The Number One Most Overlooked Tip to Improve your Sex Life

Posted on August 10, 2022 by Becky Makous, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Many couples struggle with vanishing intimacy, feelings of boredom, routine, and reduced sexual connections over time, sometimes leading to thoughts of breaking up or taking other steps to bring intimacy and connection into their lives. There are a multitude of reasons for relationship breakdowns, and here we will look at one of the frequently overlooked reasons that I see in my Relationship Coaching Practice.
Couples experience all kinds of sexual mismatches: differences in libido, different erotic desires, wanting guidance in how to open their relationship, overcoming infidelity, and shame around sexual identity. There are many tools for how to communicate better, find compromises or win-win scenarios with sexual differences, and ways to get closer to a vulnerable and connective relationship. However, most of these tools overlook an essential and relatively attainable ingredient to have a strong sex life.
Most people focus on communication when trying to improve their intimacy and closeness. While there are many excellent communication tools out there to deepen connection and build emotional safety, sometimes talking and being too “heady” can further lead couples away from building physical intimacy and closeness.
This tip is meant to be experiential and become more embodied and move you and your partner away from your head and down into your body. There is so much wisdom in the body, which societally is often overlooked and ignored at best, or disdained at worst.
The number one overlooked intimacy tip for couples is to physically play together! Sometimes sexual intimacy can feel heavy or intimidating to initiate for fear of rejection. It can be a negative feedback loop where rejection leads to resentment which leads to more inhibition. Because of this feedback loop, the idea of sex gets heavier and more intimidating, and it can be difficult to break out of. Playing together takes the pressure off physical intimacy and brings you and your partner back to your body, and helps you have fun! Try to create space for physical play at absolute minimum once a month together, but better yet once a week or more if you can prioritize it.

Fortunately, there are many pathways to physically play together. Here is a list of some ideas:
- Hiking or working out together. Sweating together and creating an endorphin-boosting shared experience together can be a fun and playful way to nourish your body and reconnect with your partner. This could look like trying out a new workout class together, or hiking to a nearby peak or nature area
- Yoga. This is a wonderful way to decrease your stress and slow down your nervous system (which is a valuable pathway for feelings of sensuality to reawaken!). Practicing pranayama, yogic breathing, is a powerful way to reconnect to your body even just on its own.
- Dancing. Classical dance like ballroom or tango can be a fun way to physically connect with your partner, or better yet shaking your booty to some tunes you both love. You could also try slow dancing in your living room if that is more your speed. Or if you are feeling more adventures, you can try out a contact dance class to bring more play into your dancing
- Snuggling and caresses. You could try experimenting with various kinds of touch on one another, like light and slow feather-touch, or deeper firmer holding touch. Try 15 minutes of experimenting with this kind of touch to see what you both like, without any expectation of going anywhere else. See what kind of touch feels best to receive and what kind of touch feels best to give. Notice how various parts of your body react to the touch, it might feel different on your arms, face, torso, head, legs, etc. Bonus points if you find some overlooked erogenous zones!
- Wrestling or pretending to be animals. If you are ready to take it to the next level of playfulness to decrease your inhibition you could try wrestling together or pretending to be animals. It could feel silly at first, but this is a great way to get out of your head, into your body, reconnect with your partner, and have fun. See what kind of animal you would be drawn to and try to fully embody it with sounds and body movements. See how your animals play together!

These playful ideas will likely lift your mood and bring you and your partner closer. As you feel more comfortable and playful around each other, the inhibitions and judgements begin to dissolve, bringing more joy to your intimate interactions. Self-observing embarrassment starts to melt away giving space to a joyful connection.
Many of my relationship coaching clients happily report a shift in their relationship from criticism and focusing on each other’s flaws towards more intimacy, connection, and affection.