IMPROVE YOUR ONLINE DATING RESULTS

Posted on October 10, 2011 by Gayle Shisler, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

The #1 reason men and women come to me for dating coaching is they’re dissatisfied with the number or quality of people they’re meeting on Internet dating sites. They see few people they want to e-mail, have even fewer people e-mailing them, or aren’t impressed with the people they meet.

The most common complaint is that they write to prospects and get no reply. This is especially frustrating for women because they’re usually more hesitant to be the “pursuer” in dating. When they’ve finally gotten brave and overcome apprehension about bucking the societal norms they were taught about not being the “aggressor,” they have high hopes that this new strategy will get them more dates. And then their hopes are dashed.

By getting more savvy about how the online dating world differs from regular dating, they can regain hope. Here’s the key thing to understand: because the Internet gives daters so many choices and the chance to contact all these people with a few strokes in a less than 5 minutes on a computer, things happen fast…and potential dates can disappear just as quickly as they appeared.

A woman could be corresponding with six men on several different sites at the same time and quickly feel a rapport with one or two of them and find there’s no time to keep communicating with the other four. And, because cyberspace allows anonymity, she can let those four guys go without even a “Thanks for writing,” and no one will ever know how inconsiderate she’s been.

During 14 months of online dating on eight different sites, which led to about 50 first meetings (including my second husband, who I met at age 50), I learned many tips that work to improve online dating results. Here are the four that are most likely to change your online dating results for the better:

1. A winning profile—First and foremost, you must have a winning profile, with a flattering photo and attention-grabbing headline. The photo and headline make that very first impression and are often the only things others will notice, so it’s wise to put plenty of time and attention into these. Make sure the photo is a clear close-up and the headline is catchy and reflects your personality and/or sense of humor. It’s best to include both a head shot and a full-length shot, so people know exactly what you look like.

2. Think carefully about what to write—Next, write the section about you and your match in your own words “offline,” so you can take time and care with it… and revise it if necessary. Don’t post it online until you’re satisfied that it highlights what’s extra special about you and makes you a “great catch” while also capturing your sense of humor and unique characteristics and experiences. If it’s hard for you to write about yourself, start your description with “Those who know me well say I’m ______” or have an opposite-gender friend or a dating coach help you write it. Also, when describing your match, be specific but also compassionate (not expecting perfection in a mate) and conversational (so you sound friendly and approachable).

3. Make the first e-mail intriguing—Make sure your initial e-mail has these elements, to maximize the chances the person will write back:
• A “Wow!” or other expression to enthusiastically convey how impressed you are with the his or her profile. Tell the person what really grabbed or intrigued you about what he/she wrote.
• A sincere compliment about something the person said in his/her profile related to values, accomplishments or personality…not just about the photo or the hobbies you two share.
• A question about something in the profile, to get a conversation started and make it more likely the prospect will reply just to answer your question.
• A clear, direct statement of why you think you are a good match for this person…tell him or her how many of the traits he/she seeks are actually YOUR traits…and the many ways he/she is your cup of tea too!

4. Ask the right questions on the phone—Use the first phone call as a “screening” device by focusing on asking questions about things that are important to you, not just idle small talk. This call is a way to decide if you want to meet the person for coffee, so be sure to listen for “red flags.”

5. Finally, remember the 4 P’s of online dating success:
1)Positive Attitude – You must believe there’s someone out there for you. (With over 850 dating sites in the U.S., it’s easy to stay positive!)
2)Proactivity – Be the pursuer—write at least 10 e-mails a week on at least two sites (one mainstream site/one specialized site).
3)Persistence – Keep at it despite discouragement. Every “no” gets you closer to a “yes.”
4)Patience – It takes time to weed out the wheat from the chaff. Put feelers out on two or three sites so you have to wait less between replies.

There are so many different kinds of online dating sites, it’s likely there’s one with YOUR kind of people on it. These sites are an extremely convenient way to find people you’d never cross paths with otherwise. By knowing how to use this tool wisely and efficiently AND being patient, you’re sure to find some interesting dates and maybe even a life partner. I did it…and you can too!