The conflict in decision making when reaching midlife

Posted on September 07, 2022 by Efie Vogel, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

I would like to share with you a theory from the field of Psychology. This theory stems from research conducted by Dr. Daniel Kahneman, a professor at Princeton University and the winner of the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences.
Professor Kahneman claims that when we intend to make rational decisions, we are sure that our choices are properly weighed out, and our conclusions take into account all relevant factors. But, when we follow the logical path taken when making decisions, it seems that we use faulty traits that lead to suboptimal decision-making.

The Experiencing and Remembering Self
Professor Kahneman determined that people have two types of selves:
An “Experiencing self” and a “Remembering self”.
The experiencing self relates and operates in the present. It has the memory span of a goldfish. Conversely, the “Remembering self” accumulates memories and experiences but operates in the future while reflecting on the past.
Professor Kahneman explains the difference between the two selves by illustrating the following example. A physician while performing a check-up asks, “Does it hurt when I press here" is addressing the “Experience self” and trying to understand what is happening now.
The same physician may ask "How have you been feeling lately?” Now the medic is trying to activate a mechanism for recalling past events and understand how the patient remembers the collective past events.
Bias approaches and other filters can contaminate the processing of the memory. A hypochondriac will tend to exaggerate the extent of the pain he remembers to match the need to receive intense medical treatment. On the flip side, a person with Trypanophobia (fear of needles) might try to minimize the impact of his condition to bypass medical procedures.

Adding a twist to Professor Kahneman’s theory
Before continuing with Professor Kahneman’s theory I would like to share the following anecdote.
Someone sent an acquaintance a text message that said:
“On your way home, please pick up a carton of milk, and if they have nice melons bring three.”
The one that sent the text was astonished to see the acquaintance arrive with three cartons of milk. Puzzled, then asked: “Why did you buy three milk containers?” To that, the friend grinned and said, “You should have seen what beautiful melons they had in stock.”
Is there any difference if the anecdote refers to a mother and her six-year-old son or if the characters are two mature friends? The first case may be considered “cute” while the second one will be referred to as “underperforming and detached behavior!”
If, while enjoying a movie with friends at the cinema, you peek over your right shoulder and see a fifteen-year-old sitting all alone, then glance over your left shoulder a see an older man sitting by himself, do you relate to the two incidents differently?
After giving the topic some thought, I hope professor Kahneman will appreciate it if I use the essence of his theory and add my own perspectives.

So, I will assume that it is the “Remembering self” that is making decisions; however, is still influenced by the “Experiencing self.”
The “Remembering self” is vastly molded by social values and the surrounding environment, A pleasant memory is often described as what society considers to be pleasant. A roller-coaster can be seen by toddlers as extremely frightening, but teenagers will enjoy the extreme activity. Therefore, a toddler with his “Remembering self” spectacles will reject repeating the roller-coaster experience. On the other hand, the adolescent will be eager to experience nausea once more.
I suggest that the impact of the "experiencing self " fluctuates. Infants have no social pressure. When experiencing hunger, tiredness, fever, etc., they cry until their needs are taken care of. They won’t fight sleep just because friends consider it to be nerdy to nap. Action is taken based on needs here and now with consideration of the near future, with zero additional time span. The "Remembering self " is not utilized yet, it trickles in when the awareness of social conventions intensifies.
The opposite occurs in midlife. As people mature, they slowly start to develop an attitude of "I don’t care what others think. I will do what is best for me.” The older we get, the weaker the effect of social opinion has on our decisions.
When the ability to remember starts to fail, the “Remembering self” starts to lose its total domination over the decision-making process.

Dissonance in midlife decisions making
Regarding midlife, I draw this conclusion.
When going through midlife, an internal conflict creates emotional turbulence. A maturing force is starting to identify with true personal needs, and a feeling of detachment from social expectation begins, awaiting the “Experiencing Self” to regain the reins of making the decision, but the reign of the “Remembering Self” continues to struggle for control. Welcome to “midlife dissonance decision making.” It can be called the “Gray hair ponytail phenomenon.” My suggestion is that this situation might be a major contributor causing life satisfaction to be rated the lowest when going through midlife.
It is important to raise awareness that, as midlife starts to creep up, opposing instinct starts to mess around with the process of how to prioritize lifestyle.
Realizing that a conflict between the raising “true inner preference” that is slowly pushing aside the dictation of social customs is a key factor towards life satisfaction in midlife and is the main gateway to living a chosen life, unlike the one social-driven behavior imposes.
Professor Kahneman, thank you for letting me use your theory.