Don't Fix Me!
Posted on September 24, 2011 by Bernadette Gambino, One of Thousands of Performance Coaches on Noomii.
Stop trying to fix others and focus on changing your reactions and perceptions.
I receive (and see on this site) many requests from potential clients to coach people other than themselves. I always politely decline. While we may perceive behavior in others that we wish to fix, or wish to persuade them to fix, the fact is that we can’t change anyone but ourselves. In my experience and observation, attempts to change people only make them defensive, or worse defiant, digging their heels in and intensifying the behavior.
This doesn’t mean though that we’re stuck; we can change our reactions, or better yet be proactive rather than reactive. We can alter our perception of the behavior and simply see it for what it is, without attaching additional meanings or agendas. In situations with family members, we can also model better behavior and/or change our focus from negative to positive. This is most difficult with those who mean the most to us. We are invested in their lives, we want them to be happy, we want them to love us. If you have children, reflect for a moment on a time when you were worried about your child who had stayed out past curfew. Think about all the horrible thoughts that went through your mind about what may have happened. There was a single reality: Your child wasn’t home on time. All the rest was a creation, a horrible fantasy. What you most wanted was for your child to be safe and home. Now think about your reaction when your child got home. Did you express the love and concern you felt for your child, or did you launch into an angry tirade? For most people, the answer is the latter. You reacted to the illusions you had created in your mind, rather than acting on your true feelings. This isn’t to say such behavior should go unnoticed or not be discussed, but doesn’t it make more sense to act in a way that communicates to your child the real love you feel instead of reacting to your own dreamt-up scenarios? I’m sure you can recall similar situations with friends or family members.
The key here is to use our amazing capacity for communication to connect to each other in ways that show both our pleasure and displeasure, and to separate the action from the person. If your significant other disappoints you in some way, there is a big difference between saying, “You’re a terrible person and I hate you!” and “I’m disappointed that you didn’t remember.” Keep in mind that we all have different perspectives on every situation, and no matter how well we know someone, we cannot know that person’s thoughts. It’s fine, even desirable, to tell others how you feel. But don’t presume to know how they feel. And don’t assume they need help because their behavior doesn’t match your expectations.
