5 Tips to Actively Listen Even Better

Posted on April 28, 2023 by Robyn Patnoi, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Communication 101
5 Tips to Actively Listen Even Better

Introduction
Have you ever had an experience where you’re talking to someone and their full attention is on you? And you somehow become aware of that and forget what you’re talking about because you haven’t felt cared for like this in a while? In our fast paced, short attention span, and distracted world today, It is unfortunately rare that someone takes the time to fully pay attention and listen to us. And when it does happen, it’s an amazing gift. I am going to teach you how to give this gift daily and often to the ones you love. They are the ones we often half listen to. And this skill is one I help my clients practice and it changes so much in their relationships!!

Presence
First start off by putting away any electronics, moving away from distractions, and sitting face-to-face with the person you want to listen to. It sounds basic. And it’s surprising how many people don’t make this shift in their body language. When you have other things in front of you, the person talking can feel that your attention is not fully on them. They deserve your full-bodied attention. Body language matters so much!!
Now once you’ve set up it’s time to turn off your brain and ignore thoughts about the past and as well as the future of what you’re going to do next. The person you’re listening to will feel that as well. Some people think they have to know what they’re going to say so they spent a lot of time thinking of how to respond. Let that go. And trust that you will have the words you need. And sometimes you don’t need words. The person just needs to fill you with them, by their side.

Curiosity
OK so now you’re listening. Now you’re present in this moment. Your mind is not distracted. Your focus and eyes are on the person speaking. You are trusting that the words will come to mind. Now open up your child like sense of curiosity and stay open minded. Follow your curiosity and ask questions. Make sure they are not judge mental or assuming anything. If you’re not sure whether you’re crossing a line or not, ask. Or say something like does that feel right to you? I don’t know if I’m understanding you or not, what do you think? Is there more that you want to say? At the end, wrap up with, do you feel complete? If you don’t have a question, you can always say, “tell me more about that.”

Reflect Back
This is a really important part of listening and it lets the speaker know that you are understanding them so far. You can say, can I interrupt you for a second? I just want to make sure I’m understanding you. And then paraphrase back what you got from what they said. This works really well especially if this speaker has been talking for a while. It’s OK to interrupt. This will help both of you stay present and in this moment. It’s no fun listening to monologues and the person you’re listening to should not put you in that situation. Be gentle when you interrupt. It helps the speaker collect their thoughts as well and not ramble.

Don’t FRACK
Fix
Rescue
Advise
Complain
Kill
All the above will take the focus off the speaker and put it on you. Remember this person is not you. How they choose to. What path they choose to walk is their decision. Not yours. You can’t fix someone else’s problems. Rescuing them makes them feel like they aren’t capable. Or that you don’t think they’re able to handle things. Giving advice is never appreciated when the person doesn’t ask you for it. Definitely never complain because it’s just icky. And when you start talking about your own experiences, you kill theirs as if yours is more important. We’ve all had people do this to us. It shows that the listener is uncomfortable with the topic and doesn’t know how to hold space for what the person is talking about.

Be With Them
If you notice that your friend or partner is getting emotional and expressing sadness or anger, it’s best to empathize by saying something natural that comes to mind. How would you comfort a young child? You might say, I am here with you. Wow that sounds tough. I can see that you have some tears right now. It seems like you’re feeling _____ and of course you do. It makes sense that … Just don’t freak out. Or ask a bazillion questions. That’s not helpful. You don’t even have to talk that much. Stay present and listen to your heart and you can also ask your friend if they need something from you.

Conclusion
It seems during the lockdown, people realized how much they need others. Isolation is torture. We may have forgotten that right now and I’m here to remind you that present centered listening is a huge gift for people. The people closest to us are part of our auto pilot brain because we know them so well. That’s why we don’t fully listen to them because our brain thinks we’ve heard it before already. It’s a way for our brains to conserve energy. It’s easier for us to listen to someone we just met because our brain doesn’t already have a file on them. So take these tips to heart. And try them out even if you’re not perfect. Some people haven’t been listened to like this… ever. We all just want to feel understood. So listen until the speaker feels seen.

Contact me for deeper support with skills like listening to help you connect with your partner, family and friends