ About Practice
Posted on May 18, 2023 by Joe Staszak, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
At it’s core total transformation is based on being unoffendable and losing our egos. Explosive anger has no role in the “Be The One” program.
We’ve all experienced anger in our lives before. It’s often called a secondary emotion but it can be a primary emotion as well. Just know that it is normal and sometimes healthy to feel angry. Anger stems from a surge in our emotions and our emotions are a response to significant internal and external events. But when anger turns into an overreaction it can create many problems in our personal relationships. So let’s first establish what an overreaction looks like:
An overreaction is a more emotional or forcible response than is deemed warranted. It’s seen as a response that is not commensurate with the incident or event that triggered it.
If you’re struggling with your reactions to certain triggers it might be helpful to start identifying what those triggers are. Especially as pertains to your relationship with your significant other. It’s beneficial to identify them so that you can navigate them in more of an emotionally productive way when you see them coming. That’s why I’ve never been a proponent avoidance where triggers are concerned. I’ve always stressed attacking them or confronting them so as to create a cognitive blunting of sorts in your brain. In lay terms the more adept you are at challenging your fears, the more your brain can process and assimilate them. The tigger becomes dull over time and in some cases may go away.
Once you’ve identified your triggers, consider whether your overreactions are helping or hurting the situation at hand (hint: an overreaction almost never yields what you are striving for in ANY relationship). And when it comes to your spouse or partner there is usually little or no time in between what triggers us and our reaction to that trigger.
Here’s what’s really going on in your head and why it is so easy to get into conflict when we are triggered. The set of structures in your brain called the limbic system is where emotions begin. In the limbic system the amygdala is the ground zero of the problem. Now, in its defense, the amygdala is super helpful. It’s the part of our brain that makes us take our hand off a hot stove without having to think about it. But it’s also the amygdala that is triggered by our spouse or significant other when we face conflict. We are hard-wired to react immediately, and while this doesn’t excuse our overreactions, it does help explain them. It explains why people who really want to be a good partner, find themselves doing or saying the same thing they promised they would never do or say again.
Understanding what is going on in your brain during conflict is a good thing to know but you know what’s even better to know? – what to do when it occurs.
Jesus’ brother James, in the Bible, tells us exactly what to do.
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19 NIV). (See my article on Being Unoffendable).
There has never been a time when I have overreacted to a situation that I felt happy or good about it once I calmed down.
Try to use the following exercise when assessing risk versus reward in your relationship. In any situation, critical or otherwise, ask yourself three questions.1) Is there an upside?
2) What’s the downside?
3) Will it get me closer to or push me further away from the desired objective?
As long as you answer those questions honestly with yourself your path should be clear.
The key is training your brain to approach situations in your relationship that way. IF YOU DISCIPLINE YOUR THOUGHTS YOUR BEHAVIOR WILL FOLLOW! But you have to prepare yourself to do that before you get triggered. If you wait until you’re in the moment it’s most likely too late because at that point your emotions have taken over and good decisions are almost never made when emotions get involved. Emotions cause us to become irrational and sound decision-making usually goes out the proverbial window.
But disciplining your thoughts takes time so in the interim here are some tips to help thwart overreactions.
- Stop, pause and take some deep breaths. Give yourself time to come down from your elevated state before you speak.
- Consider how your overreactions are impacting your relationships .
- Think about whether you’re able to accomplish your relationship goals when you’re overreacting.
But hey we’re all human and mistakes do and will happen. It takes hard work and lots of reps to achieve total transformation. So in the event of an overreaction don’t be so hard on yourself. Practicing self-love and self-compassion is part of the process of becoming “The One.” While it can be tempting to beat yourself up after an emotional outburst, doing so will only make the situation worse. Instead of blaming and shaming yourself for overreacting, take time to reflect on how you can respond more effectively next time around. It’s part of the training process. Be thoughtful. Be intentional. You can take responsibility for your reaction but not for how you feel or felt when you were triggered. Remember to be patient with yourself. Transformation doesn’t happen over night. Like I said before it takes time, patience, hard work and lots and lots of practice. That’s right, we talkin’ about practice!
