Defining Moments of Resilience: Embrace The Struggle

Posted on January 18, 2022 by Mallika Stubbs, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.

CATALYST: The Voice
1. Defining Moments of Resilience: Embrace The Struggle
- January 02, 2022
“TO LIVE, IS TO SUFFER. TO SURVIVE, WELL, THAT’S TO FIND MEANING IN THE SUFFERING.”
– DMX (AND NIETZSCHE)

Embrace the Struggle
Resilience is the ability to move forward by growing through every part of life’s process. As you probably already know, struggling is a natural part of living but what matters most is how we react to the struggle. To strengthen resilience, it is essential to understand the concept in depth.

The Source: Let me set the record straight before we move on. I entered into my life’s induction phase, believing I would not make it. This was no induction program to a four-year institution, college, or university. This induction was not into a mentoring program for some sororities. My induction year as an educator had passed many moons ago. There were no prerequisites or mentor-mentee relationships to prepare me for what lay ahead. This induction was the precursor to one of the scariest chapters of my life. This was an introduction to and how I got to know chemotherapy personally. A toxin had to be pumped into my veins seven days straight, twice a day, CONTINUOUSLY! I was hooked, and there was no time to detox. If I were a junkie, I would’ve O.D on the dosage alone. The IV pole never left my side. For the next thirty days, I went everywhere with it, the restroom, the waiting room, the outdoor balcony (where visitors would shamelessly sneak in a couple of drags off a cigarette before quickly returning to the bedside of a loved one in the Cancer Center). I would return to my room because, in those days, that was the only place I was allowed to go.

It wasn’t until day ten that I began to feel differently because honestly, before that, I still felt like myself. I remember one of my favorite co-workers coming up to see me. “You still looking good.” Tim wasn’t the type to hold anything back, and I loved him for this. He was currently on administrative leave in support of our director, who showed an episode of the Boondocks during a staff training to show our staff how systemic racial inequities and inherent biases white people have are problematic in education. So he shared the first five minutes of Season 1 Episode 1: The Garden Party. Before the flicker of the fluorescent lights could end, Tim stood up and wanted to know what the other whites in the room were going to do about their deep-rooted privilege as if he wasn’t one of them.

He was an ally, which showed that day in the visitor lounge. He stood to hug me and looked me over from head to toe before saying, “my mother was the same way. She looked the same after the chemo.” During a conversation with Tim’s wife, I found out that she lost her battle nine months after her diagnosis and that my “work husband” was taking it hard. In those first thirty days, most of my appearance remained the same. I lost a few pounds, and my hair was beginning to thin but nothing too drastic. There were times that I was a little tired and cranky but that had more to do with living on a BMT Unit and not cancer. Being locked up and quarantined will do something to a person’s psyche.

The Spark: I met Mallika Stubbs in August 1996 at Miami University. She quickly became one of my very best friends. I’m not sure what she saw in an unfortunately unfashionable-sheltered-suburban girl from Fairfield, Ohio, but I’m eternally grateful for her impact on my life. Mallika is the epitome of strength, resiliency, dedication, loyalty, and love. She was a great friend to me. We laughed, we argued, we cried, we kicked it HARD. She never held back her opinion—always kept it real—a rarity in a world overrun by the disingenuine.

Mallika is the originator of SWAG. She was always impeccably styled, even on a college-student budget. She rescued me from fashion confusion and took me into the glorious, perfectly accessorized light—I can’t thank her enough for that. Mallika is a life-long learner, teacher, and activist. She had an insatiable appetite for learning and education and an uncontainable desire to share her insights with others and was voracious in her advocacy for the least of these. She sprinted gracefully through any limits others may have placed on her.

Mallika’s spirit has not been broken by circumstance—her light shines even in the face of soul-crushing adversity. And that tenacity coupled with her God-given gifts has equipped her for victory in this battle against leukemia. I was momentarily filled with sadness and regret when I learned of your diagnosis. I was remorseful that I allowed time and circumstance to keep me away from my old friend. Sad that life was testing you so harshly. But as I thought about the Mallika that I know, the person I learned so much from, that sadness quickly faded—there is no one better prepared to turn this test into a testimony.

I pray for your strength and healing daily.
~K. Alexander

“And he said to her, ’Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace. You are free from your suffering.” Mark 5:34 (NIV)

The Strategy: It’s easy to let difficulty keep us down. I could’ve given up at so many points during my induction phase. Shit, to be honest, I wanted to give up on several occasions. It is NOT easy to stay above water when the waters of life are raging against you. I have learned that it’s okay to feel that struggle. To embrace the struggle, the only way to prepare for your purpose is to go through the struggle. Resilience is also often associated with toughness. I believe that being tough and resilient means admitting to difficulty and working through it instead of ignoring it.

As I’ve pursued my purpose and continued my journey, I’ve learned and unlearned what mental fortitude looks like as it constantly changes as we face new challenges. To understand resilience, I’ve put together a few skills that I use to help navigate life and explore what resilience looks like in action. It can appear challenging to implement new habits, especially when they involve making significant life changes. It’s easy to beat yourself up when learning something new because you cannot grasp the concept immediately. Every encounter is an opportunity to learn something new. Reading this blog is an excellent opportunity to learn something to improve your self-worth and enthusiasm for life.

Let go of self-judgment and try something new. If it doesn’t work out the first time, see what might work for you in the future and go from there.
Go easy on yourself when you’re seeing what works for you.
Keep a journal to help you get your thoughts out. It can be overwhelming to have so many ideas swirling around in your head like a whirlpool.
Set a timer for 10 minutes and write whatever comes to you; write it down even if it doesn’t make sense. Writing it out can help ease those unwelcome feelings.
Have people around you who know the changes you’re trying to remind you of your goals.
A positive mindset has a direct effect on your confidence and self-awareness. Improving your self-awareness can have a monumental impact on your progress. If you can look back and be proud of your accomplishments, big or small, perfect or imperfect, you’ll gain confidence and continue to grow. Facing difficult things head-on is a part of resilience.

Long before I knew or heard the word resilient used to describe my actions, I tapped into my reliance reservoir, putting the above habits into practice. I grew up in poverty during the 80s on the east side of Cleveland during The Crack Epidemic. While most of us commonly associate the crack era with California and Boyz n the Hood or New York and the infamous movie New Jack City. Life for me in Cleveland was not a far cry from the most heinous scene you can think of in either of those movies. As the quote by Tony Gaskins goes, “embrace the struggle and let it make you stronger. It won’t last forever.”

Remember being resilient during the darkest times prepares you for the journey ahead as you become more aligned to your purpose. Explore the strategies above and let me know how it went in the comments below. I hope that you will continue to join me monthly for these chats, and maybe one day, we can all "dream of never being called resilient again.

Theme images by Michael Elkan

CATALYST COACH l MALLIKA STUBBS
Committed to the empowerment of helping others live their best lives through coaching, consulting, and solution-based approaches. Mallika Stubbs has spent more than 20 years working with PreK-12 and adult learners in Ohio, Missouri, Kentucky, North and South Carolina. She has served in many capacities such as classroom teacher, facilitator, change agent, implementation coach, consultant, and education specialist. Mallika works to build your capacity to increase productivity and effectiveness through motivation techniques that are aligned to core beliefs. Services include problem-solving techniques, differentiated strategies while using a solution-based approach to identify the most efficient means to generate consistent and optimum results. Mallika graduated with a master’s degree in educational administration from Cleveland State University and is currently working on her doctorate at South Carolina State University.