HOW TO ATTRACT HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIPS IN MIDLIFE

Posted on October 10, 2011 by Gayle Shisler, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

When I was divorced in 1995 at age 41 and decided to start dating again, I wish I knew there was such a thing as a dating coach! After 16 years of marriage and only four significant relationships before meeting my husband, I was not too savvy about dating. And I was totally clueless about the new dating etiquette, who’d be a good partner for me at that stage of my life, places where a single mom could meet someone appropriate, and how to heal the “baggage” that prevented me from attracting a healthy man. I could’ve used some guidance from someone with experience in navigating the over-40 dating world…which is why, after I was emotionally and psychologically healed, attracted a healthy new relationship, and remarried at age 51, I decided to become a coach and help people find love!

More than just a matchmaker, a dating coach helps you find and navigate various avenues for meeting other single people, clarify your vision of a compatible partner, and locate resources for healing your past relationship “wounds” so you can “be who you want to attract.”

After 9 years of postdivorce dating, I can honestly say that the most valuable lesson I learned was this:
Before I could attract a healthy partner, I needed to get healthy myself. I had to identify, accept, and heal my emotional “baggage” and shed any negative feelings I had toward men. This meant releasing internal anger (byproduct of what transpired with my ex-husband) and also releasing my fear of being abandoned (the result of what happened with men in my family).

To release these detrimental emotions, I read many self-help books, did all the exercises in them, and attended a number of personal growth and emotional-release seminars, including Debbie Ford’s Shadow Workshop (www.debbieford.com) and The Woman Within weekend (www.womanwithin.org). The first helped me integrate the parts of myself I didn’t like and thus love myself more. The second helped me confront my demons and release anger. I highly recommend both, along with working with a therapist who specializes in women’s self-esteem issues. Many women lose both their identity and self-esteem after a relationship ends, and they must recover these to be emotionally healthy enough to attract and maintain a new, better relationship.

So, what does emotionally healthy mean? My research and experience tell me it means being conscious of your emotional issues, taking responsibility for those, and being willing and proactive about healing them, including destructive patterns that sabotage your relationships. It also means being committed to creating your own happiness and mature enough to understand that relationships can heal your emotional issues from the past.

Another sign of healthiness is accepting yourself as you are. This involves being totally honest with yourself, interdependent rather than dependent, skilled in expressing your personal boundaries, and able to resolve conflicts without blame or judgment.

And, finally, emotional and psychological healthiness means believing you are worthy of love. When you do, you won’t allow yourself to be controlled or victimized by anyone, especially men. In addition, you won’t be stuck in the past. You’ll let go of yesterday’s grievances, forgive, and live in the present to be healthy in your heart and mind.

Once you get healthy, you’re ready to go out and find dates. You can try online dating, speed dating, singles groups, regional singles events, and dating services. A dating coach has researched and/or personally experienced good examples of each of these and can recommend several dating options. An online dating coach helps you write effective online profiles; choose the most appropriate dating sites for finding your type of person; draft your initial e-mails to prospects; and rethink your choice of sites if you’re not getting the results you want. She also helps you stay upbeat, motivated, and confident if you get discouraged in your search.

To foster confidence, a dating coach helps you see yourself as “a great catch” and reminds you of that often. You’ll always have more success in attracting dates when you’re feeling good about yourself, so your coach makes sure you do. She reminds you of your assets and is your biggest cheerleader. She helps you plan and stick to the baby steps toward your goal of finding a partner. She wants you to succeed in that quest as much as you do! (I’m so happy in my new marriage that I want everyone else to be this happy too, and I LOVE helping people find what I have by avoiding the mistakes I made along the way.)

To summarize: getting healthy before you start dating is incredibly important. And a dating coach can help save you time, money and aggravation along the road to love. You’ll get the moral support you need to keep going as you navigate the ups and downs of the over-40 dating world.