Challenging Perfectionism and Becoming Human
Posted on November 09, 2022 by Erin Clyne, One of Thousands of Health and Fitness Coaches on Noomii.
For those of us who are stalled or creating negative self-talk due to perfectionism, this article is a gateway towards freeing ourselves.
Be a good employee. Be a good person. Be a good partner. Strive to be a better version of yourself daily. It’s a bit stressful hearing these phrases, isn’t it? For those of us who hear these phrases constantly from our own internal dialogue, where do we find stillness, peace, or satisfaction in any given moment? Whether it’s competing with ourselves or comparing with others, it can be a never-ending cycle. As counterintuitive as it sounds, sometimes being at peace with the present can bring about more positive progress than continuing to push forward to satisfy that internal dialogue. How we speak to ourselves matters.
For those of us that hold ourselves to exceedingly high standards, or perfectionism, we may experience a consistent stress response. This approach has been linked to poor mental well-being such as depression and anxiety since we’re often telling ourselves that we’re not enough or that we must keep moving the finish line out of reach (The Wellness Society, 2020; Virant, 2019). Without realizing it, we can degrade our self-confidence and “stress more and achieve less” (Waters, 2022). We can get so involved with achieving what we have our sights set on that we neglect the basic needs of ourselves or those around us. We may procrastinate waiting for the perfect plan or circumstances, or even isolate ourselves because we’re not ready to show our imperfections.
Despite the fastest route between two points being a straight line, life is rarely that way and we learn and gain experience when we allow space for mistakes and learning from them. It builds resilience to experience the highs and lows of a journey. To compare this to something “tangible”, let’s look at the stock market. Research by Bank of America has demonstrated that trying to time the market (perfectionism) averaged a return of 28%, versus staying the course through the highs and lows can bring a return of about 17,715% (Stevens, 2021). Done is better than perfect. Living with imperfection can allow us to progress more than waiting for or attempting to create perfection.
So, how do we rewire our brains? One common recommendation is to look for safe ways that you can allow yourself to make mistakes (Virant, 2019; Waters, 2022). What this tactic provides is a way to learn that mistakes are okay and potentially even fun. Laughing at ourselves can be incredibly healing by calling upon self-compassion. Once we can begin providing ourselves with compassion, we can start viewing the world around us with increasing compassion. We are human, we make mistakes, and we’re expected to make mistakes in this experiment we call Life. And, when you make these mistakes, notice the emotions that come up for you. Can you specifically challenge them in order to find a more compassionate response? Notice how you can care for the parts of yourself that you’ve previously deemed as imperfect.
Another concept to consider for this common trait of high achievers…is to celebrate our achievements (The Wellness Society, 2020; Virant, 2019). If we’re constantly moving that finish line farther away, at what point do you take time to reflect on and absorb the experience? What were the positives? What can you now do that you couldn’t do before? Acknowledge the mini-goals that are leading you towards the bigger goal. And that bigger goal CAN CHANGE or SHIFT. The entire journey is the experience, not just the finish line. Allowing for space in our day, in our interactions, and in our thoughts can help to properly digest what has happened, and what we want to happen moving forward without getting caught up in the need/must/should of internal dialogues.
On my own journey away from perfectionism, I’ve been able to appreciate the world around me more consistently beyond putting one foot in front of the other, how it allows me to better value and be true to myself, how perfect my imperfections are, and how showing up with those imperfections allows others around me to be their true selves as well. I isolate myself less and don’t guilt myself into work nearly as often – it is still a journey. Allowing myself to make mistakes has provided greater learning opportunities so that I may progress my professional prospects beyond what I had previously limited myself to in order to avoid failure. Improving this deep relationship with myself has allowed me to build healthier and stronger relationships with others. I now feel more a part of the world around myself, a more integrated person on multiple levels.
It can be scary to allow yourself to be imperfect, but remember that you are only a singular human and that you don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders alone. So, what’s the first glorious mistake that you’ll laugh at?
References
Stevens, P. (2021, March 24). This chart shows why investors should never try to time the stock market. CNBC.
The Wellness Society. (2020). Introduction to reducing perfectionism: A fluff-free guide® by The Wellness Society.
Virant, K.W. (2019, June 17). Perfectionism and chronic illness: Perfectionism can hurt us, but we can do something about it. Psychology Today.
Waters, S. (2022, February 3). Perfectionism isn’t a virtue (and doesn’t help well-being, either). BetterUp.
