Words Matter!

Posted on February 03, 2022 by Catie J Craig, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Words Matter!

What you and I say to ourselves can and will determine the trajectory for our lives in the future. What we say, what you and I don’t say, these decisions can change the course of our lives, or someone else’s life forever.

This past year and a half, for me, have been a journey. Depression, Discouragement, Disappointments, Perceived failure; these negatives dominated my thoughts from sun up to sun down.

In my mind’s eye, I hadn’t failed; I was a failure.

Then, one day the phone rang. When I picked it up to answer, I didn’t know my life was about to head in a totally different direction.

A familiar voice asked, “How are you? I’m worried about you!…” This gal knew I was dealing with depression, she’d been there. She cared.

Someone once said, “People don’t care what you know until they know that you care.”

What my friend didn’t know was this. By actively demonstrating caring, she cracked the shell I’d built up around me. Her words penetrated the walls I was erecting that would forever keep hurtful, scary things at bay, or so I had thought. What I hadn’t realized was that those same walls also imprisoned me.

I woke up. I didn’t want to be there. I made a decision.

After 30 years of wanting to train to be a Life Coach, I decided to BE one. I signed up and began; I took a risk. I wanted to use where I’d been to understand others. I wanted to pass along the kindness that this other person had shown. Most of all, I was determined to find and pass on those tools that would lift me out of where I was to get me to where I wanted to be.

Then, as things go, when my online classes started, I had a setback, or what might have been, one, had I let it. An ambulance took me to the cottin’ pickin’ hospital!

My new class entered a crisis of choice.

Quit or proceed.

No middle ground.

It may have been disastrous and discouraging had my determination to beat my situation not been so strong! I decided to blur my background, and then cautioned the nurses that I was in a class. I DID NOT want to borrow upon one more excuse to not battle on, even if the instructors probably would have allowed for it.

Thank God for the gift of the internet and the computer screen that allows for the waist up viewing! I was able to appear pretty normal from the waist up. The only problem was my bruised left arm, adorned with two IV’s. I had to remember not to lift it to where it showed on the screen.

My right hand was visible; my left hidden.

This was very much like my life. I was either going to continue to hide, to remain in the shadows, hiding my worth, my value, my purpose in this world, or I was going to step out and “Be seen.”

I chose; I didn’t want to go back.

The second day of class was my first day in the ICU. Nurses hushed their bubbly chatter as they came and went. Finally, someone kindly placed a sign on my door. It read, “Patient in class, please be considerate.” I still don’t know who did that, but was so grateful.

I was well on my way to starting over.

“Beginning again” and “Starting Over” aren’t the same.

“Beginning again” means just that. With this decision, you and I begin with those same things that we were doing, we just purpose to do it different or better. On the other hand, “Starting over” infers making a brand new start, leaving the old in the past and embracing fresh and different, and making new discoveries along an entirely new and different path.

Both denote change.

So, what might indicate that it’s time to do one or the other? How do you and I know when it’s either it’s time to begin something over or to simply shed those troublesome, self-defeating things in our lives and start brand new?

It can begin questions such as these that follow:

1. Is life humdrum, dull? Nothing stirs or moves you. Nothing brings joy, nor does anything brings excitement. Passion is in the dust.
2. Wearing sweats around the house has become the norm. Hair stays in a tousled lump on top of your head, or if you’re a man, shaving? Forget it. Feeling sad and lethargic is the new normal.
3. Sitting in front of the TV eating ice cream or crunching on popcorn is an everyday experience. The pounds are mounting; you can’t see your feet.
4. Living with yesterday’s regrets dominates. The past greets you when your feet hit the floor thing in the morning and is the last thought before going to sleep that night.
This may sound like a list for identifying depression, and it may be that you need to visit a counselor. But if the above are accompanied by: 1. The itch to do something different – a general discontent with the status quo and 2. You’re thinking it’s time to take some new risks…Something else may be going on besides depression.

Are we ready to take some risks?

OK, so let’s start.

By simply deciding to “begin,” you and I move from “dead” to “alive” for one. Another reason is that the “what if’s” will evaporate because we are no longer lumps on the couch, we are in forward momentum. Most of all, you and I can know that if it doesn’t work out, life just better.

So – today is the first day of change.

We will begin with trying to figure out what is important to us today. This is what I call a “Values Clarification” in my classes.

Enlist Google’s help. Try to find a list of “values” online that includes those things which you hold near and dear. Place it in an Excel Spreadsheet in the first column. Then, in the 2nd column, assign a value according to importance of each value, from 1-5. Then, do a custom sort, using the 2nd column to sort by. NOW, you know what is important to you and who you are today.

What you and I value at the moment is not about just deciding what matters. Everything influences what we choose to embrace. Other’s opinions, our current state of health, our state of mind, our dreams, our priorities based upon the tyranny of the moment….

Values are fluid; they change.

This is the beginning of our self-awareness journey. Next, I’d like to ask you to do another exercise. Set the timer on your phone, watch, microwave or stove for one hour. If you’re a techy, open an excel spreadsheet; if you aren’t, then grab a pen or pencil and paper.

For the next hour, I’d like you to list every single thing that is on your plate. This includes everything – no exceptions. If it comes to mind write it down.
Include: bad habits, the closet that needs cleaning out, the parent, sibling, or friend that needs a visit or phone call, the car that needs an oil change, the trip you’ve been putting off, the book you’ve been meaning to read – everything. When the alarm goes off, if you aren’t done, reset it and keep going! This is your time to empty all those cobwebs that are stymieing your thinking, and cluttering up your brain.

At the end of this exercise, please follow the next steps. If you did it on an Excel spreadsheet, I’ll give you kudos. Follow the same process as the one you did for your values. If the old-fashioned way, then assign a priority for those items in another column.

Lastly, please proceed down that list and either blacken your spreadsheet items or scratch off on your written list, everything that you can’t do anything about. Remember the famous prayer of St. Frances of Assissi? It goes, “Dear God, grant the me the courage to change the things that I can, the serenity to know that which I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

1. Transfer the unscratched off list to a new one.
2. Create another column and place an x by the the blackened items and a “y” by those that are left.
3. Do another sort, using this column to sort by, and then cut and paste your “y” list to another spreadsheet.

This is the beginning of moving forward. These two lists will tell us:

#1. Where you and I are today in our priorities
and
#2. Define the content of life – as it is today.

Next, I’d like you to find a game, any game, online or at the store. This game must have different characters to choose from.

Then I would like you to choose 3 from the mix.

One will be the old you, who you were yesterday, one will be who you are today, and then the 3rd character will be who you want to be.

Trust me. This is huge.

By seeing who we were yesterday compared to who we are today, it brings hope for change. It also provides a measuring stick moving from the past into the future, for what we don’t want to repeat and mistakes we’ve learned.

The exercise gives an overview, and is impersonal, less “close to home” and more objective. The details are transferred to another object so we are less self-critical, and more open to new perspectives. In the end, the goal is to create new habits and new ways of thinking.

Reality isn’t necessarily about facts; it’s about how we perceive ourselves, our lives, and those people, circumstances, and events. It is about perception. Sometimes, standing in the forest (of our own existence), all we can see is the trees.

Another important component is to get a buy in from those closest to you, who want to see you succeed. I’m not talking about the naysayers. Carefully think about who is in your sphere that will give you honest input about questions that come up during this inventory and reinvention of yourself.

Give yourself permission to change; accept that who you are now is fine. We are a culmination of all our yesterdays. At this juncture, we aren’t beginning again, nor are we starting over.

We are doing both.

You and I will be taking the best parts of who we were, and who we are, to move forward to become the best, most wanted us, in the future. Our mistakes, our suffering, our past shaped who we are today. None of that is worth leaving in the dust, every experience, every person we’ve known, every crisis, struggle, or tragedy – every choice- these are in every fiber of our being down to our core.

What’s next?

Stay tuned for the next article!