The Sneaky Inner 'Helper' That Is Holding You Back
Posted on September 06, 2022 by Jen Dayton, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Of course you want to heal, grow, and be your best self! But is your growth being thwarted by shame? Here are some of the sneaky ways it shows up...
POV: You’ve begun the process of exploring your emotions, your history, and the unhelpful thought patterns that have been keeping you stuck.
Congrats! You’re probably pretty good by now at noticing negative self-talk. When your brain says something outright mean + untrue like “You’re not good enough,” “You’re broken,” “You’re unworthy of love,” “Nobody likes you,” etc. you’re able to recognize it for what it is — an unloving + unkind falsehood, an echo of someone else’s pain, a thought you don’t have to agree with or abide by.
Your ability to see these unhelpful thoughts clearly for what they are removes the power they have over your life. But what about the ones we can’t see so clearly?
Introducing: Shame. Shame is not a specific thought or feeling — it’s a way of looking at ourself as if there is something wrong with us. It’s a worldview many of us have internalized on a very deep level, and it can shape our thoughts + behavior in very sneaky ways. It may sound like…
“I should ____ more/less”
“I _____ too much”
“I don’t ___ enough”
“I’m too ____”
“I’m not ____ enough”
“My ____ is a real problem”
“I really need to work on ____”
”I have to stay on top of ____”
“I need to heal ____”
“If I could just ____ then everything would fall into place”
“If I don’t control my ____ then everything will fall apart”
“I need to put my best foot forward”
“If I don’t show up polished + prepared, they’ll think I am ____”
Shame often disguises itself as a helper; which is tricky, because of course you want to heal, grow, and be your best self! The drive to explore + expand our limits is healthy + natural.
What is not natural is believing that we are less valuable, less worthy, less valid, or less ‘good’ because of how we are right now. That thought paradigm comes from systems of oppression. And we don’t heal or grow by enforcing oppressive thought paradigms on ourselves.
Shame creates suffering, angst, depression, anxiety, and self-loathing. It constipates our creativity and makes us hide ourselves. So in order to continue our journey of personal development + healing, we need to un-shame ourselves and approach personal development from a place of grace, love + self-respect.
When you find yourself struggling with a ‘bad habit’ or a part of yourself that you want to change, here are some questions to ask yourself…
– What if this emotion / behavior I’ve been seeing as a ‘problem’ isn’t bad or wrong?
– What if my body + mind are doing exactly what they need to?
– What if this part of myself is trying to communicate something to me, or serve me in some way? And, if that’s the case, what might that be?
By un-shaming our issues, quirks, and idiosyncrasies, we can see them for the gifts they are and receive the wisdom they have to offer us. Remember, you are not a problem to be fixed — you are a magnificent ecosystem! Explore with wonder, observe with respect, and tend with love + appreciation.
Are you ready to ditch the shame and let your inner wisdom blossom? I want to remind you how perfect + powerful you are! Schedule a (completely free) introductory coaching session with me, and I’ll give you some personalized action steps to get you started on the right foot.
