What does it mean to live authentically?

Posted on June 08, 2022 by Mandeep Mudhar, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

It seems like everywhere you look people are talking about “being authentic” and “real.” From TED talks, to think-pieces, to inspirational speakers expounding on their philosophies, to bloggers sharing the revelation of their personal journey, and challenges they encounter along the way. It seems everyone has something to say about authenticity.

In my coaching, I say that I want to help people live with authenticity. But, what do I mean by authenticity? How might someone know when they are being authentic? And what might it mean when someone isn’t?

This blog offers a little insight into my interpretation of authenticity; may it also help you to reflect on what it might mean within your own life.

I really like Brené Brown’s approach to authenticity as a daily practice of making courageous decisions to be imperfect, vulnerable, and both loving and accepting of our whole selves, showing up as who we really are. In her writings on authenticity Brown also warns us that it isn’t always a walk in the park. In fact, it can be exhausting, especially when you find yourself challenged by society and those around you.

I find, much as Brown suggests, that authenticity is knowing who you are, embracing all the parts that make you “you,” including the ones you don’t like, and allowing each of them to show up whenever needed. It means living your life according to your rules, expectations, and narrative, not those set by others. Often, this requires listening to that quiet voice within- your intuition, heart, soul, call it what you want. This voice comes from that place of stillness, grounding, love, self-protection, and from a deep place of knowing.

Easy, right? Hardly.

So many of us, find ourselves held back by society or culture, which tells us to be, do, feel, or appear a certain way. We must conform within very clear lines. Go against the grain and there will be consequences, be they minor or significant.

Perhaps such times are now passing, we see differences, individualism, and even activism on the rise (and rightly so!). Yet, for many, blazing our own trails is frowned upon. For many, the louder voices of family, friends, culture, and others in society drown out our quieter intuition. These voices, so loud and dominant, can permeate our being, and present as our own beliefs and expectations.

In my own journey to authenticity, there wasn’t a specific date I woke up and felt “yes, I know me, and from here on out, I will only be who I really am.” For me, it was more of a gradual journey over some years. At times gentle, at other moments, it felt pretty tumultuous. But what is clear to me was when this important phase began; at a point in my life when I stopped and looked at where I was, when I began to question the life choices that had got me there.

In my efforts to maintain privacy and feed my introversion, I realised that I’d kept so much of myself hidden even from those closest to me. My deep-rooted desire to help people had meant that I aimed myself at the “frontlines,” taking roles in the most extreme situations of where I was working. And when I looked at my life as a whole, I found I was being a version of myself that I thought people expected of me.

Sure, we all adjust to situations that we’re in, to fit in, or even, sometimes, to survive. But when almost every thought, action, or decision is driven by and for those around you, then something’s amiss. And that was the case for me. I’d built up a mask of privacy and protection that meant I didn’t really even know myself – because I’d never really stopped to listen.

So what did I do with my existential crisis? Well, I didn’t sit down, make a plan, and start executing with focus every day. You cannot know who you are and what you want until you realise that what you have or are doing isn’t what you really want. So, that’s where I started. I began focusing on what I wanted, and why I wanted it, noticing from where those desires were coming, and what was driving them. Up until that point, I had made some pretty significant career choices that had steered not only my professional choices, but the compass for my whole life for years. I had lost a balance, as well as what felt like a connection with my place of origin.

Showing the real you takes a heck of a lot of courage. You (and what you stand for) may well be judged, even challenged. Consciously practising authenticity comes with risks, but it also carries so many benefits. In being true to your core and your essence, you enrich your relationships, you make stronger connections, new, like-minded friends may replace old acquaintances lost along the way, and most importantly you build a renewed sense of confidence, assurance, and belief in yourself. Try to tell someone being authentic that what they are doing or saying is a load of hogwash and watch them stand firm and stand tall. That sense of connection and alignment with what you hold as true is like the roots of a tree, deep and unwavering.

Realising authenticity takes time. You have to do the work. For some, it’s a somewhat quick revelation, followed by minor adjustments here and there. For the rest of us (perhaps the majority), it may take some deep searching, and a consistent and deliberate effort to work within. I am in a completely different place now to where I was several years ago, and those close to me know it. I am more open about myself, because the people I love and respect deserve more of me. I share with greater freedom my intuition and learning without second-guessing myself or the situation, because I know others will benefit from it. I do more of what I love, and relish in the joy that comes as a result. And I laugh as often as I my heart desires.

I make a choice every day to realign my focus to that which brings me enrichment and joy. I surround myself with people who support and encourage me. Now, I notice when I’m not being me, and where possible, I protect myself by avoiding scenarios that force a falseness, or clip the energy of my reality. This doesn’t make everyone happy. But I learned a long time ago that other people’s happiness is not my responsibility. If I assumed that responsibility, then I’d be handing my life over to others.

My journey towards authenticity has enabled me to bring balance back to my life, to wake up and choose myself every day. In my coaching practice I invite my clients to start their own journey to (re)discovering themselves and finding their own authenticity. For some it may help to begin focusing on one area of your life, for example on a relationship, or in a job; once you have the insight and desire to take action around this, you’ll find it will inform other areas of your life. It did for me.

So, like Oscar Wilde said, “be yourself, everyone else is taken.”