Divorce: Letting Go and Moving On

Posted on March 14, 2023 by Johanna Nauraine, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

In my experience, a person’s readiness to move forward after divorce is related to several factors. These include the depth of the attachment between the partners, the length of the relationship, the degree to which the relationship was emotionally satisfying versus emotionally destructive, how traumatic the divorce was, and the individual’s history of losses. Those couples who were deeply attached to one another – even those whose attachment is primarily negative – have a more difficult time moving on than those whose emotional attachment to one another has been less emotionally passionate. In addition, those couples who’ve spent much of their adulthood together have special difficulty adjusting after divorce. Their partner has been part of their reality for a very long time and it’s a tremendous adjustment to conceive of life without them.

People with a history of significant losses often find it difficult to form new attachments or to move through the natural feelings of sadness and depression that accompany a significant loss. Some get stuck in sadness while others get stuck in anger. Either one is a way of emotionally holding on to the marriage and the ex.

Those who can’t stand the loneliness of divorce after years of being partnered may quickly establish a new romantic relationship. While this may appear to be a way of moving on, it can also be a way of avoiding or prolonging necessary emotional work.

Many divorced people engage in frenzied dating following divorce. This is a period of experimentation during which they may be trying to figure out whether they’re still desirable to the opposite sex. They may also be trying to discover what kinds of romantic partners are different from and perhaps an improvement on their ex. This ‘dating frenzy’ may include engaging in a series of short term sexual relationships. The sexual aspect of these relationships may also be a way of affirming their attractiveness, a means of gaining some physical comfort from touch or a way of finding something that was missing during their marriage.

Each person’s readiness to approach the necessary tasks associated with rebuilding their life is unique. There is no right or wrong way of going about it and there is no common time table.

Occasionally ex’s continue to have periodic sexual contact with one another. Whether they realize it or not, this is a way of hanging onto their partner and the marriage. Additionally, it’s almost always emotionally disruptive to one or both. Just seeing your ex during the exchange of children for visitation, or around the neighborhood, can set you back emotionally.

It’s especially difficult to see your ex with a date. Even if you were the one that wanted the divorce – the realization that your ex is no longer available to you may hit you with a sense of finality you didn’t have before. It’s easy to feel that your ex’s new relationship diminishes the one the two of you had together. This is not true.

Sometimes ex’s provide child care for one another, so each can go out socially or on dates. They may rely on one another to help with emergencies around the house or with automobile breakdowns, etc. There are instances when ex’s ask to borrow money from one another or rely on one another in other ways. This continuing dependence is a way of holding on to each other and to the relationship. Moving on can’t occur until each of you lets go of your dependence on the other.

It’s advisable to keep contact with your ex to a minimum. See each other when it’s necessary. Try to avoid getting tangled in conflict or extended conversations during your contact with one another. Keep your relationship business-like and focused on relaying information about your children.

Moving steadily through the psychological and literal aspects of post-divorce adjustment is the optimal way to get on with your life. It’s helpful to establish goals such as paying off debt, returning to school, working towards a promotion, helping your children return to functioning well at home and in school, eliminating open animosity towards your ex, traveling on your own for the first time, beginning to date casually, developing new friends, pursuing hobbies, etc.

Most of us enter marriage with hopes, dreams and expectations. When a marriage comes to an end, we mourn these dreams as well as the relationship. You may need to be patient with yourself, but you may also need to be brave as you confront your feelings of sadness and loss. Completing this emotional work will help you get on with the business of your own life.

Johanna Nauraine is a coach who specializes in premarital, marital, divorce, infertility and career coaching. Read more of her articles at www.johannascouch.com