Call the Wedding Off!

Posted on March 14, 2023 by Johanna Nauraine, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Not long ago, a prospective client called to inquire about marriage counseling. They asked, “What’s your success rate?” I told them I didn’t keep statistics on this and I didn’t know any therapist who did. BUT… their question intrigued me.

First of all, the question contains a flaw. It suggests that the success of marriage counseling can be quantified, which is impossible. Even if a couple leaves my office having met many of the goals that brought them into counseling in the first place, there’s no guarantee that the relationship will remain healthy. Marriage is a dynamic, ever evolving relationship – just like the two people in it. It takes constant care and attention.

Later I realized there was something I had failed to tell my caller and that is, of those couples I see in my office, my record of predicting which marriages will fail is pretty close to a 100%. Since the failure rate for marriage is pretty high, this is no claim to fame. Still, you may be interested in knowing the signs and symptoms I’ve noticed among premarital couples whose marriages tend to have short expiration dates.

Conflict
1. There is frequent conflict between partners.
2. The conflict is destructive (e.g. partners swear at one another, call one another names, go after their partner’s most vulnerable spots.)
3. The conflict is intense. It includes pushing, shoving, yelling or frozen silences that last hours or days.
4. The issue or issues that are the source of the conflict are never resolved and keep coming up.
5. The conflict leads to retaliation, that is, one or both partners engage in acting out behavior – e.g. spending money without mutual agreement, flirting with the opposite sex while their partner is present, engaging in verbal put downs of their partner in front of other people, having affairs, getting drunk and staying out until early in the morning, etc.

Sex
6. The sexual part of the relationship isn’t working for one or both partners.
7. The sex is not frequent enough, exciting enough, or intimate enough for one or both.
8. The sex may seem mechanical or like a performance.
9. The type of sex the partners are having may be upsetting to one or both.
10. The partners aren’t able to openly talk about their sexual likes and dislikes.
11. Having sex doesn’t feel safe to one or both partners.

Family Relationships
12. There are frequent conflicts between the partners regarding one or both of their family’s expectations of them as a couple.
13. One partner feels like the other wants them to choose between them and their family.
14. One partner’s family is openly rejecting towards their spouse.
15. One partner’s family makes unreasonable demands of them regarding money, time or other kinds of support.
16. One spouse fails to stand up for their partner when they are being criticized by their family.
17. One partner regularly chooses their family’s need and expectations over those of their spouse.

Relationship Priority
18. One partner has close friends of the opposite sex that they spend time with but refuse to introduce to their prospective partner.
19. One partner is more interested in spending leisure time with friends rather than doing things as a couple
20. One person is friends with an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend who continues to make sexual overtures towards them
21. Both partners feel their careers take priority over their relationship with each other, so they spend little time together.

Relationship History
22. The couple has lived apart most of their courtship and have only spent time together on the weekends.
23. The couple has known each other a short time and it’s been like a honeymoon the entire time.
24. There’s a seesaw quality to the closeness. When one feels close, the other is distant and angry — then they change places.
25. There are cycles of breaking up and making up with little stability.

Relationship Dynamics
26. One person constantly criticizes or berates the other so that the one who’s criticized becomes increasingly withdrawn from the partner and the relationship
27. One or both partner’s distrust the other when it comes to infidelity, the way they spend money, the way they use alcohol or recreational drugs, the way they act when they’re around their same sex friends or opposite sex peers.
28. One partner has no friends and the relationship is their only source of social, emotional and/or financial support
29. One person has the bulk of the financial, household or child care responsibilities while the other spends most of their time attending to their own interests.
30. One person refuses to compromise in working out solutions to problems.
31. One partner looks down on or feels superior to the other.

Lifestyle
32. One or both partners has an addiction (alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling) that they aren’t willing to confront.
33. One partner wants children while the other doesn’t.
34. The partners are from different religious, racial or ethnic backgrounds and don’t respect one another’s religious beliefs or practices.

Money
35. One person is miserly, controlling and withholding with money.
36. One person racks up debt that the other has to deal with.

While none of these symptoms automatically dooms a relationship, if too many of them are present, it’s a definite red flag. Dating is a time to get to know one another. Too often couples stay together out of familiarity and a fear of being alone. Often time they decide someone is a good mate because “they have all the right credentials.” Sadly, the desired credentials are often superficial – a good job, a good education, good looks, the right age. These credentials have little to do with character or kindness, both of which will impact your happiness every single day.

Johanna Nauraine is a professional coach specializing in premarital, marital, divorce, infertility, and career coaching. Read her relationship articles at: www.johannascouch.com.