Lost in Translation: The Struggle of Identity Confusion for Relocating Expats

Posted on April 11, 2023 by Sally Ann Eddmenson, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Before I embarked on my first expatriation in 2007, I remember reading an article about the unexpected consequences, for one’s sense of identity, of living abroad. Effects which echoed all the way through decades of life to the eventual re-patriation and the ‘return home’. Of course, not everyone does go home (I did not), and in some ways you never can. Acceptance of this truth is the final graduation for the global citizen.

Once expanded you will never go back to your former shape. Yet, simultaneously, your heart will remain divided by the yearning for a familiarity and a comfort that belongs to more than one place. People, memories, landscapes and journeys remain temporally separated and you can never again have everything all at once; for it exists in different places.

Your experiences have also made you different. And because of this, where you came from has changed forever too. The nostalgia is irreconcilable. But isn’t that – the having and the not having – in many ways, the bittersweet experience of a life?

Relocating to a new country or city can be a thrilling adventure, but it is not without its challenges. Within any profound life transition lies the opportunity for personal reinvention, yet the unpacking and subsequent reconstitution of your self-identity is no small undertaking, and these trade-offs bear examination. A relocation calls on you to create a new life out of pure potential, and the shift in perspective offered by an environmental transplant is also so total that it can help you see yourself in a new light.

Anyone uprooting their old ties and moving to a new location can expect to feel temporarily disorientated and out of place. Being prepared for this discomfort, and approaching the situation with humility and curiosity, means you can more easily integrate your experience and grow from it, rather than resisting the affront of change and suffering because of it.

One of the most significant struggles that expats face is identity confusion, which can lead to feelings of disorientation, loneliness and frustration. Simple things like administrative matters, basic errands and casual communication feel disproportionally complicated when you have no frame of reference. The sense of losing one’s sense of self is often a result of cultural differences that can be difficult to navigate, as well as practical challenges in how things are done.

In your new environment, your mental models and heuristics for navigating everyday life are suddenly upended, leading to a constant onslaught of subtle misconceptions. Initially, many of your low resolution ‘rules’ for commonly encountered situations are simply wrong – and you don’t know by how much. Psychically it’s draining. Life on ‘hard mode’ can lead to feelings of incompetence and disconnection until you start to assimilate to the new culture. You may notice your energy and tolerance are much lower and you’re prone to fatigue. Be prepared for this, as it can lead to burnout if not accommodated. This is a time for kindness towards yourself.

Anticipating these challenges will position you to capitalise on the many opportunities a relocation brings so you can meet the change with your full being. Expats who approach their relocation with flexibility, self-compassion and patience can turn the experience into a rare portal for personal reinvention. For all its challenges, the experience can be profound for re-creating and re-orientating your life. Other aspects of your personality surface in your new landscape, and the emerging science of epigenetics seems to suggest that locked parts of us can literally ‘turn on’ in new environments as we overcome novel challenges.

If we accept that happiness and satisfaction lurk in those moments where we meet life with our full potential, then your relocation experience is a powerful lever to realise this.

By embracing a bigger vision for yourself and engaging with its exploration voluntarily, you become an active participant in the process. Like the phoenix burning feathers, it is not without some pain. Those who have made the expat journey will concur that their experience was underscored by themes of sacrifice and renewal which left them forever changed.

You may find you have outgrown some of your stories about who you are. Unseen weaknesses may also emerge for examination. Take the opportunity to ask for help with these where it is appropriate. It is the surest way to make new connections; when we bear the debt and allow others to elevate themselves to meet our request. If an old habit now feels incongruent, examine yourself for emerging values. Explore them. Your self-narrative can expand and change more freely in unmapped territory. Watch that you tilt it towards gentle encouragement. You may discover more resilience than you had expected.

Anyone who has experienced the uprootedness of a serious relocation (and by that we must qualify; truly engaged with the new location, not just dipped a toe in the water before returning) will attest that we don’t know the depth and breadth of our strengths until we are confronted with no other choice but to draw on them.

The only anchor of complete certainty that will hold through your season of change is that ‘you’ are the sure common denominator. Wherever you go, there you are. For this reason, cardinal to my coaching ethos is the mantra “be a home to yourself.”