Change your thinking about infidelity and begin to feel better.

Posted on January 20, 2022 by Richard Elliot, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

What makes the pain of being cheated on so intense, excruciating and 24/7? Take a moment to mentally stand back and you will discover that your pain is connected to catastrophic thinking. The pain is triggered by your mind, which in its infidelity trauma, keeps replaying negative thoughts (and frequently associated images.) These negative and awful thoughts come from what you have absorbed and been taught about infidelity. Unfortunately, you’ve been taught myths, half-truths and downright lies about infidelity.

Infidelity is NOT about “Loving someone else”
“She fell out of love with you and in love with him” This is a common myth often expounded by those watching from the outside of your situation, from those with simplistic answers and advice. Believe me; there is nothing simple about infidelity. Infidelity is NOT about “falling out of love” with spouse and “in love” with another person. Infidelity is NOT about a relationship gone bad.

People are different
People are very different – with unique ways of looking at self, others, and life in general. People bring different backgrounds, different values, different experiences that traumatized or formed their viewpoints of relationships. People understand love, fidelity, and intimacy differently. People have different ways of coping, adjusting, and moving on (or not moving on) with life. Why would you think, then, that “one size of cheating fits all”? It doesn’t. The cheating of one may differ radically from the cheating of another, dependent on the patterns, experiences, and themes in life. I’ve identified 7 common types of affairs that speak directly to the fact that people bring different agendas, wants, needs and perspectives to a marriage.

People change
People change all the time. The fact that they cheated yesterday does not necessarily mean they will cheat tomorrow. Yes, there are patterns and themes in life that seem consistent, but once addressed, freedom may emerge, and a new life or radically different life is possible. Acknowledging change is not always easy. Change may mean venturing into places where one does not want to tread. Sometimes change is the only option. A favourite saying of mine: “Gold is refined through intense heat.”

Cheaters, for the most part, aren’t pleased with themselves
I’ve talked to many cheaters, and, almost to a person they acknowledge that their cheating was not a wise decision. A part of a cheater knows that cheating is not the answer. Many know and declare, even in the hot moments of an affair, that the affair relationship is only temporary. Some, hopefully most, choose to learn from what happened; choose to examine their need system, face the past trauma that seems to grab them or choose to express the part that deeply desires a love that is bound with integrity, depth, and an everlasting commitment to the welfare of self and other.

Her past colours her cheating
Her cheating behaviour may be influenced by past trauma or may emerge from life-long patterns. These origins powerfully dictate the type of affair, length of affair and potential for resolution. A person may have to cope with childhood sexual trauma in the form of sexual/physical abuse or an environment marked by sexual confusion. Often the child compartmentalizes that chunk of their history, mentally and emotionally stashing it in the recesses of their mind. However, in adulthood particular triggers or stages of adult development may trigger that forgotten memory and all hell may break loose. Or a child develops a predictable way of coping with emotional upset and personal pain which is carried forward into adulthood. To cope the adult may avoid, submit, attack, placate, waffle, be passive, be aggressive or be seductive to name a few. A certain type of cheating reflects a specific way of coping. And these factors can also determine whether a person is likely to be a serial cheater or one-time cheater. I have heard this summarised as “her decision to cheat was made before you even met”

Specific life stages and events lend themselves to affairs.
The birth of the first child, the oldest child reaching early adolescence (frequently triggers the psychosexual development of the parent of the same sex,) mid-life (early 40s – 50s usually) and “retirement” are prime time for affairs. Most of these affairs are once in a lifetime, although if matched with coping patterns may become more serial in nature.

Responsibility for cheating resides with the cheater
Cheating is an act of temporary insanity. Cheating is a coward’s way of addressing their hostility and fear. Cheating is a personal signature of one’s emptiness, lack of personal integrity. Cheating is about a personal need system that takes control of the cheater’s brain, hormones, and behaviours. Cheating is detested by the wounded spouse, and please understand and hear this, cheating is despised by the cheater. If there is an ounce of care and concern in the cheater, the cheater knows at a deep level, this behaviour will not ultimately fill the void or give the result they truly desire. Once a cheater embraces the cheating, the cheating ceases and is replaced with a love for self and others that has no need to wander or wonder