Desabafar

Posted on November 17, 2021 by Lucia Furtado, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

I always thought that having the ability to listen to someone’s grief or pain in a way that will reduce his or her feelings of sorrow to be a healing gift. The key to making this process a transformative and powerful experience is to listen with a purpose. There is a word in the Portuguese language called “Desabafar”. The basic definition of this word is “to get off your chest”, “vent” or “unburden. When a person is wanting to express their anguish, they are not necessarily looking for the listener to provide them with a resolution for what troubles them, but what they are in actual need of, is someone to just listen to them so they can feel alleviated. They are wanting to desabafar. Therefore, when one deliberately pays close attention to a person who is willing to reveal that they are feeling sad, it can be quite beneficial in helping that person feel better just by listening.
Allowing someone to “desabafar” is about letting the person unload what is in their heart. Although it can feel uncomfortable watching someone vent and not actually participate in the conversation, one must remember that listening to someone “desabafar” is not a traditional conversation. Listening mindfully to someone disclose what is bothering them allows you as the listener to give that person the opportunity for clarity about what their problems are. Just by listening to another person with the sole purpose of emptying their heart can sometimes give the individual the insight to finding a solution to what is causing them so much unhappiness. Lifting that burden that they hold deep inside can help them feel less confused and alone. Even if the person is saying things that are not accurate or their perceptions are incorrect because they are in a very sensitive circumstance, listening to them without interference and with empathy can give the person the possibility to hurt less. According to Thich Nhat Hanh, if “you listen with one purpose, to help him or her to empty his/her heart. Even if he/she says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you still are capable of continuing to listen with compassion, because you know that listening like that, you give the person a chance to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing.”

So here are a few things one can do to help someone “desabafar”

• Give the person your full attention and allow the person to lead the conversation.

• Avoid the urge to interrupt even if you have something important to add. Keep it for another day, for now, just let them speak.

• Ask questions that will encourage the person to keep talking. It will make them feel you are honoring how they feel and this will invite them to keep speaking. You can ask questions like, “how did you feel when that happened?” or “I get you.” This encourages them to disclose more and feel like they are in a safe environment.

• Do not judge the person, listen with empathy. Try to put yourself in the other persons position and don’t make any premature conclusions.

• Avoid giving advice. Focus on listening and make a conscious effort not to speak. Pay attention if the person is asking for help or just simply describing a difficult situation. If you are not sure you can always ask the person what it is that they need from you. If they just need an ear, then you must try to create a space where the person feels safe in order to release their inner turmoil with the intention of lightening their heart.

• Re-phrase what the person has said so they feel they are being
heard. Do not add to what the person has said and make the conversation about you.

• Its okay to just sit in silence. Silence can also signal to the other person that you are willing to listen, so that may encourage them to keep talking. Silence can be a very powerful way to BE with another person, especially when they are troubled. It can communicate to them that you are not judging them or their situation.

• Finally, after the person is done getting their emotions out, you can ask if they would like your opinion. Always ask before you give it. If they say no, you can always wait for another time to interject. The sole purpose of this conversation was to give the person the prospect to hurt less and “desabafar”.

Love Lucia