Relationship=Communication
Posted on May 24, 2022 by HARVEY PACHT, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
We never just listen. We always listen through a filter. And you only hear what the filter is filtering for.
And never hear what is outside it.
Communication seems to be identified as the major failure when couples report they are in trouble. So let’s look more deeply into this.
If you have ever watched a cute you tube video called “ It’s not about the Nail” you can see a rather humorous demonstration of how a man and woman attempt to communicate about what should be obvious but in fact turns out to be not so obvious. In fact, most of what couples argue about or get stuck on is not about what they think it is about. That’s why it keeps going around in circles over and over again never really reaching resolution. There is a famous study published in a book called Silent Messages that determined the following: 7% of communication is words, 38% tone of voice and 55% body language. And yet when couples get deadlocked in the loop they are busy being “right” about what each one said. So how do you get out of this loop?
When we say one listens – you actually don’t simply listen. No one listens from a blank slate. Each of us always listens, or filters for something. For example notice that when you are in a conversation about politics you filter for “do I agree or disagree… do I trust this or not… do I think this is the truth or it is false”. What is needed is to alter what we listen or filter for. When we shift the filter to seeking the positive intent of the other, then instead of creating a distancing in the relationship, we create a movement towards each other. This is a skill and as such it can be learned by anyone. The end product of working this way is to take the same interactions that typically end up in creating distance, loneliness, frustration and resentment, and having the very same topic end up creating closeness and a feeling of being understood.
