Why is self-compassion so important for parents?

Posted on March 15, 2022 by Luisa Gatto, One of Thousands of Family Coaches on Noomii.

Self-compassion has become a buzzword since the pandemic started, but what is it exactly? And why is it important for parents, especially now?

Self-compassion is commonly defined as being able to respond in the same supportive and understanding way we would with a good friend when we have a difficult time, fail, or notice something we don’t like about ourselves.

So even if it seems like a basic skill, it is not because most of us have internalized negative self-talk.

Let’s imagine that we talk with a girlfriend and she tells us that she feels a terrible mother because the night before she screamed at her child when she did not listen. And she also tells us that she has a very long and frustrating day at work and then a meeting with the PTA group before prepping for dinner. What would we most likely say? We will reassure her that she is not a terrible mother, that she was just tired and overwhelmed, and that everyone raises their voices with kids and so on.

Now imagine the same scenario with yourself as a mother in the situation just described. What would you tell yourself? Most likely you will say that you are a terrible mother. That is the negative self-talk. But what could we change in this scenario so that we are also using the same supportive, kind, and understanding words that we use with others?

The first step would be being able to stop when the negative talk starts in our minds and breath. This will allow us to have time to think instead of using automatic talk (that we know is negative).
The second step would be to remember that we are just human beings with all the good and the bad, like everyone else.
The last step would be to rephrase the negative talk as a positive one, as we are talking to a friend.

This will take practice and patience with ourselves, especially because the negative talk is so automatic that it seems true and “normal”. But when we take the time and the effort to do the work, we not only have a happier approach to life, but we will also model it for our children. In this way, they won’t need to do the hard work when they are grown-ups.