A blurry line that defines verbal and emotional abuse

Posted on May 12, 2022 by Juliana Glory, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

The blurry line that defines verbal and emotional abuse
When Alex from the Netflix series the Maid (if you haven’t watched it, which world are you in??) goes to social service running away with her child in hand from her boyfriend, she knew that something was wrong. She knew something had to be done. But when the social worker asks if she was abused, she says NO! Reason? She doesn’t have scars on her, she doesn’t have a black-eye and the bowl Sean threw at her landed on the wall and not her head. So, Yes she was abused or No she wasn’t?
There is a very blurry line surrounding verbal and emotional abuse. It can’t really be defined accurately like physical abuse. This often leaves women in dilemma and denial (for years).
I write this not just as counselor and a coach but as someone who has been in this blurry definition for a long time. I write things I wish someone had told me before. The effects of emotional abuse are detrimental and long term but they usually go unnoticed for a long time. I use this famous series here to explain them as stories have the ability to reach where science fails.
Feeling of not worthy, not enough.
Nate, a handsome successful engineer tries desperately to express his interest in Alex. Being broke and homeless, she acknowledges Nates feelings for her. She even imagines him as a shirtless cowboy showing that she herself is fond of him. However, she is unable to pursue this because she feels unworthy of someone so perfect while she is damaged and broken.
Unable to voice opinions.
Women of abuse often lose their voice in the relationship. They are fearful of what could happen to them or their children if they speak out. Alex clearly portrays beautifully. Every time Sean starts yelling at her she retreats. This symptom easily turns into people pleasing behavior even after the abuse is gone. The fear instilled in them stays on. Unable to say no, these women end up in an exhausting cycle of endless giving.
Disassociation
In the scene where Alex goes back to Sean in the shock of her mother going berserk and asks him to make love to her, I was one of them who had my hands on my head and screamed an endless NOOOOOOOOO…….
We are all quite familiar with the term flight or freeze as brain’s stress response. What happened here with Alex that in the event of shock she did not attempt to flee of freeze? Well, she did freeze then she disassociated! Have you watched a deer dropping and acting dead when it realizes there is little chance for escape as the lion approaches? Simply put this is how our brain acts in times of threat or trauma. It literally acts dead! Disassociation is a way our brain protects us from enormous amount of pain. At this stage our heart rate goes down and body releases its own painkiller, opioid. We go into an almost trance-like condition where we watch every painful thing that happens to us without much reaction, like watching a movie (Perry, 2020). At this point, the pain of watching her mom’s craziness was too much that Alex, had no sense of herself. She doesn’t feel what was happening. If disassociation is a protection, it’s a good thing, right? Well, it depends.
When I had my son, I held him in my arms and I couldn’t feel much. I knew I loved him but I couldn’t feel it. I dismissed this to be exhaustion but what it was is that I was disassociated for years and my brain was blocking all emotions; the good and the bad.
Feeling stuck and Powerless.
We watch as Alex a young mom struggles to make it on her own after being in an abusive relationship for years. As in the series, Sean doesn’t allow Alex to work, making her fully dependent on him for resources for her and her child. It’s not that easy. When a woman is in a long-term abusive relationship, a woman often gives away all her powers. It’s part of the ‘deal’ to get love for the abuser. They often don’t have jobs, not many friends, and surround their entire life around the abuser and children. So, even if they decide to leave, they need enormous amount of support and courage to build everything from scratch and care for the child.
Symptoms of emotional abuse can manifest in various ways for different people. Its so strongly connected to shame that it usually is swept under the rug leaving women of abuse to bear the pain alone. The strongest message that this series brought to surface beside the abuse is that, women who fight against abuse are like warriors. As Alex prevails in changing her life (unlike her mother) she automatically changes how the world presents itself to her child, Maddy. These women warriors are given special superpower to change generations.