You are awesome. You are brave. You inspire me.
Posted on August 24, 2022 by Lois Lavrisa , One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
On top of that I am a female (so lucky me, I get a double whammy of having a hard time accepting praise.)
You are awesome.
You are brave.
You inspire me.
You are wonderful.
You are so kind.
You look great!
Reading over those, how do they make you feel?
When someone compliments me, I will be really honest with you, I get nervous. My heart races. I feel a bit of dread. I shrivel up inside and feel small, lost and confused.
Why?
Because I was conditioned to think that praise equalled the receiver of the praise getting a big head (and associated that with negative words such as arrogant, big ego, selfish…)
I also learned that when someone praises you, they must be lying and being sleazy because they were really trying to get something from you (in other words they praise you, you lose your guard and then they take advantage of you in some way.)
In my twenties, I had this conversation with my mother.
“So, I’m curious and I would love for you to help clear this up for me. Thinking back, I’m not sure if I recall correctly, but I have no memories of you ever giving me a compliment or any type of praise,” I said.
“I decided to never hand out compliments to you all (my three sibling and I) because I didn’t want you guys getting a big head,” she very matter-of-factly (and proudly ) stated (as though she did us a big favor.)
So praise = negative.
Now on top of that I am a female (so lucky me, I get a double whammy of having a hard time accepting praise.)
Let me explain.
Typically females have a difficult time accepting compliments, more so than males. Let me give you examples of two females interacting:
- Sender: “I love your shirt! It’s adorable!”
- Receiver: “Oh this old thing? I got it on clearance years ago for next to nothing.”
and another example…
- Sender: “I love your shirt! It’s adorable!”
- Receiver: “I love your shirt too, it looks so great on you! And your hair is perfect. You always look so much better than me, you are so cute!”
How about this one….?
*Sender: “I love your shirt! It’s adorable!”
- Receiver: “Really? It’s not that great, it barely fits me anymore and look here- there’s a stain I just can’t get out and it’s fraying here ….”
Social psychologist Laura Brannon said that it’s common for all women, no matter how successful they are, and no matter how confident they are, to have a difficult (often uncomfortable) time accepting a compliment.
Brannon continued, “Women with low self-esteem are more likely to genuinely not accept the compliment because it is inconsistent with their self-concept and they find it threatening.”
Are women with healthy self-esteem immune? No, they’ll also reject, deny, and deflect praise because they want to be seen as polite and modest.
Often, when faced with a compliment, women become self-effacing, self loathing, bashful and self-deprecating.
As though flat out accepting a compliment (like just saying thank you) was some sort of social faux pax worse than death.
Are you nodding your head while reading this?
Then, next time you receive praise, try this. Respond by saying “Thank you.” Period.
- Sender: “I love your shirt! It’s adorable!”
- Receiver: “Thank you!”
This acknowledges your appreciation of the sender of the praise.
It also send a message to yourself that you are worthy and deserving of a praise. And you are!
Why not try it?
Lois
