Creating Healthy Boundaries
Posted on January 21, 2022 by Angelena Cordonier, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Boundaries are a form of self-care and are not selfish! What are you waiting for? Give yourself the love and care you deserve!
Lets talk about boundaries!
“What do boundaries mean to you?”
A boundary to me is an imaginary line that separates comfort, safety, respect, and self-care from lack of self-care and unhealthy relationships.
Boundaries help a person stay balanced in all aspects of life and mental/emotional health.
They are a safeguard to overextending ourselves.
They are a self-care practice.
They define relationship roles.
They are a way of communication.
And… they create clarity.
“How do I know if I need stronger boundaries?”
1. Neglecting self care (Too busy saying yes to everyone and everything else there is little time for “YOU”)
2. You are overwhelmed (Allowing the need for perfection and not allowing space and time to breathe and to remember you are human)
3. Resentment (Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter when you don’t set limits)
4. Avoidance (disappearing, ignoring, or cutting people off. Not dealing with whatever the problem may be or telling it straight.)
I am going to skip what unhealthy boundaries look like and move onto the next question
“What do healthy boundaries look like?”
Creating healthy boundaries is most possible when your past isn’t allowed into current interactions.
Healthy boundaries can involve…
1. Being clear about your values
2. Listening to your own opinion
3. Sharing with others appropriately
4. Having a healthy amount of vulnerability with people who have earned your trust
5. Being comfortable saying “no” and hearing “no”.
Boundaries have two parts. Communicating the boundary and then action based on the response.
If you just communicate your boundary, the boundary might not stay forever or may be forgotten or misunderstood. “Action” means setting the boundary regardless of the other persons reaction even if it is difficult for yourself. Doing what you have to do to make sure that boundary is set.
“What if the person on the receiving end doesn’t like the boundary(ies) I have set”
I am going to use a simple example to show you what some of the responses to boundaries others may have and how to deal with them.
E.G. Your friend wants you to watch her kids because she wants to go see a movie with her husband but she asked you a few hours before the movie starts.
Your response/ healthy boundary setting: “I won’t be able to watch your kids tonight, I need a day or two heads up prior to. I hope you can find someone to help you”.
Your friend may respond with acceptance but some of the other ways a person may respond may include…
Pushback
Maybe you have helped them in the past last minute or whatever the cause for their pushback; people can be resistant to changes. But if a person respects you they will respect your boundaries, even if they must be restated.
A push back response could look like
“This isn’t fair”
“You always help me last minute, and all of a sudden you’re not going to; doesn’t make any sense”
How to handle this?
Acknowledge their concern and restate your boundary.
“I hear what you’re saying and I understand that I have helped you in the past but I cannot watch your kids tonight, you will have to ask me a day or two in advance in the future”
Limit testing
This type of response is common among children but adults also can respond like this…
A response might sound like..
“What if I pay you $50 to watch them tonight”
“Can you watch them for at least an hour”?
Limit testing is a way to see if you will budge on your boundaries at all.
A way to handle this is to let them know what they are doing and to let them know how you feel about them testing your boundaries
“I said I couldn’t watch your kids tonight and you are testing my boundaries. When you don’t listen to my boundaries it makes me feel disrespected.”
Ignoring
This is when the boundary is ignored. Your friend maybe responded with “yeah no problem” But the following week asks you again last minute to watch her children.
They do what they please despite the boundary or act as if the boundary was misunderstood.
You can handle this by restating your boundary and expressing it for future situations as well.
“Last week I told you that I needed a day or two heads up before I schedule to watch your kids. I am happy to help with an advanced notice and I need you to respect this for the future”.
Rationalizing and questioning
Maybe your friend questions your boundary
And in this scenario by saying…
“I would watch you kids last minute for you, why wouldn’t you do it for me”
These don’t have to be answered and it is important to stick to your boundary. People benefit from you barging on your boundaries, but you will not benefit. No excuses.. This is for you!
People may question why things are changing now, if maybe in the past you helped. But you have to remember that the past must be left behind and the arrangement or idea may just no longer work for you.
“I understand you would help me last minute, and I appreciate that! But this is what I need and I need you to respect what I am asking”
Defensiveness
This may happen when people feel attacked. Being very clear and concise can help resolve this problem but people will respond how they respond no matter what and you do not have control over that.
Defensive people do not listen and may take your boundary to heart or too deep.
Your friend in this scenario might respond “Wow, if you don’t want to help, then fine”.
They may turn it around and make request of you!
They may accuse you of attacking them
They may bring up the past
It can be difficult to talk to people who are being defensive.
Some of these tips can be helpful…
• Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements
• Discuss one issue at a time
• Use feeling words.
And not all conversations have to be held in person. It is not wrong or bad to talk via email or text or over the phone.
Ghosting
This is pretty self explanatory
This person may reply to your boundary by just not replying. No texts, no calls, no nothing.
Sending a text message or phone call, letting them know that you see they are ghosting you may get their attention.
If you do not receive a response there is nothing you can do about the situation and remember their reaction is about their interpretation of the boundary and not you.
Boundaries are an important part of our everyday life and relationships! They can be very difficult to put in place, but they will make your relationships stronger and healthier. Remember that boundaries are a self-care technique not selfishness.
