Self-Care Steps to Improve Confidence and Boost Your Pleasure
Posted on October 18, 2022 by Janet Williams MD, One of Thousands of Health and Fitness Coaches on Noomii.
Reclaiming an astonishing sex life can be an easy process that benefits many aspects of your health. Learn how with these rejuvenating steps.
Life got hectic for Tasha. She was forty-five years old when she came to see me for her twenty-minute routine screening appointment. A busy single mom and patent attorney at a large high-volume firm, it had been two years since her divorce was finalized. Five years had passed since the birth of her only child, Briceson, and a whopping six years since she last had sex. When I asked her if she was sexually active, she broke down. “No, no. I’m not, and I used to love sex. When I first got married, we would go at it multiple times in a day. Now I almost feel like I may never have sex again. I was seeing someone for a while. He was fine as hell, fun, and a great guy, but the one time we messed around, I wasn’t feeling it. It was weird and uncomfortable, even after three tequila shots. I just couldn’t get into it and asked him to stop. What’s wrong with me? Is there a pill that can fix this?”
I said, “Maybe, but we need to evaluate a few things first.”
You see, there is usually a lot to unpack when it comes to sexual function, it’s complex, and it’s varied, and it changes over time. So, it’s important to consider all of the variables that contribute to each person’s situation in order to provide the best solutions. That generally takes more time than is available in a twenty-minute screening appointment. There is a concept called the biopsychosocial model of sexual response that basically takes into account key aspects of an individual’s life and physical state when approaching this problem. The concept includes biological, psychological, societal, cultural, and interpersonal factors.
For Tasha, biological factors like hormonal changes of perimenopause and nerve and blood vessel health may have been at play. The psychological impact of her life in the past few years needed to be addressed. Divorced, single mom in a stressful job. This was likely a huge part of the concern.
Another issue that would need to be explored was her relationship with alcohol. Alcohol itself can physically put a damper on sexual functioning, but an underlying overuse or abuse problem could in fact, be the underlying issue. I would like to evaluate any interpersonal factors required to understand the quality of her current and past relationships and any issues around STDs, performance, and technique.
And finally, social influences of upbringing, culture, her role as a mom and as a professional woman in the workplace.
I don’t always have time allotted to address every possible aspect of the biopsychosocial model, but I do utilize some key quick-start steps that address each of these aspects. There is always time to implement a few sure-fire steps in the process. Before I arranged tests for Tasha, I told her about my S.E.L.F. C.A.R.E. Quick-Start.
I believe everyone needs a regular self-care routine for overall and specifically sexual health and wellness. However, if you haven’t seen your gynecologist in a while, make sure your screening and checkups are all up to date. Make an appointment to check in with your doctor and let her know what you are experiencing. Sometimes just a telephone appointment will help to jump-start you in the right direction. Once that’s squared away, or while you wait for your appointment, you can get the ball rolling.
A Basic Intimate Self-care Practice
If you don’t have an intimate self-care routine, this is a good time to get started with one. When I talk about self-care, I am not talking about masturbation, although masturbation can be a fantastic part of your self-care practice (more about that later). Self-care is about taking time for yourself, becoming aware of all the things that are affecting you emotionally, and then connecting with your body.
We move fast in our society. And for most women in their forties and fifties, life is hectic. There are kids being shipped to soccer, dance, or volleyball practice. Bosses are breathing down our backs with deadlines, parents are aging, and divorce or breakups are often occurring. Then there are career changes, empty nesting, and illnesses. I could go on, but the point is, life is frenetic. When we practice self-care, we set healthy boundaries and foster balance for ourselves. We take pride in who we are, and our relationships benefit. Self-care puts a pause on all of the madness and allows us to take an intentional loving breath.
SENSE Your Body:
I’ve observed that many women with fast-paced, high-demand jobs have the tendency to move from thing to thing without pausing to feel and observe what is going on in their bodies. We’ll jump on the Peloton for a forty-five-minute ride but won’t really slow down and sense our own bodies. Sometimes our bodies are trying to tell us important information, but we aren’t slowing down enough to hear it. That’s why I advocate pausing and doing body scans and non-genital pleasure checks. The body scan is a way to connect your mind and body systematically and intentionally, which improves sensation and blood flow. Start with your toes
and go up to the top of your head, asking yourself the following questions and answering in your head or out loud. For example, you’ll ask yourself: Do I feel my toes? Are they hot, warm, or cold? Is there pain, pressure, or pleasure in them? Can I feel my pulse? What could I do that would make them feel pleasurable?
ENVISION without Limitation:
If you could visualize the perfect sexual encounter in an imaginary world on an imaginary planet that was completely safe and risk-free, what would that look like? Who would be involved? Where would you be? What would you do? Make a note of what you visualized (write it down on paper, notes in your phone, or recorded message to yourself but make a note of your vision somewhere). You can come back to this at another time, expand on it, adjust it, or change it. The point is to, without barriers, risk, or judgment, use your imagination, and stimulate your brain.
LUBRICATE:
Vaginal and vulva dryness and irritation are very common when estrogen levels are low. Estrogen levels in the body decrease with cyclic changes, when postpartum, when breastfeeding, and most commonly with perimenopause and menopause. Making sure your vulva and vagina are sufficiently moisturized and lubricated are going to be key in any sexual activity that involves the vulva and vagina.
If you are dry and irritated on the outside, regular application of vulvar (external skin) moisturizer is a good way to practice your body scan, do a pleasure check, and improve irritation. If you are experiencing dryness internally, an oil-based or hyaluronic acid-based vaginal moisturizer may be helpful. If you’re having intercourse or using a toy vaginally, lube is the name of the game. I recommend lube to almost all of my patients. I’ll be discussing more on the different types of lube and vaginal moisturizers available in Chapters 7 and 10.
FLOW:
Blood flow is one of the most important biological factors in sexual health. Healthy circulation to the genitals and specifically the bulbospongiosus tissue, which is important for arousal response and orgasm. There are several options to stimulate blood flow in the body. This mainly involves some sort of movement or tissue stimulation. Massage, yoga, body oil, dry brushing, warm bath, walking, running, and even squats are all excellent ways to get your blood pumping.
CONNECT with a Spirit of Gratitude:
Connecting spiritually in thanks is good for your health. Pick one aspect of your body, your previous experience, or the good sensations that you do have, and express thanks in the form of a meditation, prayer, or simply saying thank you to your body. Research has shown that gratitude not only helps reduce depression and anxiety, but it also helps improve heart function and immunity. So, send your thanks and watch your sex life improve.
AFFIRM:
There are millions of messages that we receive consciously and subconsciously from the people around us and from media that negatively impact our self-image and our view of ourselves sexually. It’s critical that we counteract these messages with affirmations and positive self-talk. You can listen to audio affirmations in the background as you go about your day. I love to listen to affirmations on my drive to work. It’s a passive way to send positive messages to your subconscious mind that eventually affect your here and now.
RITUAL:
Decide on your ritual. You can use each one of the S.E.L.F. C.A.R.E. points to construct a ritual that suits you. A daily or weekly ritual is a fantastic way to stay in touch with yourself.
EVALUATE:
Every so often, it’s important we take stock of ourselves, our friendships, and our relationships. Are you practicing self-love? Do you speak to yourself negatively? Do your friends support and lift you up? Is your partner supportive of your sexual health and growth? Are you giving more energy than you are receiving? Are you communicating your needs and asserting your boundaries? Are your boundaries respected? Are your emotional needs supported by the people in your life? Is there anyone chronically tearing you down?
Tasha began to utilize these Self-care principles in her life. She ended up settling on a biweekly ritual. Though it wasn’t the total solution to her concern, it was eye-opening, and she made some important discoveries. Her non-genital pleasure checks made her aware of two new places on her body, her underarms, and her ears that brought her sexual pleasure. There were more steps to be taken, but she was on her way and hopeful about the road ahead.