Successful Marriages Take Work

Posted on March 14, 2023 by Johanna Nauraine, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

There are certain broad categories that cover the most common reasons for divorce. If you are considering divorce or if you’ve already gone through a divorce, you may find one or more of your reasons in the following list.

1. Incompatibility
People tend to define incompatibility in personal terms. It may be as specific as: I’m a morning person and he’s not; I’m a saver and she’s not; I’m a couch potato and she wants to go, go, go!
I enjoy frequent sex and he’s not interested in sex much at all. I’m a practicing Catholic and she’s agnostic. I want children and she doesn’t.

Many couples find a way to work around these lifestyle and life choice preferences. But among couples who don’t, one of several solutions tends to prevail.

• One partner accommodates the other to get along.
• There is conflict around these issues on an episodic or continuous basis.
• Spouses develop separate lives and live like room mates rather than romantic partners.

Any one of these solutions can erode the bond between partners. One or both may begin to feel their life would be easier and more enjoyable without the other.

In certain couples, incompatibility exists on a deeper, emotional level. One partner may require greater emotional distance than the other can tolerate. The one who wants more closeness may feel rejected and unloved, while the one who wants distance may feel suffocated.

2. Betrayal of Trust
In most marriages, infidelity causes the greatest damage to trust between partners. Infidelity usually occurs in secret. Both the act of infidelity and the secrecy haunts the relationship. The person committing the infidelity often feels guilty. Sometimes they unconsciously leave clues that alert their spouse. On the other hand, the affair may be a form of acting out. The cheating partner may feel angry towards their spouse and want to get even. They may feel justified in being unfaithful because they’ve felt hurt, angry or disappointed by their partner’s behavior. Finally, there are spouses who become involved in an affair because they’re in love with the person. In this case, they may actually want to leave the marriage.

When infidelity is discovered, the survival of the relationship is often in jeopardy. One partner often feels so hurt and angry that they want out. The unfaithful partner may hang on in hopes of saving the relationship.

If both people decide to remain in the relationship and work through the damage, the issue of trust is the biggest obstacle. Trust isn’t given – it’s earned. The person who’s been unfaithful has to earn their partner’s trust again. And the person who was betrayed has to wrestle with whether they’re able to get over what has happened in order to be close to their partner again.

While most people don’t like to hear this — infidelity is often a symptom of underlying marital problems. The typical underlying problem is a lack of emotional responsiveness on the part of one partner towards the other. The one who feels ‘frozen out’ may eventually ‘act out’ as a way of retaliating. Or one partner may enter into an affair because they feel emotionally starved after a long period of not having their needs met.

Some spouses are repeatedly unfaithful. This has less to do with the marriage than it does with the individual person. The spouse who is repeatedly unfaithful may be a sex addict, or they may require constant attention and reinforcement that they are attractive and desired by the opposite sex. While there are many other forms of betrayal within a marriage, the common denominators are secrecy, betrayal of trust and disregard for the other persons’ needs or feelings.

3. Addiction
Addictive behavior on the part of a spouse is a common reason for divorce. The addiction may be to drugs, alcohol, sex or gambling. Any one of these can destroy a marriage. The non-addicted spouse often tries, over a long period of time, to get their partner to stop the addictive behavior. The non-addicted spouse becomes co-dependant, meaning that — while the addict is dependant on a substance or a specific behavior — the non-addicted spouse becomes increasingly dependant on the addict!

Non-addicted or co-dependant partners often engage in enabling behavior. They make up for the deficits of their partner by taking on more of the household, financial and/or child rearing responsibilities. They make excuses for their spouse’s addictive behavior. They sacrifice their emotional wellbeing as well as the wellbeing of their children, in order to remain in the marriage. In many instances, a partner’s concern for their children becomes the primary motivator for leaving the relationship.

4. Abuse
Physical or emotional abuse is another reason a partner may decide to leave a relationship. Typically, wives are the ones who are battered physically or emotionally – but not always. Occasionally men are bullied and abused too. These spouses have difficulty extricating themselves from the abusive relationship. Often they lack emotional or financial support. They may be so emotionally or financially dependant on their partner that they believe, despite the abuse, they won’t be able to survive without them.

While there are as many different reasons for leaving a marriage as there are people – these broad categories cover the most common reasons. Read, Should I Stay of Should I Go? for more information about how people decide to divorce.

Johanna Nauraine is a professional coach specializing in premarital, marital, divorce, infertility and career coaching. Read her relationship articles at: www.johannascouch.com.