Say What You Mean: Communicating Through Body Language by: Dutch Langley

Posted on June 27, 2022 by Dutch Langley, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

I’ve been asked many times if I thought a person’s body language is really all that important in determining what is going on with an individual. After all, isn’t it more important to pay attention to what a person says than to random bodily movements that he or she makes? Wouldn’t it be a more enlightened approach to really focus on the content of what a person is saying—it seems that would be wiser, more prudent, or at least more logical. My answer is always the same when I am asked this question. If I had to pick which form of communication is closer to the truth—a person’s words or a person’s body language—I would always pick body language first.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “What you are speaks so loudly, I can’t hear what you are saying.” Translated, this phrase speaks to the fact that your physiology, or your body language, communicates what is truly going on in your head, whereas your words are much easier to manipulate. [t is extremely difficult to control everything that is going on with your body while communicating, especially if your thoughts are negative in any way. If you were to consciously look at yourself when communicating, you would have to watch your gestures, every little facial expression, your breathing patterns, posture, eye movements, head tilts, twitching, and even changes in your skin color. You would be so busy concentrating on what your body was doing, you would probably have a hard time mumbling out your name or remembering what you do for a living.

Body language gives you great signals about the people you are talking with or getting to know. The messages you get represent the person’s unconscious mind, allowing you to know what that person is really thinking or feeling. Critically important is that if the words people say and their overall nonverbal signals are incongruent or not consistent with each other, you know that the nonverbal signals have a higher chance of representing their true feelings. Of course, when reading nonverbal signals you should consider the context of the situation and any prior relationship you have with that person. You will also get a clearer reading on people if you will look at body language movements in packages rather than separately. For example, I might go up to a man and notice that he has his arms crossed. Now, you have heard, I am sure, that this is a posture that means someone is defensive or closed. However, it could be that he is freezing his buns off and is trying to hold whatever warmth he has left in, or it could be that he is just comfortable in that position. At that point I would look at the other body signals he is exhibiting. If I see toe tapping, a slight frown, and more rapid breathing, then I know that the defensive or closed position is closer to the truth even if he mutters something like “l have been waiting all my life to get to know someone like you.”

Let me generalize for a moment and list some typical body language signals and what they might mean. These results come from hundreds of people asked to watch a person on videotape and give us their perception of what a signal means to them. Again, predictability of the true emotion is higher if several signals are combined.
• Open, relaxed hands, palms turned upward: desire to be open/sincere
• Unbuttoning coat, taking it off: willingness to cooperate
• Moves closer to you: trust level is increasing, ready to reach agreement
• Arms and legs tightly crossed: withdrawn, closed, defensive
• Looks at you and strokes chin while you are talking: interested
• Deliberately and slowly removes glasses, perhaps cleans lenses, or puts earpiece in mouth: pausing for thought and perhaps delaying answer to give him or herself time to consider the response
• Tugs at ear while another person is talking: wants to participate in the discussion
• Folds and unfolds eyeglasses: boredom with the discussion
• Hand goes to mouth and covers it partially while speaking: self-doubt, uncertainty, possibly shading the truth
• Strides purposefully and quickly into a room: in control and confident
• Pupils dilate noticeably during a discussion: find conversation interesting and very worthy of attention
• Clinches the bridge of nose and closes eyes: considering and evaluating what is being said
• Legs crossed and one is bouncing slightly up and down: bored or nervous
• Places arm behind back and seems to be gripping arm or wrist: holding back and self restraint
• Leans slightly back from the table in chair and puts hands together in a prayer-like gesture: high degree of self-confidence

In addition to noticing someone’s body language, it is useful to know how to use your own body language to enhance relationships and the communication process. As a first impression, you want to make sure you start with body language that is generally positive and confident. Then observe the other person’s body language. At that point you need to realize that trust, openness, and rapport will be minimal if your body language differs a lot from the person you are talking with. If you want to build more rapport, alter your body language at a subtle rate to more closely match his or hers. If during the conversation you think that a more positive tone is needed, gradually shift your body language to be more positive thereby influencing how the other person feels. We are very contagious: If we exhibit negative body language toward someone, they often will start exhibiting negative body language and negative emotions. If we habitually exhibit positive body language toward someone, they very often will start exhibiting similar positive signals. The term for this is called leading. All through the conversation, you continuously observe, match, and lead even though after a while you may not be conscious of it.

Body language is also important in changing and influencing your own emotions. I was teaching a presentation skills class and one of my clients was giving a spiel about his company and its related products and services. I noticed while he was giving this presentation that he wrinkled up his notes, jingled the 14 pounds of change and keys in his pockets, wiped sweat off his brow 11 times, and clicked the cap on and off the marker at least 73 times. After a few minutes, he stopped and said in a very exasperated voice, “Oh boy, I am really nervous!” At which point I looked up at him and dryly commented “I would be too if I did that!" My point to him was that the more he made gestures that were nervous in nature, the more nervous he felt. There is a significant mind body connection. In addition to changing a few things he was saying to himself, I asked him to “do” calm. What posture gestures, facial expressions, and breathing patterns would he be doing if he were calm? Could he picture himself doing calm? After a few minutes he relaxed his shoulders, slowed his breathing, smiled, and moved calmly about the room. Soon his body language started communicating with his brain, and he actually felt calmer. This does take practice, and in the beginning it feels like you are pretending. It is, after all, a new habit that needs to be programmed in—a “fake it until you make it” process. With practice you do not have to think about it, and it becomes part of who you are.

The words we say represent only 7% of the communication process. Tonality is 38%. The largest part of communication is our body language at a whopping 55%. It is true that it is not what you say but how you say it that determines what the other person perceives and therefore believes. It is also true that it is how you say it that determines what you perceive about yourself and therefore believe. This thought itself could be the most important lesson about body language.

What signals are you sending?