Can I Change My Partner?
Posted on November 05, 2011 by Deborah Ainsworth, One of Thousands of Family Coaches on Noomii.
Many people feel that they want to "change" their partner to more desirable behavior or to be more the way we would prefer them to be. Explore!
Can You Change Your Partner?
Imagine a couple that has just gotten married, they are on the true honeymoon of their relationship and they love everything about one another, even the things that to outsiders would be seemingly irritating. When a couple is in love and are in the honeymoon phase, they accept what and who their partner is, but beware, this can change and probably will. Many times, when the honeymoon is over, there are thoughts about changing your partner.
As time goes on in a relationship and marriage, the honeymoon fades and what was once playful and cute, becomes a bit annoying and frustrating as we realize that our partners are “human” and that can be a true let down for some. This frustration can lead to our partner also recognizing what is “human” within ourselves as well, and then a cycle can begin, the cycle of trying to “change” what we once ignored due to our love for the partner.
A strong partner relationship is the foundation to the rest of the family and essential to build healthy relationships within the family. To begin, self awareness is the first step in building healthy relationships. Having an understanding of oneself and the reasons for the reactions and responses to things goes a long way in building healthy relationships with your partner and within the family. Self awareness may also allow you to let go of some of the things that bother you about your partner as you realize the partner is not the bad guy, it may be your background influencing your response to some of their behavior. Changing your partner is more than just about your partner.
One of the keys to overcoming the temptation to try to change your partner is to remember what you were first attracted to with your partner and what you enjoyed most about them. It is surprising to most that most couples enjoy 80% of one another. However, most divorces stem from the 20% that they want to change. The goal is to not dwell on that 20% and don’t dwell on complaints about household chores or responsibilities, in the long run, that is the small stuff, find a way to accept the 20% and focus on the 80%.
A good example of keeping focus on the 80%, instead of nagging about the trash not being taken out at the time you want, try a positive comment, “I really appreciated the time you got the trash out last week, do you think we could do that again? I’ll give you a big hug for it.” That changes the negative nagging about the trash to something playful and you will probably see the results you seek. Or instead of complaining, make requests to avoid arguments and defensiveness. Requests not criticism, requests not demands will go a long way. Now of course, the 20% can be more complex than taking out the trash, however, you get the idea that turn the negative comments into positive and kindness to achieve results. It will take practice, but your partner will appreciate it and it will bring closeness.
Realizing and identifying your partners faults will not lead to improvement of the relationship. People never enjoy hearing what is “wrong” with them or perceived as a needed change. Most of the time, what you do not like about your spouse or partner will NEVER change. On average, of the 20% that you may not appreciate about your partner, 70% of the 20% is unchangeable. So the goal here, enjoy the 80% and realize that every relationship has unresolved differences and we as humans always have certain problems that do not go away. Change your focus from things that bother you about your partner, to things that you enjoy. People in general do not like criticism, and especially with their spouse or partner, they want someone who enjoys them and loves them for who they are, even if they don’t love that dreaded 20% that we all have.
Behavior patterns that irritate you can cause you to criticise your partner. However, you can try sensible things to manage differences. Anytime you may feel frustrated with your partner, it may be due to not understand them and how their upbringing and past may be influencing their behavior. What is important to you, may not have been important to them and they may not understand why it is important to you.
ALL couples have conflict, it is their response to conflict and their response to managing and repairing conflict that build healthy relationships. For instance, if you know you are in a bad mood, instead of lashing out at your partner, because you think you can, try “I’m sorry I am not good company” or “I am in a bad mood right now, but give me a few minuets and I will be open to talking”. This sets the boundary and eliminates a potential of conflict.
Remember that calculation above, that 70% of the 20% is unchangeable? Well….30% of that 20% we would like to change about our partner IS open to growth. Keep in mind that people do not change unless they feel accepted for who they are. Only when we enjoy the person and no longer feel the need to change them that the person may become willing to change. The power to have healthy relationships rests within us. We choose to see the good in our partners and worry less about what is undesirable.
Replace criticism with appreciation and realize that the most important change we can make in our relationship is in our own attitudes and behaviors. Doing these things takes time to master, but it will go a long way in making the partnership stronger. Changing our partner? Some growth in our partner is possible, but to have true change, our own focus, response and change will move towards healthier relationships. Before you blame your partner for all that is wrong in a relationship, be sure to have self awareness on what role you play and things you may change about yourself first.
