Relationship Issues: Partners Speaking the Same Language

Posted on September 07, 2011 by Stephen Gann, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.

Partners Speaking the Same Language

A client asked me the other day if her coaching session could be based around exploring why she gets so angry at her husband when they disagree.

She said that they recently had a major argument over something she considered trivial and couldn’t understand the pushback she received, which then led to the argument.

Naturally, I asked her, “{client}, what would you rather do instead of getting angry with your husband when you disagree?”

“Well,” she said, “I would want to stay calm or not even disagree in the first place.”

“So,” I responded, “If you are not disagreeing, you are…?”

“We are agreeing,” she said, with a slight smile creeping across her face.

“You are agreeing. And what would that give you that is so important, this agreeing?”

“Oh,” she said, “A sense of respect. I want to know that my opinion is respected and what I say matters.”

“A sense of respect. Ok. What does that look like to you, this sense of respect. If you were to describe it, what would that be for you?”

“Hmm,” she said. “Well, it would be an understanding that my opinion matters, that I am not trying to start a fight, I’m simply trying to get things done so I can relax as well. I’m not mean, I’m not trying to be bossy, I’m not nagging, I just want things to get done.”

“So, if you aren’t all of those things, then what are you, if I may ask?”

“I’m caring,” she said. “I’m loving, a friend, I’m responsible and I’m his partner.”

“Loving, caring, a friend, responsible… his partner.”

“Yea,” she said, “exactly.”

“So, {client}, if you were to imagine that it is the end of the session and you have had a really positive result, had something of value, what would that be for you?”

“Something of value…” she said, pausing to think. “I would say that I would have found a way to talk to him that would not make him defensive… would be more loving, I guess. More caring and still convey the sense of respect and responsibility, maybe?”

“So if it would not make him defensive, what would it make him…?”

“It would make him…”she said, thinking, “It would… motivate him to see how important it is to me.”

“What is it, if I may ask? You said ‘to see how important it is’. What is the it?”

“It,” she said, smiling, “is sharing in the work load and being a partner. Yea, being a true partner.”

“A true partner,” I said.

“yea, a true partner.”

“So, {client}, imagine it is the end of the session and you HAVE found a way to talk to your husband in a loving and caring way that motivates him to be a true partner, what would that give you that’s important?”

“Wow,” she says, sighing wistfully. “That would give me such a sense of relief, a sense of well-being. Knowing we can talk about tasks without arguing, it would be less stressful, so peaceful.”

“So, what does less stressful mean to you?”

“Peaceful,” she said, chuckling. “Relaxing, enjoyable!”

“So, peaceful, relaxing; enjoyable?”

“Yea,” she said, “and empowering. I would really feel respected.”

“So, if we were to scale the importance of you having this empowering, peaceful, relaxing sense of really feeling respected, on a scale of 1-10, where 10 is the highest, where would you be?”

“10,” she stated, “hands down, a 10!”

“So, {client}, by the end of 30 minutes we have left, how would you know have this empowering, this peaceful, relaxing sense of really feeling respected?”

“I would feel empowered,” she said. “I would know how to talk to him in such a way that empowers me. That respects who I am, as well as my husband. Yea, that’s how I will know.”

“Terrific. Shall we get started?”

Bridging the Gap

The above session then continued for 30 more minutes and the client discovered what she really wanted. This was of huge importance to her and really pointed out to me the necessity of speaking the proper language to one another, whether it is to a spouse, friends, date, co-worker… anyone.

Especially when it comes to using language to motivate someone into action.

So, next time you have a major argument with your partner, especially over something that from the outside appears trivial, notice what was said that triggered the disagreement. Many times, it is simply a word (or words) that didn’t resonate with your partner.

Here is an example from yours truly:

If my spouse tells me to go do something, that usually gets my hackles up. Why is that? She is simply asking me in her way that there is a job to get done, go do it. Nothing more. In her mind, it isn’t a demand, simply a statement.

But for me, it has taken away my permission to say no or find a creative solution to what needs doing. I am hearing things like, “why am I needing to ask you? Why aren’t you doing what needs to be done?” Therefore, an argument is eminent. Unless…

Unless I recognize that the question is not a statement about my character, but simply a statement. It is my wife’s way of asking me to do something.

So, next time you are speaking with your partner, listen to how they answer. Listen for motivational key words that describe how they learn, what puts them into action. If you listen close enough, you will find them.

Ask yourself, “What words motivate me?” and make a list. Once you and your partner begin to understand each others “language”, arguments can truly begin to fade.

Best Wishes as you journey toward the grandest vision of YOU

~Stephen