Creating and Maintaining Healthy Friendships

Posted on February 02, 2023 by Emily Wood, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Are great friendships hard to find?

When I was a teenager I thought I wasn’t finding friends because there was no one I really connected with, and that the people around me simply weren’t my kind of people. One of the biggest realizations that I’ve had from all that I’ve learned is that it really does start with ourselves. I went through my learning curve, and have discovered some amazing gems along the way.

I’ve narrowed those things down to five important pieces to creating and maintaining healthy friendships.

1. Valuing Ourselves

I absolutely need to start with this one. First, it is completely possible for friendships to exist without one or all of the individuals valuing themselves. Speaking from experience, these are not healthy relationships.

If you aren’t able to acknowledge your value from within, you’ll seek to have your value acknowledged from the outside. This is exhausting to both you, and to others. It’s like you’re thirsty, but instead of drinking the water and taking it in, you pour it on your face. It might be refreshing for a moment, but it wont quench your thirst.

In other words, people can tell you all day long the things you’re craving to hear, but unless you believe them yourself it does nothing to help you. You have to decide, to believe that you are valued, loved, and that your life matters.

Friendships without this are draining.

On the giving end of an unhealthy friendship it’s as if you’re constantly finding more water to pour, while watching them refuse to drink it. On the receiving end it’s confusing, you feel refreshed by the water the other person provides, but you grave more of it, never understanding it’s you that needs to drink.

Healthy friendships are invigorating. It’s a constant stream of energy exchange, both willing to give, and both willing to receive. You’re continuously learning to value yourself more, which in return helps you to value others more. You are independent beings that choose to rely on each other, it’s not out of desperation, but love.

The power these kinds of friendships have! You can’t help but grow. You grow as an individual, as friends, and in every area of your life.

I’d like to note that people who haven’t learned to value themselves are still worth loving, but it’s a different kind of relationship. It’s not a friendship where you spend all of your time with them. That’s not a friendship, it’s a kindness. You can be kind, and you can give. But love and value yourself enough to make friendships with those who will give energy back to you, and not just take it away.

I limit my time with those who are struggling with their value. I will sit with them, cry with them, and work with them to find their value. They matter, and I was once in their shoes, but I also understand how important it is for me to set boundaries. So let’s talk about that.

2. Boundaries

Once we understand the importance of valuing ourselves, it’s easy to see how boundaries fit. If we love and respect ourselves then we set boundaries to demonstrate that.

As I’ve gone through my learning journey, I’ve had to do some reevaluating in some of my friendships. I’ve recognized that some friendships have a balance of energy, while others are out of balance. I’ve also looked at my priorities with myself, and my time. From there I’ve been able to see what boundaries I want to set on my time, and my energy.

In setting my boundaries with others I’ve learned a few things.

First, not everyone is going to respect your boundaries. They may have different expectations of you. If they’re not able to respect your boundaries, it’s ok to limit contact with them, or remove it all together. I had to do that with one friend who was struggling with my boundary relating to the time I was able to spend with them. They resorted to name calling, and stated that my boundary was a form of discrimination.

People say a lot of things out of fear, fear of change, and fear of losing things. We’re not helping anyone by giving up our boundaries to make them feel more comfortable. We can still show love and respect to these people, while also doing that for ourselves.

I handled this situation by telling the person that I was not ok with the name calling (setting a boundary), that my opinion of them hadn’t changed that they are a good person (being kind, and understanding that we all have value), and that it was best for us to part ways as I wasn’t able to meet their expectations and that they were having a difficult time with my time constraints (respect for them and for myself).

Second, your boundaries may change or evolve. As you grow, and your life changes you may find your boundaries also changing. This will be an adjustment for you, and for others around you. I’ve been in situations where my boundaries had changed, and yet I didn’t realized it until after a boundary had been crossed.

In situations like this I had to take a step back, look at what was important for me, and then communicate that. In healthy friendships they will understand and respect your boundaries, but note that it’s ok for them to need time to process them, and figure out what’s best for them too.

Third, boundaries can bring up unresolved conflict. We are all human beings, and even if we have been raised in the same area, and speak the same language, we can still find ourselves misunderstanding each other. Boundaries can bring up conflict, but in healthy friendships it can be the start to working through deeper issues, and growing stronger connections.

If conflict arises because of boundaries you’re setting, it doesn’t mean you have to throw out the friendship. Some of my strongest friendships have had some major conflicts.

In these situations it can be difficult to know when to keep trying, and when to part ways. One of the biggest indicators can be how you, and the other person handles the conflict. So let’s talk about conflict.

3. Conflict

Unhealthy relationships are ones where they expect to agree on everything.

One of my best friends and I had a disagreement that left both of us with hurt feelings. We first had to process those feelings on our own, and then once we had worked through the painful bits we were able to come together, listen to one another, and move forward.

By first owning and processing our feelings on our own, it helped us not to lash out at each other. It took the heat out of our conflict. It was much easier for us to understand the other person, and see where we could communicate, and improve in our behavior.

Healthy friendships help to change us for the better. In unhealthy friendships, conflict may be viewed as a sign of being no longer loveable. If we view conflict this way we cannot move forward to the kind of friendship that we could have.

After my friend and I had processed our feelings we listened to each other. We realized that we both had misunderstood each other. We took ownership for the part that we played. We acknowledged our pain with each other.

In a time in the world where more people would rather “ghost” each other, or ignore the conflict, my friend and I were happy to see that that wasn’t and isn’t who we are. We decided that our friendship was worth working through.

So process your pain first, and take the heat out of it.

Listen to the other person’s pain, listen to understand.

Acknowledge and own your part of the conflict.

Acknowledge their pain, share your pain, and understanding of the situation.

Work together to move forward, and how a better friendship can be built.

4. Ownership

In conflicts, in friendships, or in life in general it is powerful to take full ownership for ourselves, and our actions. Each one of us are agents to act, and not things that are acted upon.

In other words, do we make things happen, or do things just happen to us? We need to own that we have the power to make things happen,

Too many times I hear people say things like, “why does this always happen to me?” or, “they made me feel this way.” They are giving their power to someone else, instead of owning it.

We are attracted to people who own their own power, because I think we secretly want to own our own power too. It’s easier to work with those who own it. It’s a lot harder to work with those that have given it away.

Going from “you made me feel this way”, to “I felt this way from this situation” is a change in ownership. The first one puts blame, and gives power to another person, while the second one owns their own power to feel, and that there is a situation that can be worked through.

All good relationships start with ourselves. Start by owning your power.

I once believed that there were certain types of people that would never want to be my friend. I wasn’t owning my part in it. I was pushing it onto them, “they didn’t want to be friends with me.”

I started to change that thinking though. I met someone that I wanted to be friends with, who fit into this label I had created. I decided to reach out, and take some of my power back that I had given away.

The most amazing thing happened, we connected over so many things. We became friends, and I learned that I had more power than I had been aware of. I could make things happen, and not just let things happen to me.

5. Attitude of Fun

My friends and I get together, and go on lots of adventures together. From our adventures we’ve had a chance to see how we handle different kinds of circumstances. Circumstances like delayed flights, rental car issues, long lines, exhaustion, and general decision making.

Some of us are grumpy in the mornings, some of us are more picky when it comes to the food we eat, some of us like a general plan for the day, and other prefer to figure things out as we go.

One of the things I’ve noticed is that we all keep a good attitude, and try to find the fun in whatever we do. So in long lines we find games, or other things to entertain each other. In delayed flights we might need a good cry, but then we head to a bakery and find something new to try. We talk about the great stories these trips will make.

In decision making we work and mold to each other. We start with a general plan, but aren’t afraid to change things along the way. We’re not afraid to play either. On our last day at a vacation rental my friend and I were cleaning up, and had food we needed to throw out before leaving for our flight. We ended up having a bagel fight, and we went to find the other two friends to get them in on the fun too. I love how we make those everyday moments fun.

We know when to play, and we communicate when we’re needing some space. Fun can be throwing bagels, or it can be sitting on a couch enjoying each other’s company. Having an attitude of fun is more of the norm in the friendships I have because all the other things are in place. This one is the crowning of all the rest.

Conclusion

My friendships have absolutely transformed from doing these things.

There’s so much meaning in our friendships by valuing ourselves.

There’s so much respect, and understanding by setting and keeping boundaries.

There’s so much freedom that comes when we are willing to face conflict.

There’s so much power in taking ownership.

There’s so much happiness in the fun when all the other things are in place.

This is a process though, so start with one. Where are you missing something? What are you needing? More freedom? Work on conflict. More self and mutual respect? Work on boundaries.

Are great friendships hard to find?

Maybe. But maybe it’s not about finding them. Maybe it’s about learning to be a great friend. By being a good friend creating and maintaining healthy friendships become possible.