Fair Fighting

Posted on March 14, 2023 by Johanna Nauraine, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Many of us have bad habits when it comes to handling conflict in a relationship. This article offers guidelines that will help couples engage in constructive conflict and fight fairly.

1. Never attack your partner where he or she is most vulnerable. Good relationships help people heal from old wounds. Instead of trying to hit your partner where they are most vulnerable, treat their sensitivities with care – just as you want them to respect yours. Intimacy requires an environment of emotional safety. This is something two people can cultivate – primarily by respecting those areas that are most sensitive to one another. It’s not that you can’t discuss these areas, but you need to do so with care and compassion. Use the Golden Rule as your operating principle. Treat your partner the way you want to be treated.

2. Listen. The single most powerful tool for resolving conflict is listening to your partner! This may seem simple but it’s not, which is why so few people do it! When we’re in an emotionally charged conversation, most of us stop listening and start reacting. If we do listen, it’s superficial because what we’re really doing is waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can give our point of view or argue with what they’re saying. In other words, while they’re talking, we’re coming up with our rebuttal. NEWS FLASH! That’s not listening!

Real listening is done with the heart – not the head. It’s active in that we are alert and attentive. Our energy is directed exclusively towards understanding what the other person is saying, both from an emotional standpoint and in terms of the literal meaning of their words. Only after they’ve finished speaking, and after we’ve conveyed our understanding of their message, should we begin to respond with our own thoughts and feelings.

2. Discuss One Problem At A Time. As I mentioned in my article, 7 Tactics that can Tank a Relationship, many couples ‘kitchen sink’ when they fight. The conflict begins with a disagreement about one issue, but as the fight mounts in emotional intensity, one or both begin lobbing other complaints, injustices or injuries they’ve suffered in the relationship. The fight loses focus, which means there’s not a prayer of solving the initial problem. Suddenly it’s not a fight about a specific issue it’s a fight about what a jerk the other person has been throughout the relationship!

If two people are intent on working through their problems – they need to stick to one issue at a time. Once you’ve heard each other out (see “Listen” above), try to reach a resolution, or at least a mutual understanding. Once the original problem is handled successfully, both of you will feel more motivated and capable of addressing additional problems.

3. Use “I” language. When we are upset, it’s easy to begin a conversation by complaining about our partner’s behavior. BUT – if you want your partner to listen to you – it’s smarter to begin your complaint by talking about yourself. Use “I” language. In other words, your sentence might begin with: "I feel _________(describe your feelings) when you _____________ (describe their specific behavior). Or you can say, "When you ___________(describe their specific behavior) then I respond by ______________ (and describe your specific feeling or behavior). Here’s a complete example: "When you yell at me I get angry and I’m unable to listen to what you’re saying, " or “I would really appreciate it if you would ask me to do something instead of yelling at me,” or “The things you are saying are hurting me. Please stop.”

If you begin a discussion by taking responsibility for your own reactions and feelings, it’s much more likely that your partner will be open to hearing your entire message. If you begin by blaming them, they’ll be turned off to what you’re saying and they’ll begin formulating a defensive rebuttal.

4. Address problems as they occur. Trying to ignore relationship difficulties doesn’t make them go away. They will simply resurface in a more indirect, toxic and corrosive form. Your relationship will suffer the consequences of this avoidance. One or both of you may begin to feel like you’re walking through a minefield — trying to avoid potentially combustive topics. Or the relationship begins to feel superficial. Both of you know there are issues you need to confront but neither of you is willing to bring them up. Sitting on problems or allowing disappointments to build up over time also leads to explosions over minor incidents. The anger that’s expressed is disproportionate to the event because you waited too long to discuss it.

Intimacy is created through open, honest communication and by establishing a history of working through problems together. Constructive conflict does not destroy a relationship, it makes it deeper and stronger. On rare occasions, candid conversation uncovers insurmountable differences. But this is the exception rather than the rule. If this does occur, it probably means the relationship wasn’t going to have a future anyway.

5. Take a “time out” when emotions are running high. If a given subject is combustive, it’s best to break it up into pieces and address one piece at a time. Trying to discuss a major problem may be overwhelming. One or both of you may begin to say things you’ll regret. If your conversation seems to be taking a turn for the worse, consider taking a “time-out.” Each of you can go to separate rooms, take a walk by yourself or listen to music. Then, once you’re feeling calmer, come back and pick things up again. Your efforts at problem-solving are likely to be much more constructive.

6. Learn to let go. Sometimes we get injured in a relationship because we misunderstand, misinterpret or misconstrue the other person’s words or behavior. If you’re troubled by something your partner has said or done, ask them what they meant rather than reading into it. Maybe they were oblivious, preoccupied or simply careless. Chances are they weren’t out to get you or to make your life miserable.

If they’ve hurt you deeply, it may take time to let go of the injury and take a risk on becoming close again. Tell your partner how he or she has disappointed you and what you need them to do or say in order to let go of the injury. If your partner makes a sincere effort to respond to your request and to apologize for their hurtful behavior, then you need to try to let the issue go. If you are unable to do so, it might be important to ask yourself what you are getting out of “hanging on,” and recognize the price you are paying for continuing to nurse your injury.

7. Take responsibility for your mistakes. The ability to reflect on your own behavior and to admit when you’ve made a mistake is a fundamental tool in the arsenal of problem-solving. It’s Adulthood 101. If you are unable to acknowledge your mistakes and to take responsibility for your own behavior, real intimacy cannot occur. Real intimacy is based on openness and truth. While the defensiveness you’re holding on to may protect you from getting hurt, it will also prevent you from being close to your partner.

If it’s difficult for you to say: “I’m sorry,” or to admit that you’re wrong, ask yourself “Why?” Is your self-esteem wrapped up in being ‘right?’ Do you need to feel superior to your partner? Is your agenda one of being ‘in control’ rather than resolving issues between you? Do you feel shamed or humiliated by admitting that you’re wrong? If your answer to any of these is “yes,” then you’ve got a problem you need to work on.

Usually we hurt people unwittingly – that doesn’t mean it’s any less important to apologize. Partners often respond to one another’s upset by becoming defensive. They say things like, “I didn’t mean it that way,” or “I didn’t say that!” This may be true. Maybe you didn’t say what they heard and you didn’t mean what they concluded. Still – you need to acknowledge the way they heard the message, and it would be wise to ask how you could be clearer in the way you communicate.

If you are completely confused by your partner’s interpretation of your statements, you can ask them why they heard your comment the way they did. This might have something to do with them and nothing to do with you. Maybe they don’t trust you and so they hear what you say in the worst possible light. Maybe they’ve had a bad day and they’re frazzled and reactive – so they’re not really listening. Whatever the reason for the conflict or misunderstanding – issues will get resolved much more quickly if each of you takes responsibility for your part of the problem.

Johanna Nauraine is a professional coach specializing in premarital, marital, divorce, infertility, and career coaching. To read more of her articles go to: www.johannascouch.com.