The Marriage Plan

Posted on November 17, 2021 by Lucia Furtado, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Planning a wedding big or small, is a huge undertaking. It is long, there is a lot of sacrifice and a tremendous amount of stress. The expectation to marry is definitely present in our society but no one is taking the time to really teach us how to actually “do” marriage, so before you plan your wedding, I would highly suggest taking some time, just the two of you, to plan your marriage. This will help you both remember the real reason as to why you are doing all of this in the first place and it definitely increases the likelihood of having a marriage that is long lasting, successful and fulfilling for both you and your partner.

It is important to take the time to sit together and share each of your personal vision for your marriage. What do you and your partner have as goals as individuals and as a couple? It is important to discuss your dreams, achievements for yourself and your partner, goals for your personal development, self-improvement, deal breakers, kids, extended family, religion and most importantly, your business partnership and money. Most people get lost in the excitement of planning the wedding that they forget to plan out the marriage. I say you can do both, but forgoing on planning the marriage is definitely a poor decision on your part to begin your marriage in that manner! It is necessary to talk about the life you want to create together before you set the date because if you overlook this step and you are not prepared to marry, the more likely you will get divorced. According to Dr Phil McGraw “If you’ve gone into a marriage and you haven’t been clear about how you’re going to handle money, how you want to raise kids, who is going to work or stay home or what have you, then you’ve set yourself up for failure”.
Therefore, there are unquestionably countless issues that need to be discussed prior to marriage. Oddly enough, one topic that sometimes seems to be over looked a lot in these conversations, is the business partnership component of a marriage. Partnering up with another person is a big deal. At the root of every successful marriage is a strong partnership so for that reason it is very important to talk through the business side of a marriage. Usually when two people decide to partner up for a business project there is surely many conversations that will occur prior to any commitments being made. All the details will be clearly laid out in which the specifics of the deal are outlined before signing a contract. So why would we sign a marriage contract with little to no communication about the details of a lifelong merge?

Hence, I would like to share with you a couple of important questions that you should ask yourself and discuss with your future partner before saying I do:
• Should we have joint bank accounts or separate ones? Whether you decide separate, joint or both, in the end you both have a financial obligation to one another. Thus, it is crucial to be on the same page when it comes to finances. In order for this to happen you need to both be willing to sit down regularly and keep track of where your money is going, making decisions together is a must, be transparent, honest and always honor your word when it comes to marriage and money. If this does not happen, over time there could be a lot of resentment built up and the blaming game may develop over money.

• Who should be in charge of the finances? In marriage sometimes one partner is the one who pays the bills and keeps track of the family budget but both of you should still have your weekly or biweekly meetings in order that both of you are updated with the current situation. If you both know what you finances looks like, you can make better decisions together and there is no opportunity for one partner to feel left out or suspicious as to where the money may be going especially when the family budget never accommodates anything on their personal wish list.

• How to share responsibility in terms of chores, kids, groceries…who does what around the house? At first when you are only two, it may go a little bit smoother because both of you are adults and can participate in what needs done around the house but as soon as kids come around, the whole dynamics of the household and responsibilities increases so you need a lot of great communication, cooperation and collaboration so that the raising kids phase goes as smooth as possible. This time period is truly the most rewarding and challenging part in a marriage but a lot can go wrong and a lot of marriages end after this phase has run its course.

• What are your aspirations, desires and goals in terms of annual income, career or buying a house? What are your partners? You and your partner should be on the same page with regards to these topics. As long as you are in agreement with one another regarding these matters, your partnership will feel more like you are a team and each of you will appreciate that your partner is attentive and dedicated to helping you do what is in your best interest as an individual as well. Likewise, you will be able to support each other better If you know and understand each other’s dreams and visions for career goals, self-development and self-knowledge. This is sometimes overlooked in a marriage, especially in a marriage that is set up with an old school mindset that sometimes no longer works for marriages today. In additions, buying a house is a huge responsibility in terms of investments, financial obligations and there is a lot of your personal time that goes into the maintenance and upkeep of a house in comparison to living in a condo or an apartment. Therefore, you both must be in agreement when it comes to these choices.

• Do we want kids and if so, how many? Having children really effects your budget and it is definitely a financial obligation that parents have when they decide to have children. Is one parent staying home for a period of time, will they attend daycare. There is a lot to be discussed.

• What are the relationships aspirations and goals? How to plan on growing with your partner. It requires love, commitment, a lot of empathy and an incredible amount of clear communication to have a long-lasting happy marriage. When you set about going into a marriage with another individual, the better prepared you are the happier your experience will be. You will start off your journey together from a place where you understand, love and respect one another if you truly take the time to really get to know each other well. If each of you work on your own self-awareness and put the time and effort into knowing your partner as well, then the marriage will be a much happier and fulfilling one for the both of you. The work you put into understanding your partner’s needs and the more willing you are to discover how your partner evolves over the years, the more gratified you will be with your relationship. Make time to discuss your relationship regularly, it should be an ongoing process throughout the duration of your time together because people change and grow all the time. This type of relationship inspires you to be a better person, makes you feel good, and helps you move forward in life.

On a final note, please remember that marriage is a journey, there will be a lot of joy and a lot of challenges as well. If you are willing to work on being aware of your own feelings, develop your communication skills so that you can clearly communicate your thoughts and emotions to your partner, if you both try coming from a place of understanding that just like you, your partner has their own experiences and hurts which makes them who they are, your relationship with be remarkable. Give each other the time to work on yourselves and support one another through the process. Be willing to listen to each other with compassion and share what you are discovering about yourself with one another. Lastly, if you both ever feel you are in it over your head, and you are not feeling good being in your marriage, please seek help as soon as possible. Do not let it linger to the point where it is not repairable. If you begin marriage with at least some of these issues discussed beforehand and work on your partnership consistently throughout your marriage, you will have a remarkable relationship. So please do not overlook the importance of the partnership aspect of a marriage. As Helen Mirren said “The great marriages are partnerships. It can’t be a great marriage without being a partnership”.

Love Lucia