Whose Idea of Happiness is Driving Your Life?
Posted on November 29, 2021 by Yashi Srivastava, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Many of us believe that "success" leads to happiness. But what if that's not true? What if there's more to happiness than just being successful?
Have you ever felt that even though you have everything you need to live a happy, fulfilling life, you are still not happy? While others find your life inspiring and enviable, you find yourself dissatisfied? Maybe, at times, you wonder: what is wrong with me? I have everything! Why can’t I just be happy?
One reason you may feel this way could be that you are living your life based on someone else’s idea of what makes us happy.
What I Once Thought Will Make me Happy
For example, here are some messages that permeated my life while growing up in a small town in India in the 1990s:
“Science is where good careers exist. Don’t switch to Arts and Humanities!”
“Work hard in school and in your career. That’s the key to having a good life.”
“Look at him! He has found a pretty good (read: well-paying) job! He is going to live such a wonderful life!”
Convinced about the significance of success in living a good life, I dutifully went about pursuing academic and professional goals. When I finally landed a “pretty good” job right out of business school, I was elated. My effort had paid off, and I was confident that an amazing life lay ahead of me. It was particularly shocking to me when just a few years down the line, I found myself miserable in various domains of life: I was heartbroken, burnt out, and in the worst physical health of my life. This was a far cry from how I had imagined a good life would feel.
I was angry and confused, and couldn’t stop wondering: Where had I gone wrong? After having done everything I was supposed to do, how could my life be in this state? How could I be so miserable despite having all the money and success I had thought would bring me happiness?
It took me a while before I realized where I had gone wrong: I had bought into an incomplete idea of what constitutes a well lived life. What I really wanted in life was peace and happiness, but I had assumed that material success was what would get me there. I was wrong. Success may be an important element of well-being, but it does not guarantee happiness.
You may be wondering – what does?
What I Learned: No Standard Formula for Happiness
According to Martin Seligman, one of the founders of the field of positive psychology (or the science of happiness,) the constituents of well-being go by the acronym PERMA (Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment.) However, even in the field of positive psychology, there isn’t complete agreement on what makes us happy. Seligman’s PERMA model offers one perspective. Another model of well-being was proposed by researcher Carol Ryff, who identifies six elements of psychological well-being: self-acceptance, positive relations with others, autonomy, environmental mastery, purpose in life, and personal growth.
The point is, there is no one-size fits all approach to happiness. While these models are based on extensive research about happiness and offer useful starting points, at the end of the day, you get to decide whether or not you are happy and what makes it so. Therefore, if you are unhappy because the formula of “success → happiness” isn’t yielding the results you had expected, I encourage you to come up with a different formula – one that is based on what you truly value and want in life.
Over to You: What’s Your Definition of Happiness?
If you don’t know where to begin, here are a few questions to get you started:
1. What do you really want in life? For example, in his book Conscious Business, Fred Kofman argues that ultimately, we all want one or more of six universal virtues: truth, happiness, fullness, freedom, peace, and love. He believes that everything else you are pursuing in life is likely a means to this ultimate end. Which of these values most deeply resonates with you? What are some other values that stand out as being important in your life?
2. What are some assumptions you have about how to get what you want in life? For example, if you want peace, what do you think needs to happen for you to be at peace?
3. What makes these assumptions true? Are they based on a deep understanding of your values, aspirations, and experiences? Or did you come to believe in this path because that’s what you were told will get you wherever you want to be.
The topic of happiness is complex and being happy requires hard work. My hope is that the process of reflecting on these questions will move you closer to living life as per your own definition of happiness.
