The Self Esteem Bucket
Posted on April 26, 2023 by MJ Chapman, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Self-esteem isn't a fixed attribute--it's more like a bucket that can get filled or empty. How do we keep it full?
I’ve had a lot of people struggle with the concept of self esteem. It’s often discussed as if it were a fixed quantity, but this is not the case. Rather, self-esteem is more like a bucket that can be filled or spilled. When it’s full, nothing can bring you down, but when it’s empty, you may struggle to find the will to live. Self-esteem fluctuates for most people, so it’s critical to understand how to fill the bucket.
Your self-esteem bucket gets filled up when you take actions that align with your values and are deserving of your own respect. These “esteemable acts” can include (depending on your values) meaningful work, learning something new, or overcoming a fear. On the other hand, your self-esteem can be drained by doing things that violate your values or have negative consequences.
To move your self-esteem in the right direction, the first step is to understand your values. Let’s say you value developing deep relationships with your extended family more than your profession. For the last few years you have been working at a company that pays you very well—but you live 1,000 miles away from your family. if you are feeling low self-esteem, this may be contributing. While it may seem like something you had “gotten over”, it may just be simmering in your mind. “I’m neglecting my family,” you may think to yourself, without even knowing it.
Next, start doing esteemable acts that reflect your values. For example, if you value being organized but your closet is a mess, take a few hours out of a weekend to completely reorganize the closet. Why does this feel satisfying? It’s because your mind is reflecting on how you are behaving in a way that you think merits respect. The more esteemable acts you do, and the more habitual they become, the better you will feel about yourself.
Finally, reduce or eliminate how external voices affect yourself esteem both positive and negative. In general, self-esteem prospers when it is fully isolated from external inputs. This independence is desirable because it prevents your self-esteem from being jostled when positive or negative voices come and go. Meanwhile, it is wise to protect yourself from people that would harm your self esteem in their words or actions.
If you have any questions about how to implement these steps, don’t hesitate to reach out for support.
