Do you parent by design or default?
Posted on September 20, 2021 by Paula Kettula LCSW, One of Thousands of Family Coaches on Noomii.
Becoming aware of your default parenting blueprint will help you become more effective in your parenting and actually feel fulfilled
Did you know that you have a default pattern of operating in this world that is largely unconscious?
This default is a blueprint that guides the way you operate in life. It is typically set by the age of 8 and pretty solidified by 12.
Some experts suggest that 95% of our entire being is unconscious which means we’re not aware of 95% of our feelings, beliefs, motives for behavior or why we make certain decisions.
What your blueprint is depends on the quality of relationships you had with your parents and family, early childhood environment and experiences as well as the overall cultural values and norms that you’re surrounded by.
As a child, we easily and unconsciously absorb our environment and assimilate it into our psyche in order to adapt to the culture we live in.
If we grow up in a loving and nurturing environment where we can freely explore and express ourselves, and where our developmental needs are met, we grow up to love ourselves, know our own value and be kind and compassionate.
We are likely to see the world through opportunities versus limits, excitement and gratitude vs fear and scarcity.
If we grow up in an environment that lacks emotional and physical connection, where our needs are neglected, and we are surrounded by stress and fear, our worldview is molded accordingly.
As adults we experience a world that is threatening, we’re in a survival mode, we most likely try to control our lives in order to feel safe and have a hard time trusting. The chances are, we are lone wolves who never ask for help or support. We are never easy on ourselves and push and strive for perfection in all areas of our lives.
What happened to you as a child is not your fault, however once you become aware of this truth, you’re now responsible for making a choice whether you live by this default or whether you choose to design your life and your parenting style.
Contrary to the cliche, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” we actually can change and learn new ways of responding, being and parenting that do not follow the old ineffective default pattern.
I believe that you CAN live your life by design which means you choose who you are, how you show up, and that you live into your future versus repeating the past.
In order for you to be able to do this you get to
- Be responsible which means to stop complaining, blaming and wanting to control or fix others like your kids
- Be self-aware as you navigate through interactions, situations and life circumstances and relationships that are triggering
- Dig deep with curiosity (not judgement, guilt or shaming yourself) to discover what is underneath you being triggered so you can learn to understand yourself in a deeper level
- Pause, take a breath and give yourself some compassion
- Then choose a different response which is based on who you want to be (your character by design), and your values and principles that you hold near and dear to your heart
Lastly, you get to rinse and repeat these steps until one day you realize you have become the person who you have always been deep inside: your true, authentic self who is loving, generous, kind and compassionate.
