Couples tools: The Red and Green Ball
Posted on September 01, 2022 by Tony Borodovsky, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Couples conflict solutions
Two people sit on opposite sides of a table, unable or unwilling to move out of their chairs. Between them sits a ball which is painted red on one side and green on the other. This object represents something that is important to them, but they cannot move forward until they come up with a plan together. They’re both trying to explain their experience to the other, and they’re frustrated that they cannot agree. The first person says,
“Look there’s obviously a red ball on the table. I’m telling you the truth as I see it. Why can’t you just listen to me?”
The second person, feeling that their experience is being ignored or belittled by the first person replies,
“How can you say that? I’m sitting right here and the ball on the table is obviously green! Why are you always making me feel like I don’t know what I’m talking about?”
The more they try to describe their own experience, the further apart they get, and the more frustrated they become. The worst part is, they cannot actually talk about the underlying issue that is important to them – they are stuck on discussing the fact that they can’t validate the other’s experience of the situation.
The only way this situation can move forward is for one or both people to get up from their chairs, and see the ball from another angle. Only then can they realize that the situation they’ve been discussing has additional aspects they were not aware of – that the ball really is both green and red at the same time.
Once they absorb the information that the situation was more complex than they knew, they can validate each other’s experience, and begin discussing the issue that’s important to them in a way that takes all aspects into account.
