How to Talk to Your Partner About Sharing Household Responsibilities

Posted on July 09, 2022 by Kate Chartrand, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

If you are in a partner relationship and are struggling with burnout, please take the time to read this important guide.

I’ve been married to my husband for 22 years, so this guide is based on my own experiences as well as findings from scientific studies about conflict management. If you follow these 10 simple steps, you’ll have the best chance of success at getting your partner to share the responsibilities you have at home, so you can stop feeling so overwhelmed and start enjoying life!

Step 1: Think about/write down what’s bothering you about the household responsibilities.

-Try to name exactly how you’re feeling (overwhelmed, frustrated, resentful, etc.).
-What’s the current situation, and what triggered these feelings?
-What do you wish you could change about the situation? Do you wish your partner would take more ownership over a certain chore? Offer to take the kids out while you get some “me” time? What exactly do you wish could happen?

Step 2: Think about/write down what you love about your partner.

This will help prepare you to come into the conversation with your partner in a more positive frame of mind, don’t skip this step!
-What does your partner do for you and your family?
-What are your partner’s strengths?
-What made you fall in love with him/her/them?

Step 3: Imagine what your partner’s days are usually like.

Try to imagine how you think your partner’s workdays usually go.
-Are there a lot of pressing work deadlines or angry clients?
-What stressors are at work and at home?

Step 4: Choose a time to talk when both of you are calm and other family members aren’t around.

Make sure both of you are somewhat relaxed and not distracted by other demands.
-You can ask something like, “Honey, is it okay if we talk about something that’s been bothering me?”
-If your partner’s response isn’t positive, it might be best to say, “I can tell you’re not up to talking right now – can we talk about it tomorrow night?”

Step 5: Bring up the topic using an “I” statement and a request.

First, it’s super important to have these underlying beliefs:
-My partner and I are different people with different personalities, perspectives, wants, and needs.
-I need to respect my partner’s perspective, even if we disagree.
-I’m committed to my partner, even when we disagree.
-Conflict is normal and expected in a close relationship, and it’s not good or bad.

And here’s a statistic that you might hate, but it’s the truth– it’s estimated that 69% of all conflicts in a relationship are unresolvable. There are lots of conflicts that can be resolved, but just know that both of you might have to compromise, or agree to disagree, on making changes in how the household is run.

The first 3 minutes are key to having a successful conversation. Showing affection, like a back rub, while you’re talking can keep your conversation positive. Try to avoid any criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling (the silent treatment) – studies show these are 4 of the most harmful ways to handle conflict in a relationship.

You can start with a statement describing how you’ve been feeling and the situation (what you wrote about in Step 1, but hopefully without letting your emotions hijack the conversation):

“I’ve been feeling _____ (overwhelmed, frustrated) lately because _____ (describe the situation without attacking your partner – i.e., the kids keep wanting my attention when I’m making dinner, and it makes it so hard to get the cooking done)."

Then you can give a suggestion or request, to show how you wish the situation could be:

“It would be really helpful if you could take the kids outside for 30 minutes or play a game with them while I’m getting dinner ready.”

Step 6: Put your “Active Listener” hat on.

Let your partner share thoughts and feelings, without interrupting or getting defensive. Like in Step 3, try to see things from your partner’s point of view.
-Use supportive body signals, like reassuring eye contact or a head nod.
-Restate what your partner says, showing that you’re trying to understand.

Step 7: Brainstorm possible solutions.

Once you both share your perspectives and feel understood, brainstorm ideas together of how you can take care of the family and household as a team.

See if you can both agree on a solution to try. It might not be what you wanted, or it might just be a small step towards what you were hoping for, but be willing to see it as a step in the right direction towards more peace and balance.

If you can’t agree on a solution, you might need to table the discussion for another day, or use my Triple O system – Outsource it, Own it, or put it Out of your mind.

Step 9: Carry out your plan!

If you’re both on board with a solution, talk about how you’re going to carry it out.
Be willing to make changes and be flexible – healthy families are both structured AND flexible, so don’t see your new plan as set in stone.

Step 10: Give grace.

Give yourself grace, and your partner and other family members grace – everyone is trying their best, and nobody’s perfect!

Congratulate yourself for using these conflict management skills so you can be a happier, fulfilled person and have a flourishing family!

This is just a sample of what I teach in my 12-Week Beat Burnout & Thrive Program. My individualized program gives you the mindset, support, and tools you need to be empowered to take charge of stress, beat burnout, and love your life!

If you’re interested in learning more about working with me directly to help you flourish in your life and your family, then please feel free to book your complimentary discovery session.

I would love to learn more about what challenges you’re facing and what changes you’d love to make in your life so you can have peace, joy, balance, and fulfillment. I specialize in helping others like myself THRIVE!

References:
1. Stinnett, N., Stinnett, N., DeGenova, M. K., & Rice, F. P. (2017). Intimate relationships, marriages, and families (9th ed.). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
2. Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7–26. DOI: 10.1111/jftr.12182