Getting Along With Your Future Inlaws

Posted on March 14, 2023 by Johanna Nauraine, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

When you get married, you are not only marrying your fiance’, you are also marrying their family. This creates a whole host of relationship challenges. Here are some of the most common family and in-law issues couples face during their engagement.

Possessiveness
In my experience, possessiveness tends to occur most often between mothers and their sons. Men who have had close relationships with their mothers, who are the oldest child or oldest son, and those who have had literal or emotional responsibility for their mothers, may feel caught in the middle between their mother and their fiancé. This is a relationship triangle that’s fraught with potential conflict.

In some instances the mother-in-law may not like or approve of her future daughter-in-law. This may be due to certain personality characteristics she perceives in her son’s fiancé, but it may also be based upon a conscious or unconscious belief that ‘no woman is good enough for my son.’ Ultimately, this belief masks the mother’s difficulty letting go of her son whom she may have grown to depend on. This dependence is especially present among single mothers of only sons who marry late in life.

In these instances, the fiancé may feel like she’s competing for her fiancé’s attention. She may feel she’s being treated like the ‘second woman.’ This is especially true if her fiancé permits his mother to be behave badly towards her and doesn’t stick up for her.

In the worst situations, mothers place their sons in the position of having to choose between their fiancé and them. They may test their son’s loyalty through many small skirmishes over wedding plans, social events, etc.

In these instances, engaged women may grow distrustful towards their fiancé and feel that they can’t count on him. This distrust may be justified. It’s possible for a son to experience difficulty separating from his mother. He may feel guilty ‘leaving her alone.’ This situation can make the engagement period difficult. However, it’s essential for a man to establish independence from his mother prior to his marriage, otherwise his marriage may be in jeopardy.

Holidays
The holidays are a common source of friction between couples and one or both sets of parents. Most families have holiday rituals and traditions. Both sides may be reluctant to compromise in any way when it comes to planning holiday events. Each may expect their child’s fiancé to adapt and adjust to the family traditions that are in place.

In this instance, the couple needs to make a decision on their own about how their going to deal with these competing demands on their time. Some couples solve this by creating a tradition of their own. Other couples alternate holidays with each of their families. It’s important for each of you to accept the fact that your family may be disappointed with the decisions you make regarding how you’re going to deal with the holidays. Additionally, it’s important to stick to your guns. Both families will eventually adjust to the decisions you make – even if they’re not particularly happy with the outcome.

Wedding Planning
Conflicts frequently occur between engaged couples and future in-laws concerning wedding planning. Weddings are fraught with meaning for both sides. They symbolize the emotional separation of each member of the engaged couple from their family of origin.

It is not unusual for the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom to compete for a say in the wedding planning. If one side is putting up more money towards the wedding, they may feel entitled to more ‘say so’ over what occurs. In this instance, the bride and groom need to be careful not to trade too much of their independent decision-making in exchange for financial help.

The guest list is probably the most frequent source of conflict between engaged couples and their families. In some instances, the family of each may be so vocal and insistent about having things done a certain way that the couple begins to feel they are losing control of their own wedding! Don’t let this happen! It’s your wedding. Be prepared for conflict with family members on both sides as you struggle to retain control of your big day.

In the event that the actual wedding is unimportant to one or both of you – then it may be easier to let your parents plan it. Still, you will probably need to intervene at some point to prevent conflict from breaking out between your parents!

The most tricky situation occurs when the wedding planning is very important to one member of the couple (usually the bride) and the future mother-in-law becomes insistent upon having certain things her way. In this situation it’s important for the future groom to intervene with his mother and to support his fiancé when appropriate.

The Parents
The best advice I can give to each member of a couple when it comes to establishing relationships with future in-laws, is to have realistic expectations of one another. Don’t expect your future spouse to be your mother or father’s best friend. It’s great when parents feel the marriage of their child brings a new son or daughter into the family but it’s just as likely that this won’t be the reaction, so it’s best not to expect it.

Civility and consideration is required when it comes to in-laws. Each person in a couple needs to consider the needs, feelings and requests of the other’s parents. In doing so, you are acting in a manner that’s respectful and caring towards your partner.

It’s typical for couples to be closer to one set of parents than the other. This is always challenging for the parents that are on the periphery. A child’s feelings of loyalty and protectiveness towards their parents needs to be respected by the spouse and efforts made to include these parents in family events and social occasions. If possible, it’s wise for each member of a couple to make efforts to establish an individual relationship with each of their partner’s parents. This can be accomplished through golf outings, lunch or shopping trips, invitations to get involved in some aspect of wedding planning, etc. Taking the initiative to build these relationships can pay off well into the future for everyone involved.

Johanna Nauraine is a relationship coach, specializing in premarital, marital, infertility and divorce coaching. Read more of her relationship articles at www.johannascouch.com.