How to Use Negative and Painful Emotions to Build a Happier Life

Posted on November 21, 2022 by Margaux Raynaud, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

We spend a lot of time trying to avoid painful thoughts and emotions. We pep talk ourselves, go out for diner, watch a movie, any strategy that gets our focus off them.

These strategies can work in the short term, but are they effective in the long term?

As put powerfully by Steven C. Hayes, the originator of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): “You hurt where you care and you care where you hurt”.

What does this mean exactly?

It means that your pain can be a powerful indicator of what you want in your life.

Your pain points to what personal values have been stepped on.

For example, the pain of betrayal shows a yearning for trusted relationships.

So don’t escape your pain, it has a purpose: putting you in the right direction.

By all means, go out for diner, or to watch a movie, or pep talk yourself. These are fun, and can be effective coping mechanisms.

But also take the time to feel, and to reflect. Listen to your pain: what is it trying to tell you?

Then, channel that painful energy to go get what you want, and create a more fulfilling, purposeful life!

Concretely, you can do that in 4 steps:

1) Feel and name the emotion. If you’re not sure what emotion it is exactly, you can use an “Emotion Wheel” (there are several available online) to clearly pinpoint the emotion.

2) Reflect. What happened in that situation? What was the trigger?

3) Reframe the negative emotion into a positive need. For example, transform “I am sad because they lied to me” into “I need and value loyalty and honesty and I was hurt by the lack thereof”. This will also allow you to have more self-compassion for your negative emotions and more generally, your reactions.

4) Implement. This awareness will help you seek what you need in your life and establish your boundaries with others in a non-violent manner. You can use Non-Violent Communication (NVC) to that end.