When Saying "I Love You" Is Hard
Posted on September 27, 2022 by Mieke Stapelberg, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
While effortless for some, for others saying or hearing the words "I love you" can conjure up feelings of pain and resentment.
I grew up in a home where love was openly expressed, and saying “I love you” was as common as diagnosing yourself with a terminal illness based on one simple Google search. The words “I love you” never made me feel uncomfortable, and as far as I can remember, I was the first to tell my husband that I loved him – albeit after only a few short weeks, and I am sure he is going to disagree that I was the first one to say it. I often ask myself, could it be that I say the words “I love you” too easily because I heard it so much growing up? And is that even a bad thing? My love language, without a doubt, is words of affirmation, and so is my husband’s, so in our case, I don’t think saying the words “I love you” present a challenge because we both love the sound of it. But, it could have been different. What if he felt uncomfortable hearing those words because it may not have been something that I grew up hearing all the time? I automatically assumed that because I loved hearing, others would, too. And that’s simply not the case.
So, what do you do if you have a partner who doesn’t feel comfortable saying it as often as you would like to hear it?You learn how to express your feelings through other methods of communication, such as physical touch and other types of words of affirmation, so each person feels loved without having to say “I love you” out loud all the time. Maybe it could even be helpful to reframe it this way…
“Talk is cheap, and actions speak louder than words.”
If your love language is words of affirmation, what other words might your partner be able to use that don’t make them feel awkward and uncomfortable?
It’s also absolutely necessary to verbalize to your partner why hearing or saying the words “I love you” is so important to you. You should first figure out if this issue is worth talking to your partner about before jumping straight into confrontation mode. How much is it really affecting you? Asking your partner questions such as “why is it difficult for you to say these words?” can spark a conversation that could lead to you learning more about them on a much deeper and much more fundamental level. However, you must be open to understanding and not taking their answer to your question personally. Easier said than done, I know, but give yourself a little pep talk before having this conversation with them as a reminder that this probably isn’t about you. As with most things related to relationships, compromise and understanding are key to a healthy one, and thus, your partner should also be open to understanding why you like hearing that they love you. Once couples understand each other’s love languages, it becomes easier to communicate effectively.
“My dad never said he loved me. Suddenly, at age 20, I found myself out of the house and in a serious relationship where I heard the words “I love you” all the time. It was supposed to be glorious, and it’s what most people would want, but I just couldn’t get myself not to cringe when I heard my husband say it. It was almost as if I didn’t believe him. I didn’t trust that the words were genuine, and he could always tell I was averse to it. Eventually, he stopped saying it, and I was confused about why. That’s when I thought he had stopped loving me, even though I knew he loved me… just like my dad did. We chose to pursue couples counseling and call out the elephant in the room. That was the first time I opened up to my husband about my relationship with my father, which brought us closer. I now also understand my dad more and that this isn’t just about someone not saying, “I love you.” It’s a generational thing.”
Communication is key. It’s important to express your needs and wants openly to your partner, and if you feel uncomfortable doing so, you might need to do some self-reflection on your relationship and why you’re unable to verbalize your needs. Are there unresolved intimacy issues between you two? Do you avoid discussing certain topics due to fear of conflict or judgment that has caused walls of misunderstanding within you over time, causing you to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms?
Remember that we all come from different backgrounds and that not everyone knows how to verbally assert their love for another person. Our childhood experiences greatly shape who we become and how capable and willing we may be to vocalize emotions. Take a moment when you’re ready, seek professional advice if needed (it won’t hurt!), then sit down together. Empathy goes a long way in building effective communication while eliminating confusion and hurt feelings, especially during interactions where emotions run high.
