The Self-Love Kit: How to Protect Your Energy and Honor Your Boundaries

Posted on February 23, 2023 by April Ross, One of Thousands of Spirituality Coaches on Noomii.

What is self-love?

“Self-love is the air beneath the wings of all our relationships.” – Elin Stebbens Wadal

It is the way in which we give ourselves what we need in order to thrive and feel our best.

The “me” from four years ago knew nothing about self-love. She was a product of years of programming and conditioning, which made her believe that she needed to mold herself around other people’s needs. She bent over backward to lend a helping hand or to rescue friends and family members from their own mistakes and problems. She said yes to everything when she should have said no. She whittled back her own needs in order to meet others’ needs, until soon… she was out of love to give.

If this sounds familiar, you most definitely have a case of a people-pleasing malady. It strikes all of us generous, yet codependent, hearts at some point. But, have no fear. There IS a way you can turn things around and return all of that love back to yourself.

Simple Steps to Increase Self-Love

If I’ve learned a thing or two over the last few years of my healing journey, it is to honor myself more. There are several ways to do this, each of which I will go into more depth about below.
Say No More Often
Honor Your Boundaries
Protect Your Energy
Do Nice Things for Yourself Instead of Others

While none of these is more important than another, it is necessary to be mindful of how much you are giving to others, overextending yourself, or seeking to please. When you catch yourself in the act, choose one of the following strategies and implement it immediately. Take notice of which of these action steps you neglect?? the most so that you can create a more harmonious balance between the love you give to yourself and that which you give to others.

1. Say No More Often

For all of my fellow people pleasers out there, this action step is one of the toughest… especially if you grew up in a household where you were taught that your needs came second to the needs of your parent or caregiver. The inner child in you will immediately experience guilt in saying no to someone who has asked a favor of you. You may feel a pull inside to say yes, even before you give yourself time to fully consider whether or not you want to or are able to accommodate the person’s request. To complicate matters, the favor may be presented in the form of a crisis, something urgent, or a problem that needs your specific attention.

This is where you have to be clear on how you wish to spend your time and energy and say no to anything that doesn’t align with your own needs or desires. Practice responding honestly and directly to these types of requests. Ask yourself, “Is this what I want to do?” “Am I acting out of guilt?” “Is saying yes to this request going to mean saying no to myself?” “Is the person asking the favor of me someone who offers support in return?” “Am I rescuing the person from something they should do for themselves?” “Am I seeking approval or validation by helping?” “Will I feel stress or anxiety as a result of performing this favor?”

If you struggle to answer these questions with certainty, or if there is anything within your nervous system that feels off (such as stress, anxiety, overwhelment), then your inner guidance system may be trying to tell you something.

2. Honor Your Boundaries

The next step in loving yourself more is through creating strong boundaries. The best understanding of how boundaries reflect self-love comes from one of my favorite quotes by Prentis Hemphill:

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

To establish a boundary is to choose yourself. To establish a boundary is to create space between your own needs and the needs of another. It is a reflection of how much you value yourself: your time, your energy, and your emotional and mental well-being. Because, how can you love yourself and be connected with yourself if you are pouring all of your time, energy, and attention into others?

Boundaries come in many forms. There are boundaries of time, boundaries of access, emotional boundaries, energetic boundaries, and relationship boundaries. Each of these types of boundaries plays a role in how much space we have to give back to ourselves.
Boundaries of time, for example, allow us to prioritize the way we spend our day, our week, our month. They help us to create pockets of time for doing what we love, for self-care, for passion projects, and for fun. We can limit the amount of time we spend giving to others so that we have more time to give to ourselves. Doing so coincidentally leads us back to Step 1, saying no. In order to maximize the time you have to give back to yourself, you are going to have to say no to things that have no return on your investment.

Emotional boundaries, on the other hand, protect our hearts and our self-worth. Establishing an emotional boundary might look like: speaking up for yourself, communicating your needs and desires, and telling someone when their actions hurt you or make you feel bad. You will know if an emotional boundary is needed when you begin to feel taken advantage of or feel angst or resentment towards someone because you are not getting your needs met in a relationship. This usually signifies that one person is overgiving and the other is undergiving in the relationship. It is an act of self-love to advocate for your needs and bring these imbalances to light.

3. Protect Your Energy

Action Step 3 builds upon Action Step 2. Once you have learned to set boundaries, the next step is to protect your energy. A form of protecting your energy is to limit your exposure to energy-draining people and situations. This will help you preserve your physical, emotional, and mental energy for the things you need to do or want to do instead. For example, if someone in your circle of family or friends tends to be negative, low vibrational, or full of gossip or drama, you can create an energetic boundary by only coming into contact with them for short periods of time, spread out over long increments, and in a setting where you have an out. You can also avoid putting yourself in situations that drain you, such as situations that create emotional chaos or confusion, over-stimulating environments, or any type of negativity. This ensures that your energy is not being depleted and that your battery stays full for more important things.

One really good way to know if your energy is being drained, and under what circumstance, is to listen to your body. Your body is an intelligent organism. It responds to emotions like fear, stress, and anxiety, and it will give you clues as to when you are overextending yourself, surrounding yourself with unhealthy people or situations, or not caring for yourself. Symptoms such as headaches, fatigue, digestive issues, physical pain, and other similar signs will present themselves. If you are an intuitive person, you may also notice how you feel energetically in someone’s presence… an indication of whether or not their energy and vibration are a good match for you. When people or situations make you feel uneasy, anxious, or depleted, take notice. This is your body’s way of telling you to steer clear. You can conserve your energy by being mindful of who has access to you and what situations you put yourself in. Your energy is essential to you feeling your best, so spend it wisely.

4. Do Nice Things for Yourself Instead of Others

Lastly, a final step you can take to love yourself more is to pour more of your energy and attention into doing things for yourself that make you feel good. While it would be great if others would shower us with gifts, trips to the spa, fun adventures and experiences, we cannot always rely on our cup being filled by other people. In fact, one of the most important things we can do to avoid falling into the codependency trap, into the people-pleasing trap, and other unhealthy patterns, is to deepen our connection with ourselves. In loving ourselves more, in giving ourselves the love, attention, and treatment we seek from others, we become more whole and fulfilled. We can then experience a greater sense of freedom and satisfaction because we are able to meet many of our own needs.

This is not to say that we don’t need others or that we shouldn’t do nice things for others. Humans absolutely need connection and need one another. But, in putting ourselves first, in meeting our own emotional needs first, we can learn to accept love, gifts, support and attention from others as an added bonus. Not as a requirement for our happiness.

So, take yourself out on a date. Go get your hair styled, get your nails done, or get a massage that makes you feel amazing. Treat yourself to a weekend getaway somewhere you enjoy or enroll in that cooking class you’ve been wanting to take for a while. Whatever favors or thoughtful things you are doing for others, stop and ask yourself, “Am I putting the same kind of love and attention into myself?” Be aware of your tendencies to overgive and instead turn that generous heart of yours inward.

After all, you are the one person who will always be with you for the rest of your life. The relationship you have with yourself is first and foremost to the relationship you have with others. Feel free to print and use the task cards below as a way to check in with yourself to see how you’re doing. Cut the cards out, stack them on your dresser, and draw one randomly each week as a way to cultivate more self-love and a deeper connection with yourself. Cheers to you!

[Resources and task cards available upon request. Formatting would not allow upload.]

Author Bio: April Ross is an author, lightworker, and spiritual mentor who guides others on their awakening journey to heal from unhealthy patterns and behaviors, free themselves from the past, and step into becoming their most authentic, aligned selves. She is the author of Bravely Becoming © 2021 and the course creator of Soul Awakened, a step-by-step guide to navigating the awakening process.