Enabling Versus Empowering Coaching
Posted on February 18, 2023 by Bryan Yates, One of Thousands of Performance Coaches on Noomii.
People seek coaches to help them become another version of themselves: a business owner, a better manager, a faster cyclist, a body change success ...
I’ve got a colleague—a very talented life coach—who often talks about CORE CONFUSIONS.
Core confusions are behaviors in which we believe we’re acting one way, but are in fact acting another way. A good example of this is being SACRIFICIAL versus being SELFLESS. Behaving sacrificially is doing something as a way of signaling one’s suffering. Largely performative and designed as a manipulation, being sacrificial is doing a thing with an underlying expectation. For example, “I gave up my acting career” or “I’ve done EVERYTHING for this company” or “Why can’t you see how much I’ve given of myself?” If I’m acting in a sacrificial way, I’m trying to maneuver you to see me in a particular way.
Being selfless is just the opposite. That is doing a thing with no expectation of ego reward whatsoever. It is a form of giving for the love of it. Being sacrificial comes from need, which is the ceding one’s responsibility to their own agency and happiness. Conversely, being selfless comes from love, because it is given freely by choice.
I often see another example of a core confusion with new coaches and managers: ENABLING versus EMPOWERING.
People seek coaches to help them become another version of themselves: a business owner, a better manager, a faster cyclist, a body change success story, a stronger romantic partner, a leadership guru. Our job is to direct their energy towards that version of themselves they are seeking. If we’re not moving that energy positively, then we’re keeping it status quo… or worse.
Coaches often encounter client resistance during the breakthrough process. That resistance often sounds like, “I didn’t do X, because I just wasn’t feeling it this week…. Or, I have a complicated relationship with that.” We can meet that resistance with enabling or empowering language.
The ENABLING coach knows this is an opportunity to push for growth. Instead, they choose to respond with something like, “Give yourself permission to do you. Have another skinny margarita.” Rather than coaching the client on giving themselves permission to become the person they want, the coach focuses instead on the permission to make no change at all. This might come from a concern that pushing will only upset the client and drive them away. And, if they drive this client away, then they’ll lose the income. And, if they lose this income, they’ll surely end up living in a van down by the river. Enabling is people pleasing, and people pleasing comes from fear.
Like a detective, an empowering coach wants to get to the root of that resistance. To do that demands being constantly curious. It also means being very comfortable not having the answers. (Not having the answers is one of the nagging insecurities of newer coaches.) The classic “5 Whys” exercise is one way to break through noise and get to the signal. Seeking to know someone for who (or where) they are today requires honest curiosity. True curiosity comes from love.
With curiosity & love,
Bryan
