Confronting the Shadow Within Ourselves as We Strive to Live Lives of Purpose
Posted on September 13, 2021 by Max Klau, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
This article discussed the importance of confronting our own shadow--the darks parts of the self that we often prefer not to acknowledge.
If we are honest about it, we are not always the person we aspire to be. We are often not even the person we believe ourselves to be. We have a view of ourselves as kind and respectful…and yet are coldly dismissive in our interactions with a colleague. We believe ourselves to be open-minded and curious…and yet respond to new perspectives with resistance and anger. We believe ourselves to be committed to helping others…and yet we act in ways that serve our egos while perpetuating a problematic status quo.
Living with a gap between who we aspire to be and who we actually are is a universal aspect of the human experience. Sometimes the gap is relatively small and only appears occasionally; sometimes the gap is enormous and essentially permanent. In any case, it often takes considerable courage to simply recognize that this gap exists, and a fierce commitment to personal growth to clearly confront this gap within ourselves and work intentionally on addressing it.
This unwillingness to see within ourselves ways of being that we don’t like is a problem for all of us, as it causes us to create problems and dynamics in our own lives that undermine—instead of advance—our espoused values.
As a coach, this understanding of the human condition informs my work in foundational ways. My understanding of the shadow is deeply informed by the remarkable insights of psychologist Carl Jung, who used this term to describe the dark, socially unacceptable parts of ourselves that every one of us has, but very often refuse to acknowledge – never mind embrace. Jung explains the shadow this way:
“The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspect of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge, and it therefore, as a rule, meets with considerable resistance.”
Jung suggests that those who have not confronted and owned their own shadow side operate with a problematic lack of self-awareness. When we have not done this work, our behavior is often driven by dark emotions like fear, anger, cruelty, and shame, yet we believe ourselves to be unfailingly kind, decent, and good. Jung also asserts that when we have not confronted our own shadow, we project the dark forces we are unwilling to recognize within ourselves onto others. We insist that some chosen “others” are hateful, or untrustworthy, or violent, or lacking empathy, or some other anti-social quality; all the while remaining unaware that these are aspects of ourselves that we have thus far refused to confront and own. Until we do, we unconsciously see in others the darkness that we refuse to see in ourselves.
As Jung notes, the work of confronting our shadow is profound and challenging personal work, and it goes without saying that it is a much deeper undertaking than building technical skills. I view this work as an essential part of the developmental process for anyone aspiring to unleash their full potential and have developed an approach to guiding individuals through this work that is both simple and profound.
Early on in my work with clients, I invite them to craft a Personal Leadership Mission Statement, which articulates a noble, inspiring, and ambitious set of aspirations for oneself as a leader. Later, though, I challenge these same individuals to craft their “Shadow Mission”, which reflects the choices they make when they choose NOT to align with their Leadership Mission. Significantly, I invite clients to think of shadow as the result of withholding light, as opposed to the active spreading of darkness. So an individual whose actions do not align with an espoused mission to “spread love” makes a choice to “withhold love”, rather than “spread hate”. An individual who departs from a commitment to “serve others” confronts the truth that he or she is “focusing only on my own needs” rather than embracing a focus on “damaging others”.
It is a rare thing to clearly and courageously confront the implications of not living up to our own aspirations for ourselves. Yet once it is written out, these implications are deeply uncomfortable to encounter and so simple and stark that they are impossible to refute. Individuals with noble aspirations to create positive change are compelled to stare directly at the truth that when they don’t align their actions with those aspirations, they are spreading shadow instead of light. If they want to have the positive impact they aspire to achieve in the world, they must engage constantly in a conscious, intentional, daily struggle to choose light and confront darkness within themselves.
