The Conversation That Changed My Life by Aligning My Values

Posted on November 17, 2022 by Sabrina Sourjah, One of Thousands of Performance Coaches on Noomii.

“It seems just too risky to hand in my resignation without having at least one freelance client signed up to work with me yet. I have a mortgage to pay every month as well,” I told my peer coach.

“So, what values do you get to express in your current job?” my coach asked me.

As a coach myself, I knew this was one of our go-to coaching questions to ensure that the client’s actions and choices aligned with what was important to them — their values. But I was quiet for a long time as I turned this question over in my mind.

The focus of my coaching session that day was to work on my frustration with my job. I was working on a side hustle to get a freelance business going, but that, too, hadn’t taken off by that time. I badly wanted to quit my job. I have known this for the past ten years since I started my corporate stint.

“My stop values are freedom, service & empathy, and peace. I guess most corporate jobs don’t have a lot of freedom anyway. I mean, I can go and come as I please as long as I deliver my projects on time. But there are so many meetings to go to and so many procedures to follow,” I managed a response.

“What else?” she knew that I was only just beginning.

“I get to empathize with my stakeholders and provide them with a service. I love to see how users’ eyes light up when they see how the system we developed saves them time, and they don’t have to do manual work that sucks their life. Honestly, this is how I make meaning in my role. How I convince myself that I’m doing something worthwhile, although my colleagues seem genuinely excited solely by the technology and its potential,” I sighed loudly over our Zoom connection.

“I feel your frustration, Sabrina. I hear you struggling to make meaning in your work,” she said kindly.

“Yes, I’m really struggling here. I know what I need to do, and I’ve been trying to find a freelance client for a few months now. But nothing seems to be working out. I’m scared that I’ll be trapped in these corporate jobs until I die,” my voice cracked a bit, and my hands shook.

“So, what about the peace you want? Are you getting that in your job now?” she knowingly smiled. We have been peer-coaching each other for a while now.

“Well, with the current political situation at work and the changing corporate culture and leadership, there is really not much peace either. I have this sinking feeling every Sunday afternoon, thinking about what drama I’m going to have to face that week.”

“It looks like none of your values are being completely honored at work then, except for maybe a bit of empathy and service. Does that sound right?”

“I guess. That feels really bad that I have been doing something that hasn’t aligned with my values for a little over a decade. What’s wrong with me? Why have I lived this life?” I was losing it.

“Well, people stay in jobs that they are not happy with for a long time for different reasons. I’m sure you had your own reasons too.”

“Yeah, I think I did it for the money. I mean, one of my top values is freedom, and that includes financial freedom. I take a lot of pride in making my own money. I have never depended on a man or my parents as an adult. Financial freedom is very important to me.”

“How important is it? It’s perfectly alright if it’s your topmost value, and you have to honor it no matter what.”

“As I’m saying all this, I realize that it’s a very important value. But I’m also questioning whether it trumps all other values that are not getting expressed in this job,” I look away from the camera at the blue skies visible through my glass-paneled windows.

“I think it’s an important value, but I need my other freedoms, peace, and the ability to service people more fully,” I made a decision.

“There are many ways of making money in this world. I can teach English online, work at a retail store, or do an online data entry job. I’m sure I can figure something out until I get more freelance clients. I will find clients eventually. It’s just a matter of time,” I was on a roll.

“Looks like a lot of things are becoming clearer to you now. What do you want to do with all those realizations?” she gently moved me toward action.

“I’m going to hand in my resignation after the December holidays. I really don’t want to live a life that’s not aligned with my values anymore. I have had enough of it. I will somehow make this work. In the meantime, I have some savings too.”

That was that. I handed in my resignation in January 2021 and have never looked back from my freelancing since.

Coincidentally — although I don’t really believe in coincidences — after I made the decision to quit my job after this conversation, a client signed me up for three months at the supposedly high prices I had quoted, even before January rolled in.

“Believe something, and the Universe is on its way to being changed. Because you’ve changed, by believing. Once you’ve changed, other things start to follow. Isn’t that the way it works?”

― Diane Duane, So You Want to Be a Wizard

Takeaways:

When what we do does not align with our values, there is a lot of internal friction within us. This conversation changed the way I started looking at any decision or task that I was taking on. I now always ask, does this align with my values? Because if not, I know that it’s going to be insufferable in the long term.

This calls for another question: do you know what your true values are? We may think we do, but do we really?

Here’s a pro tip from a coach. Most of the time, the things we think are our values are really not our values. For instance, I used to think integrity was one of my values because, obviously, every person needs to have integrity, right?

But after much soul-searching, I’ve realized that it’s not in my top three values. Not that integrity isn’t important to me. But other top values that help me express myself fully and authentically in this world.