The top 5 pitfalls women fall into and what to do instead
Posted on March 29, 2022 by Lois Lavrisa , One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
I'm Sorry. But. No Offense. Honestly, Just.
If you’re like me, when you were very young, you learned one of the golden rules- and that is to apologize when you were wrong, or if you hurt someone (physically or emotionally), or you did something wrong, or you offended someone.
And, if you’re like me, you’ve probably said “I’m sorry” hundreds if not thousands of times throughout your life.
This is not about not saying, “I’m sorry” when it is needed. This is about saying “I’m sorry” when it’s not needed.
What’s happened to many people, specifically women, we have a tendency to apologize even when an apology is not needed. It’s become a knee-jerk reaction for us.
Let me give me an example. I probably say I’m sorry at least half a dozen (if not more) times a day.
Let’s say I run to the grocery store, I walk by somebody to get a cart and I’m just in their presence and I say “Excuse me, I’m sorry” even though I’m not taking their cart, I’m not getting in their way, I haven’t bumped into them. I’m reflexively apologizing when I was not at fault for anything.
I’m saying “I’m sorry” when I go down a grocery aisle of a store and another shopper’s cart is in the way, they see me then move it, and I say “I am so sorry” like I’m sorry for being in their presence and having to use the same aisle as them.
I say “I’m sorry” in one form or another when I speak too.
Let’s say I’m having a conversation, and I know that I have facts and I can bring something to the table to the talk. I might start it off as “I’m not sure if you feel this way too, so I’m sorry if you don’t. But here is what I think…” Women often put a preface in front of what we say.
*“Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths.”–Lois Wyse *“Girls are taught to cross their legs, be thin, be quiet, and not to take up too much space from an early age. We’re taught to be the peacemakers and to smooth things over regardless of the personal cost.”Psychologist Rachel Green from The Emotional Intelligence Institute. “In England, women used to have a horrible metal implement locked on their head for speaking out in public or for arguing with their husbands, and then paraded through the villages.”
“It was called the Scold’s Bridle and was intended to humiliate women. Non-verbally, we have had this [attitude] passed down from one generation to another. Even now, we will get penalized for speaking out or speaking up, and get called bossy, aggressive, or a bitch, whereas a man would be called a leader.”
*“I discovered not to apologize before putting my two cents in.” Amy Schumer.According to Jenna Bratcher, the following are some ways we can stop automatically saying “I’m sorry” when it is unwarranted.
“I’m sorry” could be substituted with its less blame taking sister phrase, “Pardon me.” The result? A polite remark or request that replaces an unwarranted apology.
If you begin a conversation with, “I’m sorry to bother you,” try switching gears. Own your valuable input and confidently bring it to the table.
Along the same line, here are some other words, “But,” “No offense,” “Honestly,” and “Just” that we need to kick to the curb to help us own our own power.
Following an idea or opinion, “but” often negates or detracts from whatever came before it. “I would love to have pizza for dinner tonight, but I’m good with whatever you choose.” Why not say “I would love to have pizza tonight.” Express yourself proudly and with conviction, and cut the “but.”
No Offense" the disclaimer of all disclaimers. Concentrate on being constructive. If you know you’re being fair, respectful and truthful, there’s no need to add a pre-emptive buffer. And if you’re still tempted to use the term “no offense,” consider whether your statement might be better left unsaid.
When we begin a sentence with the words “honestly or to tell the truth,” it unintentionally implies that we weren’t being honest before. Be honest, but skip the “honestly.” Don’t devalue your integrity by beginning your sentences with a term that conveys mistrust.
Padding our vocabulary with the word “just” can dilute our objective. It often takes on the role of a filler word, making our point seem less impactful or suggesting we should feel bad for something. You aren’t just another member of your home or office. You’re worthy, respectable and valuable, so don’t sell yourself short.
Those are a few conversational pitfalls you can avoid, in order to feel more empowered and self-confident
Own your power and your space in this world-
Lois
