Give yourself permission to not suffer
Posted on October 05, 2022 by George Miller, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.
When there is so much uncertainty around us, it is more important than ever that we face it with a strong sense of who we are.
These are challenging times for a lot of us, and some are having to deal not only with sheltering-in-place and other limitations but have also lost their jobs or feel that they are nowhere near as secure as they once were. It’s important during these times to recognize that whatever challenges you are facing, you have the right to overcome them. You should not accept unhappiness or think somehow you deserve it.
I can recall a time in my life when I didn’t see this, when I made the decision to become a performer. I had people supporting me in this choice and several promising opportunities open up, but looking back, I realize that I didn’t really intend to make it big. Looking back at my early 20s, I see that part of what the psychologist Alfred Adler called my fictional final goal was that I would simply be found. Somewhat consciously I believed I would do better if I suffered more. Again, if I controlled my suffering I had the allusion of a modicum of control. As Fyodor Dostoevsky, the great Russian philosopher and author puts it, “Humanity is sometimes passionately in love with suffering.” I unconsciously believed that being successful wouldn’t really count if I simply promoted myself aggressively. Being responsible for my own success did not fit with my immature strategy to affirm my existence.
Alfred Adler believed that how we see ourselves and what we believe the world expects of us is largely formed by the time we are five or six. After that, the choices that we make are made from that template of who we understand ourselves to be and the choices we make are largely unconscious. Adler referred to this way we have of steering ourselves as our fictional final goal. “Past experiences are utilized by the individual in the process of forming his final goal, still in fiction, a fabrication, the individual’s own creation.” Even though the end goal does not exist in reality, we are unwittingly working towards its achievement. The fictitiousness of the goal also implies its unconscious nature. Adler’s goal concept is characterized particularly by the fact that the individual is largely unaware of his goals—that it is typically a hidden or unconscious goal the individual does not understand.
When there is so much uncertainty around us, it is more important than ever that we face it with a strong sense of who we are. Are you in love with unhappiness? Do you see failure as something you deserve? These are hard questions to look at, let alone answer, but it is essential to your success in life that you do confront them. In my work as a life coach, I make sure you don’t have to confront them alone.
References:
- Dodson, Eric. “Dostoevsky’s Notes from the Underground — In Ten Minutes.” Eric Dodson. Youtube.com, December 24, 2014. [link removed]
- Adler, Alfred, Heinz Ludwig Ansbacher, and Rowena R. Ansbacher. The Individual Psychology of Alfred Adler: a Systematic Presentation in Selections from His Writings. New York: HarperPerennial, 2006.
- Ansbacher, Heinz Ludwig, and Rowena R. Ansbacher. The Individual Psychology of Alfred Adler. N.Y., Basic Books, 1959.
