Divorce: Will My Children Be Alright?
Posted on March 14, 2023 by Johanna Nauraine, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Children and divorce. Divorce coaching. Helping children with divorce.
One of the greatest challenges for the newly divorced is adjusting to living alone after years of being married. Divorce forces people to be independent after years of being inter-dependent.
Living alone and being alone is especially difficult for men. For many men, their spouse is their primary and perhaps only source of emotional intimacy and support. For this reason, men often deal with loss through replacement, i.e. they begin dating right away in an effort to form a new attachment.
The feelings of loss and depression that accompany divorce often lead to a deep sense of isolation. This can result in an intense desire to find a new romantic partner. While this desire is understandable, when it’s motivated by a wish to avoid the pain of grieving, or to avoid learning to cope with being independent again, it’s usually not successful.
Every relationship, regardless of how difficult, unhappy or tumultuous – is a loss when it ends. Those who plunge into new relationships prematurely are often trying to cope with this loss by avoiding it. Typically, those relationships that follow deep and significant relationships are usually transitional. They are a way of coping with loneliness and frequently reflect a desire to return to the familiar security of being attached.
Those who get prematurely involved in new relationships following divorce, often find that these relationships are emotionally intense. This intensity is due in part to unfinished feelings leftover from the divorce. These feelings become a part of the new relationship – lending it a sense of urgency, sexual desire and longing. When these relationships end, the recently divorced person is often very torn up. They may not realize it but they aren’t just mourning the end of their first significant post-divorce relationship, they are also mourning unfinished feelings of loss relative to their ex. Some fall into an even deeper depression than the one they experienced following their divorce. It is unavoidable — with each loss, we have to revisit and rework earlier losses.
Women are often better able to cope with being alone than men primarily because they have more social supports. However, they are often frightened and overwhelmed by the financial responsibility they face following divorce. If they are the instigators of the divorce and their spouse, who is the primary wage earner, doesn’t want the divorce – this spouse may threaten to completely withhold financial support. Some times they become unreliable about paying alimony and child support. Financial stress often contributes to a woman’s urgency for a romantic relationship. Many wish to be taken care of because they feel incapable of caring for themselves financially. It is important for women to know that while they may go through a frightening period of financial struggle, the legal system will help them obtain reliable alimony and the maintenance to which they are entitled.
The ‘rush for romance’ often leads people to remarry too soon. Among the often unspoken but very real reasons for remarriage are these: the desire for emotional security and a sense of belonging; the need for relief from financial distress; an unconscious wish to avoid the sadness, loneliness and grieving related to divorce; the wish to have an experience of being part of a family once again; the desire to have a two parent family for one’s children; the desire for a second chance at the happiness that was missed the first time around.
While all these reasons are understandable — it’s important for those who have been divorced to remember that first marriages have a 50% failure rate, while second marriages have a 70% failure rate. Also, it typically takes two years for people to fully adjust to divorce and even then – there are often ongoing emotional and literal adjustments that must be made over many years, especially if children are involved. In addition, those who’ve had a failed relationship often have baggage from that marriage that, if it’s not confronted, may complicate and even sabotage a second marriage. For this reason, it’s wise for people to be doubly cautious when thinking about remarriage.
Johanna Nauraine is a professional coach specializing in premarital, marital, divorce, infertility, and career coaching. You can read more of her articles at: www.johannascouch.com.
