Divorce: For Women Only

Posted on March 14, 2023 by Johanna Nauraine, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Women who are considering divorce often have practical and psychological hurdles to overcome. Those who choose to leave difficult or unhappy marriages are frequently confronted with angry and resistant spouses. In contrast, those who are being left must cope with a devastating and sometimes unexpected loss. These scenarios have different dynamics.

Women who choose to end their marriages have typically lived through a protracted period of unhappiness. Often they’ve made attempts to salvage their marriage through their own efforts or by seeking counseling. Women who are married to men with addictions (sex, alcohol, gambling, drugs) have often spent years trying to persuade their husbands to stop their addictive behavior. Many have been in denial about the severity of their partner’s addiction and they have been unable to accept the fact that their partner, who often knows he has a problem, chooses the addiction over their marriage and family.

In addition, women who are married to addicts some times feel sorry for them. Addicts tend to be manipulative. They may play upon their wife’s sympathy, which contributes to a woman’s feelings of guilt about pursuing divorce. This guilt significantly impacts a woman’s ability to negotiate on her own behalf with regards to settlement.

Once a woman accepts that her husband is not going to change and that her efforts to save her marriage are futile, women often begin to detach emotionally from their partner. This emotional divorce makes the legal and financial divorce somewhat easier. But there are other hurdles to overcome.

Women who have been financially dependent on their husbands and who are in a financially vulnerable position are often frightened about the financial aspect of divorce. They are afraid their husbands will withhold financial support and they are worried about how they will support themselves and their children on a reduced income. This fear is realistic.

It is a documented fact that women tend to be poorer after divorce than they were while married. They also tend to have more difficulty earning a good income than their husband. In addition, women tend to be emotionally dependent on their husbands. This emotional dependence often contributes to a woman’s fearfulness during divorce. It also impacts her ability to negotiate for herself when it comes to settlement.

Women who want a divorce are often confronted with husbands who are angry and resistant to a divorce. Men tend to be happier in marriage than women. They may be contented in a relationship even when their wife isn’t.

Angry husbands often play upon their wife’s worst fears. They may threaten to take the children away from her. They may clean out checking accounts, stop depositing their paychecks into joint checking accounts or stop paying household expenses or expenses related to the care of their children. They may run up credit card debt, since all debts accrued during a marriage tend to be the responsibility of both spouses.

For this reason, it may be important for a woman seek legal counsel before informing her husband that she wants a divorce. This is usually empowering for women. They feel they are going to have a powerful ally during a difficult period. The legal consultation also prepares a woman for the step-by-step legal divorce process she will be going through. In my decades of experience, even though it has been difficult – all of the women who’ve sought divorce have been able to find a way to care for themselves and their children after divorce. Also, the legal system has been able to help them obtain the necessary financial support they and their children are entitled to.

Women whose husbands leave them are faced with a different set of problems. They are usually stunned and often blindsided by their husband’s announcement that they want a divorce. Not infrequently, a man seeks a divorce because he’s involved with another woman. A man in this position almost never discloses the fact that he’s been having an affair. Typically the affair has gone on for some time before he brings up divorce. A man in this situation has already emotionally detached from his wife and formed a new attachment to the other woman.

In my experience, this is a very tumultuous time. A woman frequently fights to hold onto her husband by making an appeal to try to work things out. A husband who wants out often becomes angry when confronted with his wife’s pain and distress. He may respond to her pleas to save the marriage by blaming her for the divorce – even when he is the one having the affair. Blaming may be his way of assuaging his guilt over the affair or his guilt about leaving her and their children. Sometimes a man blames his wife for divorce because he thinks the settlement negotiations will go easier for him if she feels responsible for the break-up.

Men who blame their wives for divorce may also feel disappointed with their marriage. This disappointment may be legitimate. Perhaps the man has tried to tell his about his unhappiness but she has minimized or denied the importance of his discontent.

Also, it is not uncommon for a man to blame his wife for divorce because he’s afraid she will make visitation difficult. He may be afraid his children will be angry at him if they find out he wanted the divorce and he may be afraid his wife will turn the children against him. Finally, some men blame their wives for the failure of their marriage simply because they don’t take responsibility for their feelings, wishes or behavior.

Men who are involved in affairs, often try to rush the divorce process once they’ve announced their desire to divorce. Sometimes the rush is in response to pressure from the other woman who wants a commitment. Sometimes it’s based on a conscious desire to take advantage of their wife’s vulnerable emotional state by trying to force settlement negotiations during a period when she’s vulnerable. The rush to divorce may also grow out of a man’s desire to ‘get on with life,’ especially if they’ve lived through a protracted period of unhappiness. Finally, they may be rushing in order to run away from feelings of guilt about an affair or the wish for divorce.

I often remind a woman that her husband’s desire for a quick divorce is not her problem. She does not have to adopt his timetable. She is entitled to take the time she needs to adjust to the reality of divorce and to obtain appropriate legal counsel.

Johanna Nauraine is a professional coach specializing sychotherapist in premarital, marital, divorce, infertility, and career coaching. You can read more of her articles at: www.johannascouch.com.