We All Have Different Parts

Posted on February 09, 2023 by Peter Callahan, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.

There are many times each day, that I want a person or a situation to be different than it is.

For a long time, I barely noticed how often this was the case. I may try to change the situation, or learn communication techniques in the hopes that I can elicit different behavior from people. Sometimes it works. Most of the time, it does not.

But as I have practiced slowing down, noticing the emotions and sensations occurring in my body during these times of resistance to what is going on, it has been humbling and empowering to recognize how often the main source of discomfort is within me. Often it is the story I am telling myself, or the belief I have about what should be happening.

This is not to say that my experience is not real or valid. Quite the opposite. I am now able to recognize more often, that these moments of resistance or discomfort are some awareness in me, some part of me, some underlying need within my body that is interpreting what is happening and trying to communicate what it wants.

Maslow called it a ‘hierarchy of needs’. Marshall Rosenburg’s model ‘nonviolent communication’ posits that all human behavior is an attempt to meet our needs.

I sometimes like to simplify the long list of potential needs into three buckets – feeling safe, seen, and supported.

What these parts are trying to tell me can still be challenging to discern. But I now trust that my anger or sadness are not coming out of nowhere. A part of me needs something, and it is doing it’s best to let me know.

So the next time you get frustrated at someone, have trouble focusing on your work, or say something that you regret, instead of lamenting what a terrible person you can be, or wishing others were different, maybe you can instead ask – what do I need?

May you be well.
Peter