Are you feeling “triggered” by someone?

Posted on August 22, 2021 by Barb Chapman Schutz, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

There are very few people who can say they have never felt triggered by something someone has said at some point in their life. We have all felt it. Sometimes we know what is triggering us and other times we simply can’t put our finger on why, but we know we are extremely bothered by it.
When we are triggered, there is always a reason behind it. It might be that we have dealt with a similar situation in a previous relationship or even all the way back to childhood. In order to work through out triggers, we need to understand what triggers us and how to manage our own triggers so they aren’t so bothersome.
First, we need to know what our triggers are. Let’s use the example of a husband who always throws his dirty laundry in a pile on the bathroom floor. How many of you reading this article felt a tightening in your shoulders or said out loud or to yourself “I know someone who does that” or “that would drive me crazy!” I am sure there are many of you. But why does that bother you? Where does that thought come from that it would trigger you? Many people could relate to a childhood memory of their parents pestering them to keep their rooms clean or to stop leaving laundry laying around…right? Well those learned behaviours from childhood do not disappear; they continue with you your whole life and help define who you are as an adult. This often leads to your adult triggers.
So how do we change our outlook so we aren’t triggered? Well, that is where self-awareness and self-evaluation begin. Yes, it starts with you. You cannot control the behaviours of others, but you can control yours and what you can and cannot tolerate. Some ways to decrease your reactions to triggers is looking at your own behaviour and review how you respond. When you are triggered and you reflect; do so without self-judgement, just notice your response and reflect on it. When you notice that you are becoming triggered, try to recognize that this is your trigger, not the other person’s trigger and try to minimize your reaction. Your trigger response is not the fault of the other person and this is important to keep in mind. The other person may not understand at all why you are so upset with the. Question yourself about your reaction to try to understand it better. Ask yourself “Why did I respond that way?” “Where is this coming from?” “Does this trigger appear in other areas of my life?”. Starting to be self-aware of your triggers is the first step to minimize them.
Once you notice your trigger, disclose it to your partner or the person triggering you in a way that does not come across as blaming or behaviour changing. Using the example above, “Honey, I feel bothered by the pile on the floor as I am concerned one of us may trip on it and hurt ourselves. What solutions might work so that the laundry can still be in the bathroom but perhaps not on the floor? Would you be open to putting a laundry hamper in the corner of the bathroom and tossing your laundry in there?” This is an example of explaining your trigger without using a tone and language such as “I hate when you throw you clothes all over the place, you are such a messy person. I cannot believe you cannot pick them up and put them away.” How would you feel with each of these approaches? I am betting you would be more willing to respond and work on a solution with the first one and would likely have a triggering response back with the second type of communication right?
Understanding your triggers is key and remembering that it not about the other person’s behaviours, but rather about your response to those behaviours. Self-awareness, self-reflection and using the right communication skills will certainly help in these situations. Need some help in this area? Reach out anytime to chat about what your triggers are and how you can become more self-aware and work to develop a communication method that works.