Why 'no' is the most important word in the vocabulary of a people-pleaser

Posted on April 07, 2022 by Yvandi Bartmann, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

We all know someone who is a people-pleaser or are one ourselves. I myself am a recovering people-pleaser learning to ‘try-softer’. As a reminder, here are some of the tell-tale traits:

- Colleagues, family and friends don’t quite have a sense of their true essence
- Bends over backwards for others, and very rarely prioritizes their own goals, dreams and needs.
- Addicted to validation and approval from others.
- An intense need to be in control
- Avoids conflict at all costs
- Rarely voices their own opinions, especially when it differs from that of others
- Poor interpersonal boundaries
- Finds it extremely hard to say no

Interestingly, some people see nothing wrong with these behaviours, depending on how they’re framed. Let’s repeat the above list with a more positive spin.

- Often described by their families, colleagues and friends as ‘the nicest person’
- Goes out of their way to help others
- Being liked by others is important
- Likes staying on top of things and always planning everything for everyone
- Always trying to keep the peace
- Easy to get along with and usually agrees with everyone else
- Cares so much, you can call them day or night
- Always helping others and never says no

What’s not to like? The problem with this way of being is that it is not sincere. People-pleasers are living for others and not for themselves. They have an external locus of control¹. They are resentful, overcommitted, exhausted and out of touch with their true essence.

Why do we find it so uncomfortable to say no to someone in need? Because our whole being is incorrectly wired to only care about what others think of us. We live for the pats on the back. We begrudgingly help out because we know we will get praised and thanked and recognized. We are co-dependent, rather than independent. Enneagram² types 2 and 9 are common among us.

Let’s get down to the business of change. Why is it so important to start putting ourselves first? To name a few:

1. You only live once: You literally have one shot at this thing called life, and it’s up to you to make
it count.
2. Health matters: Chronically disregarding your own needs is going to manifest in your body in one way or another. Burn-out, depression, fatigue and insomnia are all possible physical manifestations of self-neglect.
3. It’s never too late: You might think ‘I’ve been this way all my life, it’s impossible to change’. You’re wrong. ‘The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step’ – Lao Tzu
4. You owe it to others: Your near and dear deserve to know the real you.
5. You owe it to yourself: Because you’re worth it
6. If you do nothing, nothing will change
7. You can’t care for others if you don’t care for yourself: Putting your own oxygen mask on first is a rule for a reason.

While researching this topic I came across this beautiful excerpt about living with integrity, in an article³ written by Christina Carter: …’white lies and false smiles quickly snowball into a life lived out of alignment. It is better to be yourself and risk having people not like you than to suffer the stress and tension that comes from pretending to be someone you’re not, or professing to like something that you don’t. I promise you: Pretending will rob you of joy.’

So where to start? Simple. Just. Say. No. Start small. A friend calls and asks if you can come and look after her kids for a few hours, while she goes to the gym. Practice saying no. ‘I’m so sorry Linda, but I won’t be able to help you out tonight’. You don’t have to lie, or create some elaborate story about your cat being sick and needing 24 hour monitoring. If this friend is used to you always saying yes, she may be taken aback. She may sound hurt. She may ask why. You can simply tell the truth in the moment ‘I have not been prioritizing my own needs lately and I really need a night to myself’, or ‘I’m taking myself out to dinner and a movie’, or ‘I just don’t have the energy today’.

Once you start building those healthy boundaries, the people that matter in your life will respect them and you. You will start getting to know yourself again or maybe for the first time. Not what others think about you, but the real you. You will be able to connect or reconnect with your goals, and needs and dreams. You’ll be able to visualize your ideal life, including the healthy balance between caring for others and yourself. You’ll start believing in your self-worth and how much more that is worth than what others think of you. You’ll have more time and energy to pursue the things you love. I could go on and on. But perhaps most importantly, you will be living life authentically. Staying true to who you are, and honoring the essence of you, while being fully present for your loved ones, if and when your capacity allows.

‘When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying no to yourself’ ~ Paulo Coelho

References:

1. Eatough, Erin. “Understand your locus of control and how it shapes and moves you” Web blog post. Betterup. 2 March 2022. Web. 7 April 2022

2. “The Nine Enneagram Type Descriptions” Web blog post. The Enneagram Institute. Web. 7 April 2022

3. Carter, Christine. “Why It Doesn’t Pay to be a People-Pleaser”. Web blog post. Greater Good Magazine. 9 August 2016. Web. 7 April 2022